From the masters of “that’s what she said” jokes, these two Illinois State alums bring a weekly entry to the table discussing the biggest topics in the sports world. (For the record, Scott and Tony hate “that’s what he said” jokes. Don’t ever use them. Stick to “she.” More fun that way.)

Flipped NFL script: Colts win, Packers lose, Tebow loses

What happened: This past Sunday in the NFL, we saw the Peyton Manning-less Colts pick up their first win of the season by beating the Titans, the previously unbeaten Packers lost to the Chiefs and Tim Tebow couldn’t orchestrate another miracle for the Broncos against the Patriots. We dissect the Colts’ future, Packers’ Super Bowl chances and Timmy’s polarization.

SG: Talk about a crazy shake-up in storylines. What’s next? Tony pulling a smooth line on New Years Eve and bringing a girl home?

The Colts needed a ‘W’ big time and leave it to eighth string quarterback Dan Orlovsky, who experienced a winless season in Detroit once, to engineer a victory. Indianapolis obviously is already in draft-mode, as the question keeps coming up on whether to draft Andrew Luck or go with 36-year old hall-of-famer Peyton Manning. If it were up to me, I’d draft Luck with the No. 1 pick, keep him, and start Manning. Then have Luck learn from one of the greatest. And if Manning gets hurt, you have your heir. If it worked with Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers, it can work here. If egos don’t get in the way, the Colts can come out winners…unlike this season…except last Sunday.

As for the Pack, getting a loss out of the way against a mediocre team was probably a good thing. The problem with that Patriots team in ’07 that went undefeated and then lost to the Giants in the Super Bowl wasn’t that they weren’t good enough, it was that they hadn’t faced enough adversity, or, lost. The Packers are clearly the best team in the NFL, but that won’t always equate to a Super Bowl title. The Saints and 49ers could easily come out of the NFC and if the Packers make it to the Super Bowl, a gritty AFC team could be waiting. Still, I’d put my money on Green Bay.

Tim Tebow didn’t win this past week, but a Saturday Night Live skit and John Elway promoting his unorthodox quarterback kept the Mile High Messiah in headlines. My Tebowner continues.

TA: I was almost happy the Packers loss, but then Clay Matthews ruined it. Much like he ruins everything, including the perception of our lady-folk in society. C’mon girls, what is hot about him? He hasn’t gotten a haircut in a freakin’ decade and looks like a hobo on steroids. I was hoping the Packers were just going to pack it in a bit and go easy, allowing the Bears to still have a chance in this playoff race. But that’s wishful thinking anyways. They got no shot. Not with Josh McCown as the starter. I am the king of wishful thinking, though.

Tebow was nearly brilliant, but he is not David. Goliath won this round. It’s just what some experts were thinking, a great offense can overcome this Broncos team. The Broncos can’t come from behind a wide margin with their run-first offense. Jason Sudekis was awesome as Jesus, though. Funniest Jesus impersonation yet. And Timmy T in that skit was a little attention whore-y, but it’s parody.

Can’t win ‘em all, Timmy.

I like the Luck pick for the Colts, too. Seems like that’s what they’re aiming to do. Manning has, what, four good years still at most? He’s going to lose the “elite” label soon and Luck could be there for the future. But they clearly have many other problems besides quarterback.

Indianapolis won the Suck for Luck campaign. Though they weren’t trying for it. Honest. Just ask them.

AFC & NFC playoff pushes

What happened: With two games left in the regular season, the AFC and NFC wild-card playoff spots will go down-to-the-wire. In the NFC, the Packers, Saints and 49ers have their division locked while the NFC East is a toss-up between the Cowboys (8-6), Giants (7-7) and believe it or not, Eagles (6-8). The Falcons (9-5) and Lions (9-5) appear to be in solid position to grab the wild-card spots, but it’s hardly a done deal. In the AFC, the Patriots and Texans have their division locked, while in the AFC North, either the Steelers (10-4) or Ravens (10-4) will take the division and the other will get a playoff slot—leaving only one wild-card left for either the Jets (8-6), Bengals (8-6) or Titans (7-7)…Or, an AFC West team. The Broncos (8-6) lead the division race, but the Raiders (7-7), Chargers (7-7) and even the Chiefs (6-8) could steal the division.

SG: Tone, remember when the Bears were in prime position to snag a wild-card spot? And then Caleb Hanie happened. Dude is bad.

I’ll take the Cowboys winning the NFC East. The Giants face the Jets and then there’s the finale against the ‘Boys. If the Eagles somehow sneak into the playoffs, how crazy would it be to for them to go all the way? Vince Young would be like “told ya so.”

Best believe I’m taking the Broncos winning the congested AFC West. Then, I’m picking the Raiders to win the other wild-card slot. Yes, the Bengals and Jets are a game ahead, but Oakland plays the Chiefs and Chargers, both winnable games. And I’m calling it now: a Patriots-Broncos rematch.

TA: Yes, I remember. Caleb Hanie took a big, fat dump on the season. Thanks, Cal. You’re the worst Cal since the dude in Titanic that tried to kill Jack and Rose. What a jerk that guy was.

I’ll take the Broncos, too. They have God on their side. Seriously, they are pretty damn lucky. They must have something else going for them. Don’t see the Raidahs! making the playoffs. Just too inconsistent. Same with the Chargers and Giants. The Chiefs and Eagles are as out as the Bears are.

In the NFC, I’m taking the ‘Boys in really the only playoff spot up for grabs. I think the Jets grab the last AFC playoff spot. It just wouldn’t be an NFL postseason without Rex Ryan making comments.

Our Christmas lists

What happened: This holiday season, Tony and Scott have a lot to be grateful for: their dashing good looks, their great personalities, their engaging writing skills and their drop-dead gorgeous girlfriends who they haven’t met yet.  But most of all, they’re both grateful for sports this Christmas season. And since they’re the kings of wishful thinking, they’ve provided their Christmas Wish List.

SG: This Christmas I’ll be watching NBA basketball in my boxers, sipping eggnog like a baller. If Santa were real (sorry if you’re reading this and are under six years old and I just ruined Christmas), I’d ask for these five wishes.

5. Chicago Bulls winning the NBA title: Ever since Jordan brushed off Bryon Russell and drained the last-second shot to give the Bulls their sixth title, Chicagoians have been craving a championship. Rip Hamilton might not be the answer to a title, but a hungry Derrick Rose and a 66-game season certainly could be. #makeithappensantayoufatass

4. The Clippers beating the Lakers in the Western Conference playoffs: Chris Paul coming to Los Angeles and teaming with Blake Griffin for the Showtime Clippers has taken the spotlight off the always-dominant Lakers. The debate of who’s better will go on until the Lake Show can bring Kobe Bryant another franchise player. If both teams meet in the playoffs, it would be great for basketball…and travel fees for teams. #sorryaboutyowifeKobe

3. Jerry Sandusky and Bernie Fine sharing a jail cell: I feel like both these creepbags are getting coal for Christmas. Just a guess.  #theseguysarepigs

2. Tim Tebow getting Lindsay Vonn pregnant: Come on, how cray would this be? The church boy who promotes himself as a virgin, saving himself before marriage, knocking up the sexy skier. The image of him Tebowing while his child is birthed is priceless. #theirkidswouldbestunning

1. Getting a chance to work for the Daily Vidette again alongside my main man, Tony: It doesn’t get much better than writing for your campus newspaper, working with your best friends and doing hoodrat things. Actually, it does get better. Like reuniting with them at a sketchy bar called PonyExpress for New Years. Tone, you’re my best friend. And Hank Mardukis.

TA: This Christmas, I’ll be watching the Bears beat the Packers. Oh wait…

5. Scott to learn how to spell (he originally had “Vonn” as “Vaughn”): “Vaughn”? Really, brah? You are right, she is sexy, though. These spellings are worse than when you headlined a story “The steaks are high for the Redbirds.” For Christmas, I’m getting you a dictionary. And a thesaurus. (And no, that second thing isn’t a dinosaur, you know.) #Idiot

4. Chicago Bulls winning the NBA title: Because I want to be just like Mike, er…Scott. My man D-Rose will do Chicago proud while the “Bench Mob” will be the league’s biggest asset. You can’t beat that kind of depth when teams are playing five games a week. #BenchMob

3. The Cubs to win the World Series: Too bad this won’t happen in 2012. Scott has a better chance of actually getting a girlfriend than the Cubs do of winning the World Series. I’ll ask for this wish again next year. #AndTheNextYearAfterThat

2. The Bears to beat the Packers on Christmas Day: This is the Bears’ Super Bowl. They gotta play hard, right? Too bad freakin’ Josh McCown will start. (Are you starting to see a trend here? I’m not going to get any of my wishes except maybe the D-Rose one) #PityPartyingMFer

1. To beat Scott in a one-on-one basketball game once and for all: This kid thinks he’s the next coming of John Wall or some shit. He says his crossover’s sicker than a leprosy patient. He may have me in athleticism and his two decades of playing hoops competitively while I’ve just dabbled in intramural hoops, but I got heart. And my heart was beating his athletic, crossover-pulling ass in August, but he decided to call it a game because our third wheel was bored. It was really just an excuse ’cause he knows he can’t top me. #MilesAndMilesOfHeart

From the masters of “that’s what she said” jokes, these two Illinois State alums bring a weekly entry to the table discussing the biggest topics in the sports world. (For the record, Scott and Tony hate “that’s what he said” jokes. Don’t ever use them. Stick to “she.” More fun that way.)

NBA dealings

What happened: With the lockout in the rearview mirror and NBA tip-off around the corner, trades have been the talking topic while players are in training camp. Chris Paul was originally supposed to go to the Lakers in a blockbuster trade that sent Pau Gasol to the Hornets and Lamar Odom to the Rockets. That deal was nixed by David Stern after owners complained the deal was “unfair.” Then, since Odom felt disrespected, he requested a trade and L.A. sent him packing to the Mavericks, freeing up space to possibly land Dwight Howard, who now is leaning more towards staying with the Magic. Paul has also been linked to the Knicks and most recently the Clippers, the top suitors at this point.

SG: By the time this column gets published, Chris Paul could be in Los Angeles. Then David Stern will veto it, claiming the Clippers are the NBA’s signature garbage team and if he goes there, then it won’t be “fair” for the rest of the NBA. Apparently, Dan Gilbert went all “Oh No You Didn’t” on Stern when the original three-way trade was all but a lock, sending an email expressing how it was wrong. In all reality, THAT was a solid trade for all teams, particularly the Hornets—the team trying to get someone in return for Paul. New Orleans would have gotten Odom, Luis Scola and Kevin Martin. And Houston would have gotten Gasol. Not bad.

Gilbert was pissed because the Lakers could have landed Paul and Dwight Howard to complement Kobe, creating another super team. Seriously, Gilbert needs to get his panties out of a wad and get over the whole LeBron deal. We get it, you were cheated, dude. Then you landed two top-five picks in the worst draft in NBA history. Sucks. This reminds me of the time Tony couldn’t get over me stealing his beat and writing a football story junior year. It’s like, sorry, dude, my story was better anyway.

The aftermath was Odom feeling “disrespected” and requesting a trade to the Mavericks, who also got Vince Carter. Then, you have Howard showing what seems to be a change of heart with leaving the Magic. The NBA lockout already stained Stern’s legacy and decisions like this last one only make it worse.

TA: I can’t believe the NBA nixed the trade. That’s like a fantasy commissioner with too much power on their hands just nixing a trade because they don’t feel like letting it through. The power goes to their head. I’ve been there.

I’m not too interested in the “Super Team” movement, but I just can’t see how that trade should have been vetoed. If you ask me, the Lakers actually wound up hurting, losing two of their big men. Odom was key to their success last year, backing up Gasol and then Andrew Bynum when the latter was out with a knee injury. The Hornets made out the best, kind of like how I always wind up on top on stuff compared to Scott. Kid’ll never learn.

It was dumb to nix the trade, but this has been quite the exciting offseason for the NBA, just like it was post-lockout in the NFL. We need shortened offseasons like this more often. This MLB stuff is just dragging out. Where will Prince Fielder sign? Who knows? I mean, I care, but I’m totes ready for it to just be done and over with.

NL Central sluggers shake up MLB landscape

What happened: After turning down the Marlins’ offer, Albert Pujols appeared primed to head back to St. Louis before shocking the baseball world with word last Thursday morning he was signing with the heavenly Angels. Just two days later, reigning NL MVP Ryan Braun was busted after testing positive for performance-enhancing drugs and if found guilty, will face a 50-game suspension. Just like that, two of the game’s most notable sluggers changed the way everybody—fans, players, executives, media members, overconfident and egotistical bloggers such as ourselves—viewed the MLB.

TA: The Cubs fan in me cheered when Pujols left the STL, but the baseball fan in me knows it was not good for the game. It would have been better had he gone back to the Cardinals. How many superstars stay with the team that drafted them, especially when that team is in their home state?

I’ll wait until Braun’s appeal hearing before completely passing judgment on this all, but he’s an idiot for even getting into this situation. With his great image and all he’s done for the game and for his city, Braun is one of the worst people to be caught cheating (if that’s indeed how it winds up when it’s all said and done). Only Pujols would be worse, honestly. It’s sad, really. The MLB was doing its best to head down the path of becoming the cleanest professional sport with the strictest rules on PEDs. Not anymore. Not with one of their signature players and the 2011 NL MVP testing positive.

Both of these moves were bad for the game. The baseball fan in me is depressed as hell. But the Cubs fan is glad because now my team has a better shot at the division. What’s that? The Cubs won’t contend in 2012? Hmm. Welp, there’s always next year, eh?

SG: I can’t help but feel this is a terrible decision for Pujols for an array of reasons. If he would have stayed in St. Louis, he could have remained a baseball God. Instead, he took a lucrative contract and will be in a big-market city. What about the organization who made you and die-hard St. Louis fans? While it’s clearly different, at least when LeBron left Cleveland to go to Miami, it was to win championships. What was Pujols’ motive? The Cardinals reportedly only offered Pujols a deal for five years, while the Marlins and Angels were offering 10 years. Sure, Pujols is/was the best player in baseball, the greatest of this generation, but it’s also difficult to argue that he has more than five good years left and his career wasn’t on a downturn.

Pujols wanted money for what he had done, not what he could do. He was a diva. The Cardinals were not in the wrong. If he would’ve stayed in St. Louis, though, fans would have forgiven him for playing old because he’s already helped deliver two World Series. Now, he has to prove himself in L.A. all over again. Just look at what happened to A-Rod in New York. Money and the big market can’t trump a loyal fanbase. Odds are, the Cardinals will be happy in five years when Pujols’ career is bottoming out.

As for Braun, this does come as a surprise. A surprise like finding out your best friend likes the girl you’re into. Why was it so surprising though? Because dude doesn’t look like a science experiment named Mark McGwire or Barry Bonds. Truth is, most athletes who take steroids use them for injury recovery, not to be home run kings. Braun is eating his words after joking about using PEDs, and now he’s the new face of all that’s wrong with the sport. The dark cloud is back on the MLB thanks to this, but it makes me wonder: Why aren’t the NFL or NBA testing as heavily?

Tebowmania

What happened: Timmy T. continues to dominate national headlines with his save-it-until-the-game’s-final-minutes antics. This time, it was against the Chicago Bears in a stunner that saw Tebow erase a 10-0 deficit in the final 2:08 to force overtime and win 13-10. The Broncos have trailed in the second half in six of Tebow’s seven wins as a starter. Some say the Tebow phenomenon is too much. Some just jump on the bandwagon. Brian Urlacher called him “a running back” while Tom Brady complimented his throwing ability. One week it’s the defense getting overshadowed, the next it’s coach John Fox, the next it’s the kicker who drilled two clutch 50 yarders. Some say Tebow’s openness about his faith is warranted, others say it’s annoying. Also, Bob Barker turned 88 the other day.

SG: I have to admit watching Tebow against the Bears, I felt torn. I was pulling for my team, but also found myself rooting for the guy who so many people have cheered for over the last seven weeks. Cheering for Tebow felt wrong. Wrong like looking at your wife’s friend’s breasts. If I had a wife, that is. They should start playing Bieber’s “Never Say Never” when there’s two minutes left in the game because Tebow immediately transforms from why-the-hell-are-you-in-the-league quarterback to the Mile High Messiah. The guy plays horrible for three quarters and then comes up big in the closing minutes of the game. If LeBron James could borrow Tebow’s 4th quarter clutch gene, he’d have two titles by now. Seriously.

Tebow is the Magic Johnson of the NFL. He rallies that team better than anyone could, especially better than mumble-in-the-huddle Kyle Orton. Granted, John Fox hasn’t gotten nearly enough credit for reshaping the offense to fit a complex quarterback, but it’s not a coincidence or “miracle” that Denver is 7-1 since Tebow started taking snaps. People ask how can the defense improve when Tebow’s piloting the offense? The truth is that his leadership, his aura, his Tebowness, is contagious and makes every player on that team want to bust their ass for their QB. I’ve been a Tebow fan since his sophomore year at Florida, although my Tebowner hasn’t stiffened until this season…but it was never about his faith or virgin-ness at Florida, it was about his leadership, his demeanor.

Bumsauce retired QB Jake Plummer wants to say Tebow should pipe down on the “thank the Lord” and “Jesus Christ our savior” talk and I have to say, I agree with him. Tebow’s response was that if he was married and loved his wife, why not express it everyday? But that’s just the point. If he were up in press conferences talking about how much he loved his wife, it’d be redundant and almost annoying, too. Still, that’s not to say we can’t hit the mute button. And better him praising Jesus than going all Randy Moss apeshit on reporters. Dude’s a class guy, Christian or not.

TA: I agree, Tebow is a classy guy. And while I don’t have a, what’d you call it…Tebowner?…for the guy like you do, I am a fan. It sucked seeing him rip up my beloved Bears, but those guys’ season has been on life support since Jay Cutler’s thumb became dislodged.

At this point, let’s just let Tebow run the table and pit him against the Green Bay Packers in the Super Bowl. That would be a true test. Let’s see what you got then, Timmy. Would he showcase his winning ability at the highest level? Would he be able to rise to the challenge? I say yes. If anybody is going to take down the Packers this year, it’s Tim Tebow and the Broncos. They have the big man upstairs on their side.

I’m not about to get into a religious debate and I respect the hell out of Tebow for his undying faith and unwillingness to hide it, even for a second. But, you have to admit, some of the things that have gone on to let Tebow win games have been nothing short of miracles. Literally everything has to go right late in the game for the Broncos to come up with the win. And it does. Whether that’s because God is making it happen or not is up for debate. But how do you explain it? There’s always a clutch fumble when the Broncos need it. There’s always Matt Prater becoming the clutchest kicker in the history of the game. There’s always the luckiest of bounces that leads to the ball in Tebow’s hands in crunch time.

It’s fascinating to watch. So yes, I’m aboard the Tebow Train. Let’s see him run a train through the AFC in the playoffs and then really sit back and watch Timmy T in the Super Bowl. Seriously, Roger Goodell. Pay off your refs and make that shit happen.

From the masters of “that’s what she said” jokes, these two Illinois State alums bring a weekly entry to the table discussing the biggest topics in the sports world. (For the record, Scott and Tony hate “that’s what he said” jokes. Don’t ever use them. Stick to “she.” More fun that way.)

It’s Tebowing time

What happened: Tim Tebow did it again, manufacturing yet another overtime victory—this time a 16-13 win over the ailing Chargers. He finished 9-for-18 with 143 yards passing and 67 yards rushing, but more importantly, improved to 5-1 as a starter, keeping the Broncos one game out of first place in the AFC West. Tebow mania is captivating the country and another down-to-the-wire win proves it isn’t going anywhere. In honor of Timmy’s success, we’re providing our top five places we plan to be Tebowing in the next year. #andyourewelcomeforthehashtags

SG: This goddamn Tebowing site has every place covered. Well, I got a few outside-the-box places to Tebow. Get jiggy with it, folks.

5. Tebowing on the moon: Neil Armstrong jumped around in 1969. Lame. Tebowing on the moon would be way cooler. Also, proximity-wise, it would make one closer to God. #tebowinginouterspace

4. Tebowing near the shire: For those of you who don’t know (that’s practically everyone reading), every university has a throne or for lack of better word, toilet, that is the cleanest, most sacred place to take a No. 2. At Illinois State University, we called it “the shire.” Tebow would enjoy dumps there. I’d wear Tony’s letterjacket to drop a Tebowdeuce, too. #thatonewasforyouphilly

3. Tebowing outside of Kyle Orton’s house with his wife in the background. This guy has to hate Tebow’s guts by now. And to make it worse, he’s in Kansas City now. #noodlearmedneckbeardQB

2. Tebowing on Jerry Sandusky’s front lawn with a Bernie Fine mask on. #WillIGetInvitedInForTea?

1. Tebowing outside the abortion clinic with Tebow’s mom and then making a Super Bowl commercial out of it. #awfulprolifead

TA: Way to use the Lord’s name in vain when discussing the most outspokenly religious athlete of all time. I think that phrase means you’re going straight to hell, do not pass “Go,” do not collect $200. But then again, you’re probably going there anywhere for all the times you burp in people’s faces. Or for the abortion joke.

5. Tebowing at the altar. Why get married just standing there when you can Tebow and speak your vows. Plus, you know you’re getting laid that night. #NoF-ingWayTebowIsAVirgin

4. Tebowing naked. Ever seen the episode of “How I Met Your Mother” (or HIMYM as nerds call it) where the guy does “The Naked Man”? The general idea is the guy pulls the unexpected naked appearance in hopes it gets a laugh, catches the girl off guard and then porn music starts. #ScottTakeNotes. #YouNeedAllTheHelpYouCanGetHere

3. Tebowing in the checkout line. Want to make the crowded stores around Christmastime more fun? Tebow in the middle of it and make people have to move around you. Or just get knocked over. #ThemShoppersBeCrazy

2. Tebow to ring in the new year. Celebrate New Year’s Eve in style–Tebow style. Come on, it has to draw the attention of a big-breasted girl, right? #Getit? #CauseTebowIsAlwaysSeenWithWell-EndowedWomen?

1. Tebow in the press box for Monday Night Football. My goal is if somebody is in there Tebowing, that doesn’t leave room for Ron Jaworski and his stupid annunciating of EVERY SINGLE WORD HE SAYS. #Annoyinggggg

NBA lockout ends

What happened: Christmas came early for hoops fans, as the locks are coming off the gyms and we’re scheduled to get a 66-game season. The owners and players finally came to an agreement that took what seemed like an eternity (149 days) to settle on. The owners ended up winning, but the players didn’t get a bad deal by making 51.2 percent of BRI. Now, thankfully, the season was saved in time for a Christmas Day triple-header. We’ve been on pins and needles while the players and owners negotiated like they were members of Jersey Shore. Now, Cabs’r here. NBA has arrived, ladies and gents, and we’ve got our Christmas list of what we want to see in 2012.   

SG: Ah, I love this time of year. Thank god Billy Hunter and the players finally budged. The NBA was running out of time. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger ran out of time to get his kid a Turbo Man in Jingle All the Way (Good ass movie).

5. Ricky Rubio: Regardless of whether he’s a bust or a star in the making, fans need to see this guy play on the NBA level. The 2009 No. 5 draft pick could be a reincarnation of Pistol Pete. Or he could just be a kid that hit his peak at 16 years old when he was a YouTube sensation. Rubio doesn’t have to average double-digit points, really. He just needs to provide enough flair and flashy passing with the Timberwolves to dominate SportsCenter Top 10. That’ll bring fans to Minnesota and breathe new life into a disastrous organization. The pieces are in place with a young, talented cast.

4. Derrick Rose: Following a breakout MVP season, Rose was perhaps one of the stars most hurt by games off. He needs to keep the momentum going and if the Bulls can sign a decent off-guard to score late buckets (Rip Hamilton would be nice), Rose can take Chicago even further than the East Finals. Bulls.

3. The hatred for the Heatles continuing: After a season that saw LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh thrown in the spotlight more than Tony and I walking into Mulligans, this is the encore to the year of hatred. Coming just short in the NBA Finals and having extra time to digest it, a drive Heat squad could catch their stride early and maybe not piss down their leg this time around if they reach the Finals. And if New York lands Chris Paul—making for another Big Three—the NBA’s new super-team era will be at full force.

2. Mark Cuban: The Mavs will have a tough time defending their title. But as long as Mark Cuban is rubbing Dallas’ championship in everyone’s face until June, the basketball world is winning.

1. The announcing: I can’t wait to hear Jeff Van Gundy rip on people and say absurd things. But I’m more pumped for Shaq’s debut with TNT to see how he meshes with Charles Barkely and Kenny Smith.

TA: It’s Turbo Time!!! Arghhh!!

5. The White Mamba. You always knew the Bulls were going to win when Brian Scalabrine came into the game. We called it “Victory Formation” here in Chicago. Hope this guy comes back to the league somehow, some way. Bulls.

4. Charles Barkley and Shaq on TNT. I realize Scott already said this, but this is so awesome, it needed to be restated.

3. Anything that will segway us from the NFL into the MLB. February is the worst month of sports, with the only football game of note being the Super Bowl. Yes, I know hockey is on, but we don’t live in Canada. Give me some mutha-f’ing hoops. Thank God (or Tim Tebow) for that now.

2. The Heat losing again. But this time to the Bulls in the Eastern conference Finals. D-Rose will go all DDDD-ROSSSSSEEEEEE on LeBron this time and knock those stupid attention whores back where they need to be — sitting on their couches watching some real players play.

1. The return of the Zen Master. Basketball just doesn’t seem the same without Phil Jackson coaching. I was just a little tyke when he was dominating here in Chi-City and it’s a shame to see him go. But, hey, everybody’s gotta retire someday.

Urban Meyer to Ohio State

What happened: Urban Meyer took the head coaching job at Ohio State for a seven-year, $40 million dollar deal. After leaving Florida for health reasons and to spend more time with his family, while working for ESPN, Meyer ultimately could not turn his back to football, particularly when his dream job was being thrown at him like blonde girls on Tony. Should Florida fans be angry? How does this help the college football landscape in wake of scandal?   

SG: Overall, this is great for college football, especially after the mess Jim Tressel left in Columbus. It’s fitting for both parties. For Ohio State, a program recovering from a major scandal, the Buckeyes are getting a family man of integrity who fosters winning on the field and also in life. And for Meyer, he’s getting his dream job, although Florida might have been that already.

Meyer, getting back to his Ohio roots, has two national championships to his name, proving that he can recruit and manage a team of future NFLers, including Tim Tebow, who apparently is doing OK in the league right now.

The problem is, Meyer changes his mind like a woman shopping for a dress. Or Tony shopping for an oversized polo. Either way, with Terrelle Pryor and Tressel staining the program and a 6-6 year following, Ohio State has been embarrassed in the last year. Embarrassed like the time Tony thought he knew the basketball-playing bouncer, went to give dude a fist pound, and dude answered with an angered look, “$1 a cup.”

And Tone, did you know Meyer coached at Illinois State? Maybe the ‘Birds will play Ohio State soon. Wishful thinking.

TA: I’m the king of wishful thinking. I tell myself, my ship’s not sinking. And I’ll tell myself I’m over you. ‘Cause I’m the king of wishful thinking.

Scott, how come we never sang that song at Karoke? We need to get on that, brah. Or just renact the single greatest music video of all time. Love the random appearance from Chewbacca or whatever the hell that gorilla is supposed to be.

I like this move a lot for Ohio State. Meyer is one of the premier coaches in college football and he is just the man to turn this program around. I hope his health issues are OK and he won’t be clutching his chest yelling “My heart! My heart!” like Philthy does when he’s chasing after shawties who ultimately wind up not wanting him.

The greatest part is after a horrible season (by Ohio State’s standards, anyway), the program needed something to get the leg up on their biggest rivals and turn the tide. Penn State is down and out (possibly for a very, very long time) and Illinois just lost their head coach: Ron “I swallowed a frog” Zook. Meyer can get Ohio State back to elite status in just one year’s time.

From the masters of “that’s what she said” jokes, these two Illinois State alums bring a weekly entry to the table discussing the biggest topics in the sports world. (For the record, Scott and Tony hate “that’s what he said” jokes. Don’t ever use them. Stick to “she.” More fun that way.)

Jay Cutler’s fingers hurt

What happened: With the Bears riding the momentum of a five-game winning streak, quarterback Jay Cutler reportedly suffered a broken thumb on his passing hand, which may require surgery and could keep him out for the remainder of the regular season. This paves way for unproven backup Caleb Hanie, who delivered a worthy (13-for-20, 153 yards) performance in the NFC championship game vs. the Pack last year. At 7-3, can the Bears hold on to make the playoffs with Hanie piloting?

SG: This injury flat out sucks. Right when the mall-security-level-protection that Chicago calls an offensive line put together a strand of strong games (Cutler didn’t get sacked two of the last three games), the football gods took a big-ass dump on the Bears.

No need to call Cutler soft with this injury a la NFC championship style, even though Matthew Stafford is playing with a hurt finger and Ben Roethlisberger seems to always be playing with damaged fingers. This seems more serious, though. It’s certainly unfortunate because Cutler was having a damn good season. As much as his injury hurts and it’s impossible not to discredit the difficulty of an end-of-the-season QB change, the Bears have found a way to win in the past with their defense and special teams and that can likely happen down the stretch of this season.

Needless to say, Cutler’s injury was unexpected. And I feel like Caleb Hanie is the Carlton to Cutler’s Will Smith. Or the Tony to Cutler’s Scott. As long as he’s not the Curtis Painter to Cutler’s Peyton Manning, though, I think Bears fans can chillax a bit. I’m sort of envisioning Hanie’s last six-game stretch being identical to the movie The Replacements starring Keanu Reeves. Hanie just needs a cheerleader almost as good looking as Kristin Cavallari and then we’re in business. Regardless, Mike Martz hasn’t ever seemed fully confident in Hanie as the No. 2 but the problem is that not many pick-me-up veteran quarterbacks can master Martz’s complex offense in the time needed for Chicago to excel. Marc Bulger, who played in Martz’s system in St. Louis, would be a solid option but right now, it’s the Caleb Hanie Show.

The Bears will most likely need to split their last six games and maybe even win four of them to secure a playoff slot. Assuming the Cowboys win the NFC East (they have a cakewalk home stretch), the Giants (6-4), Falcons (6-4) and Lions (7-3) will all be fighting with the Bears for those two wildcard spots. With games against the Raiders, Chiefs, Broncos, Seahawks, Packers and Vikings, Hanie should be able to play well enough for the Bears to ride Matt Forte and a promising defense to the playoffs.

 TA: You brought up an interesting point with how people aren’t freaking out about this thumb injury like they did with his knee. Why is that? It seems weird to have Cutler hurt without FOX making up headlines on TV. But then again, maybe they will on Sunday. I was initially very hurt when Cutler left the NFC Championship game, but as I found out more info, my faith in him was restored. Now, everybody has forgotten about it.

But nobody has forgotten about how Hanie played in that game, and that is why I’m excited. He compiled ratings of 102.1 and 84 in limited 2010 regular season action before entering in the third quarter of the NFC Championship game and nearly bringing the Bears all the way back. He injects life into this offense and I’d be damn happy to see him play. I’m excited, actually. I just hope noodle-armed neck-beard Kyle Orton doesn’t come in and steal Hanie’s playing time. Martz is an idiot, so I don’t care if he thinks Hanie isn’t worth a crap. Martz wasn’t even doing well as the offensive coordinator. It wasn’t until Mike Tice started providing input that the Bears really started to get hot.

One more quick thing, “chillax”? Really, Scott? You should put a dollar in the Douchebag Jar for that one.

The 49ers are 9-1?

What happened: After losing to the Cowboys in overtime in Week 2, the 49ers have won eight straight and have a stranglehold on the moribund AFC West. First-year coach Jim Harbaugh has put San Francisco in position to secure a playoff bid as early as Thursday with a win over his brother John’s Baltimore Ravens and a loss by Seattle, providing one of the feel-good, not-talked-about-enough stories this NFL season.    

TA: It’s a battle of the brothers Thanksgiving night!! Scott, that’d be like me and you facing off if we were two head coaches of teams. Who do ya think would win that one? I mean, let’s be honest, as goofy as I am, I’m a hell of a lot better coach than you are. Sure, you can coach little kids running around throwing up basketballs and jogging in circles, but I coach my peers, which is the hardest thing to do. Plus, it’s harder to coach baseball than basketball, I think we’ll all agree. I gotta set lineups and make pitching changes. All your lazy ass has to do is call a timeout every now and then and scribble crap on a white board with an Expo marker like you’re Phil Jackson designing a play.

But, you do have the crusty beard going for you and you do enjoy wearing ties, so you’d look the part better than I would. And you’re real good at looking angry and stressed and at yelling, so you win there, too. But would that make you a better coach? Phil Jackson was good because he was The Zen Master. I think it’s safe to say I’m a whole hell of a lot closer to a Zen Master than you and your crusty beard.

Wait, was I supposed to talk about football here?

SG: The last time the 49ers won this many games in a row was 1997. That squad went on to win 11 consecutive games and finish 13-3. They also had Steve Young…and Jerry Rice. This team has Alex Smith. Let me say it again. Alex Smith. He’s the guy San Francisco chose as the No. 1 pick instead of some dude named Aaron Rodgers in 2005. (Sampsonite, way off). Until the last few weeks, it seemed like a solid defense and Frank Gore’s legs were the reasons behind an improbable start. But when Gore left with an injury against the Giants, Smith held it down late in the fourth quarter. He finished 9-for-11 with 109 yards. He followed that up with a 267-yard, two TD performance in a win against the Cardinals. His numbers aren’t Rodgers-like, but he’s getting the job done.

Granted, Gore put together a strand of 100-yard rushing games and often dominated, but it’s time to start crediting Smith for San Francisco’s great start. While Eli Manning has been receiving praise for his fourth quarter heroics, Smith has four come-from-behind fourth quarters of his own, including one in a statement win over the Giants, a win that showed the 49ers aren’t just a decent team in a bad division. After the Niners beat the Lions and Harbaugh and Detroit coach Jim Schwartz had a WWE-like handshake duel, it still seemed hard to take San Francisco seriously. But now we’re in Week 11 and we’re talking history in the making. The 49ers, without a playoff appearance or winning record since 2002, are on pace to join an elite club of teams that have clinched the division after 11 games. The 1985 Bears hold the record. Typing “1985 Bears” after 2011 49ers is a lot to wrap my head around. When the hell did San Francisco become good? Or even decent?

The Seahawks and Cardinals are way behind the Niners. It’d take a collapse of epic proportions for the 49ers to miss the playoffs. Even Tony couldn’t fudge this up by offering Irish Car Bombs at the wrong time. If Trent Dilfer can help the Ravens make the Super Bowl, there’s no reason Smith can’t do the same. The 49ers lead the NFL in rush defense, not allowing a rushing TD in 14 games. They also have X-Factors that help them win games a la David Akers (dude is tied for second in league in scoring and he’s a kicker). Plus, they play at Candlestick Park. The only cooler stadium name would be TonyandScottGetHoneys Park.

College football shakeup

What happened: With the biggest scandal in the history of college sports in the rear view mirror (somewhat), major college football saw its BCS standings shaken up big time. A tumultuous weekend featured Oklahoma State, Oregon and Oklahoma all suffering upset losses to drop out of the top five and paved way for the SEC West to hold the nation’s top three teams: No. 1 LSU (11-0), No. 2 Alabama (10-1) and No. 3 Arkansas (10-1). What teams will be in the BCS title game? Also, who the hell is winning the Heisman?  

SG: First of all I need to start off by venting about some bullshit in the FCS football world where the Illinois State Redbirds were left out of a 20-team bracket. WTF? Eastern Kentucky and James Madison get in and the ‘Birds get snubbed. The Missouri Valley Football Conference was easily the second toughest FCS conference and for a team that just barely lost to Northern Iowa and considering MVFC foes Indiana State and Youngstown State lost, why wouldn’t ISU (7-4) get in?  Eastern Kentucky gave the Ohio Valley (conceivably the eighth ranked conference) two bids—just as many as the MVFC. This…after it seemed as if the Valley might notch a record five teams. Wow.

Anyway, now that I got that out of my system, back to important college football. How the hell did Oklahoma State loose to Iowa State? That’s like me losing to Tony in a Twilight trivia game. Oregon losing to Matt Barkley and USC was also stunning after the Ducks’ dominance over Andrew Luck-led Stanford. But what’s perhaps the most peculiar of all is that the SEC has the top three teams—providing a ton of possible BSC title game scenarios. LSU and Arkansas meet Friday and Alabama and Auburn renew their Iron Bowl series Saturday. If Arkansas and Alabama win, forcing a three-way tie for first in the West, the division’s representative in the SEC championship game Dec. 3 would be determined by the head-to-head result between the top two SEC teams in the BCS standings after next week’s games.

Crazy stuff. This is as confusing as the time when Tony asked this dude for an ATM. (The guy didn’t think he was asking for money). If Alabama and LSU are the top two, LSU goes to the SEC title game. If it’s Arkansas and LSU, then Arkansas would advance. If it’s Alabama and Arkansas, then Alabama goes. Do we really want another LSU-Alabama game? I don’t. I’d prefer an under-the-radar team such as Virginia Tech.

As for the Heisman, it’s hard to argue with what running back Trent Richardson is doing with his groundwork for Alabama. But as always, the quarterbacks are the talking topic. Andrew Luck and Matt Barkley are the top two QB draft prospects, but are they worthy of being Heisman winners? Underrated QB Case Keenum (Houston) is having a Kellen Moore (Boise State)-like year. Oh and Moore is having ANOTHER good season, too.

TA: First of all, Case Keenum is having a Colt Brennan-like year. Not a Kellen Moore year. Get your underrated college quarterbacks right, idiot. Secondly, how the hell am I supposed to know ATM is code for some…inappropriate stuff? Let me tell you, that was quite the awkward situation.

Also, really, a Twilight Trivia game? I think it’d be more interesting if I actually played the game to start out with, let alone me losing to you. And nobody cares about ISU football, including ISU students. Wake me up when basketball season really gets started (let the kid from Barbados play!).

I can’t believe Oregon lost to USC. I was hoping for a comeback there in the second half, but they fell just short, kinda like Scott goin’ after a hot blonde. Never can quite get there. I’m really upset Oklahoma State lost. Though now, they may be able to play Stanford in a bowl game and I can just watch Justin Blackmon and Andrew Luck, the two top NFL offensive products in my opinion. Trent Richardson is fantastic and fun as hell to watch, but I can’t help but get a bit of a Reggie Bush-vibe from him, like maybe TR won’t be so great in the NFL. Either way, I think I’d go with Richardson for the Heisman, too.

And if the National Championship game is LSU-’Bama, I ain’t watchin. I’d avoid it like the plague, or like I avoid Scott’s mom’s tuna casserole dish. Tuna…gross.

From the masters of “that’s what she said” jokes, these two Illinois State alums bring a weekly entry to the table discussing the biggest topics in the sports world. (For the record, Scott and Tony hate “that’s what he said” jokes. Don’t ever use them. Stick to “she.” More fun that way.)

Aaron Rodgers > Tom Brady?

What happened: Aaron Rodgers went off on the San Diego Chargers, showing his perfect passing ability once again. He’s led the defending-champion Packers to a roaring 8-0 start and now the talk is coming out—which team is better: the 2007 Patriots or 2011 Pack? And who is the better quarterback, 2007 Brady or 20ll Rodgers? Brady had a record-setting year, but halfway through this season, Rodgers is on pace for 48 TD passes, just two shy of Brady’s total.

TA: Watching Rodgahs! pick apart the Chargahs! defense on Sunday brought me back to 2007 Brady, for sure. They’re both cocky as hell, both handsome doods playing at the top of their games. Sure, it’s easy to say Rodgers has a better overall group of receivers than Brady did. But Rodgahs’ passes are just so crisp, so smooth. Much like his acting in the Discount Double Check commercial.

Rodgers is the better quarterback. It’s not even a fight. And you don’t need an analytical mind or past playing experience in the NFL to figure that out. Just watching with your naked eye is enough. His tuddie pass to James Jones in the corner of the endzone Sunday was a thing of beauty. Kind of like my passes in flag football.

This kid is just on another level right now. He’s so confident that literally nothing can shake him. Much like the ’07 Patriots, the ’11 Packers come into every game KNOWING they’re going to win. Not just expecting, not just thinking they can. KNOWING. Charles Woodson said he wants to go 19-0. And they very well could, just because of Rodgers. ’07 Brady had a fantastic defense and as much as I hate him, one of the best head coaches of all time in Bill Belichick. Mike McCarthy is a damn fine coach himself, but he’s no Belichick and this Packers defense has horrible weaknesses in every phase. Rodgahs is all the Pack needs.

Coming into this year, I didn’t think there was any way the Packers were going to repeat as Super Bowl Champs again. That prediction isn’t looking so good now. And we all know I’m never wrong, so take note, Scott. Mark this day down in history.

SG: Perhaps what makes both these quarterbacks so incredible are their back stories of perseverance: Brady was a sixth round pick, Rodgers had to wait his time behind Brett “Never-Retire” Favre. It’s easy to compare these two signal callers, especially when Brady is relatively still in his prime (Not to mention his hair looking great). Both QBs spread the ball around and have staggering statistics with their precision defining them. And comparing 2007 Brady vs. 20ll Rodgers makes for an interesting discussion. It’s also dangerously similar to comparing 1993 John Stamos vs. 2007 Tony.

Brett Favre recently came out and said Rodgers had the right recipe of talent in Green Bay that set him up for a Super Bowl win. Very true, the pieces around the nearly perfect quarterback have a lot to do with success. Rodgers has an enormity of talent this season, but it’s fair to say Brady had even more talent around him in 2007 (Randy Moss anyone?) to help him put up crazy good numbers on the way to an undefeated regular season. How do we know this? Because the very next season when Brady suffered a season-ending injury, and Matt Cassel led the Pats to 10 wins. Whereas if you take Rodgers off the Pack next season, I think there’d be more of a Peyton Manning-less feel in Green Bay similar to Indy’s winless team now. The QB captains the ship and when it comes to who’s more important to their team—2007 Brady or 2011 Rodgers–I’d argue Rodgers and his 129.1 passer rating in this case.

While 2007 will most likely always be Brady’s best statistical season, it’s haunted by that Super Bowl XLII loss to the Giants. Regardless of Rodgers’ end-of-season stats, if he helps the Pack go undefeated and adds the exclamation mark of a Super Bowl, then we’re in better-than-Brady talking business. A Super Bowl win will end the discussion for better team and better QB at the same time. The reason Brady gets the nod over Peyton Manning oftentimes is because of his three Super Bowl rings. Winning defines greatness. If a 27-year old Rodgers leads Green Bay to back-to-back rings, a feat Brady never accomplished, then it will no longer be greatest-in-the-game-now talk and it will turn into greatest-of-all-time potential talk.

Alternatives with NBA season doomed

What happened: NBA owners offered essentially a take-it-or-leave it 51 percent of all revenue deal to players. That was turned down Saturday, the old offer went back on the table Wednesday, and big words like “decertification” come into effect. At first, it appeared there was no hope for a season, but now things seem to be turning around and there IS hope. But we’ve all heard that before. So we’re planning on moving on without basketball, just in case. NBAers have come up with alternatives (overseas, Home Depot if you’re Delonte West) so it’s time we find ours. We’ve decided to come up with a few things you can do to pass the days until you get your fix at March Madness. Just in time for the holidays, folks.

SG: A basketball fan without an NBA season is like Bella without Edward. Lindsay Lohan without a jail cell. Ryan Reynolds without a bad acting role. R-Kelly without teenagers. Tony without blonde women. So on…and so on…All the lockout hogwash is intriguing and debating who’s at fault is another topic in itself. But as sports fans, this limits us to college basketball. My five things should hold any hoops fan down until the chains come off the gyms.

5. Exercise. You know, like going for a run, Tone. Get rid of those man boobs. That or PLAY basketball and pretend you’re LeBron James choking in the fourth quarter or Derrick Rose posterizing Dwyane Wade. If you can’t jump (if you’re white), a trampoline could come in handy. #gymclasshero

4. Start a new religion worshipping Tim Tebow. There’s no NBA equivalent to Timmy and once the NFL season ends, the Tebow pandemic will die down…Not if you worship him every Sunday of the year, though. Tebowing is the new praying, let’s be real, people. #tebowforpresident

3. With these millionaires and billionaires messing with our NBA watchability, why not cuddle up by the fireplace, drink some eggnog and listen to Justin Bieber’s new Christmas CD, which features Tony and I’s favorite heartbreaker, Mariah Carey. #bootylicious

2. Watch Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part I once a week from mid-November to ? Who the hell needs LeBron, D-Wade and Christina Bosh when you have the Edward-Bella-Jacob love triangle. At least Edward comes through in the clutch. #vampsgettingbooty

1. Watch the WNBA. What’s that? Oh the season is in the summer? Damn. Well, this could be an opportune time to take in women’s college basketball. What’s not to love? Crisp passing, backdoor cuts, fundamental lay-ups, boobs, crisp passing, Geno Auriemma, Pat Summitt. Brittney Griner. (Did I just google these names?) #marrymekristicirone

TA: First of all, what is wrong with Ryan Reynolds’ acting roles? Van Wilder? Green Lantern? Blade Trinity? That horror movie where he turns into the bad guy and tries to kill his family? All classic. Plus, the dude’s cut. Scott, if you looked like that, you would get acting roles, too. Speaking of which, how are those perfect push-ups doing? They working out for ya? These man-boobs are called pecs. You get them from when you do more exercise than just prancing around in marathons with your six-year-old girl arms. Treated.

5. Go attend your local school’s hoops game, whether it’s college or high school. And help the school out, buy some apparel and concession. Just don’t spill your popcorn on the court because you’re sitting next to a hot girl and you got all nervous and awkward and couldn’t keep your hands steady. #You’reSoSmoothScott

4. Build a ship in a bottle. #DoTheseEvenStillExistAnymore?

3. #DoNothingBuTalkInHashtags. #TakesLongerThanYouThink #AlsoGivesYouAHeadacheToRead #Ouch

2. Play a game of pond hockey with the neighborhood kids. And go all out. You’re bigger than them, you should check them hard into the ice and scrap up their knees. Make them cry for their mommy. After all, if you don’t teach them to be tough, who will? Plus, you were awesome in high school and you’re getting to relive your glory days. #ShowThoseLittleTikesWhat’sUp

1. Clean out your DVR. Watch all those shows like “Say Yes to the Dress” and “Dancing with the Stars” and any show with the Kardashian family. Or hell, watch HGTV. Scott does. #IDon’tReallyUnderstandHashtaggingButIt’sKindOfFunIsn’tIt?

LSU tops Alabama

What happened: It was a record-setting day with No. 1 ranked LSU facing off against No. 2 Alabama in what was supposed to be the best regular season college game in a lifetime. Instead, fans were treated to a 9-6 finish with multiple missed field goals and countless missed opportunities. The game did go to overtime, which is exciting, but other than that, it was an enormous letdown for college football fans. Is this a sign that the BCS needs a major shakeup? Thank God this wasn’t the national championship game, right?

TA: Thank God, indeed. Also, thank God I was drinking in a bar while watching this game, so I had the luxury of turning my attention elsewhere instead of on this crapshoot of a game. (I feel like I should be getting down into the “Tebowing” position as I say “thank God”).

This was a great game for those fans of defensive, grind-it-out football. And it did go into overtime. But, this wasn’t a classic college football game by any sense of the word. People want offense. And 15 points is not offense. 9-6 is like the one-on-one basketball games Scott and I play before we decide to cash it in because the girl he’s trying to show off for is just playing with sticks instead of watching and he’s tired of getting beat by my wicked crossover and my sweet hook shot.

Is this a sign the BCS needs a major shakeup? I don’t think this game was any more a sign than just everyday life with the BCS. Now, I’m not as opinionated about the BCS as many of my blogging or journalism…ing peers, but I think it’s obvious this system is screwed up. Not sure if a playoff system would work, but that’s not what’s at debate here. Just seriously, thank the heavens this wasn’t the National Championship game. That would have been brutal. It’s done and over with, so at least that’s the good thing.

I personally want to see Andrew Luck in the National Championship game, if for no other reason than to write another column in here treating Scott for liking the phrase “Suck for Luck.” What a tool.

SG: If this was the “Game of the Century,” then the Daily Vidette flag football game of 2010 (the one where Tone thought he was Joe Montana, throwing bombs) should get some praise. After I watched this, I thought it would have the same effect as an over-the-top funny movie like Zoolander or Austin Powers: the first time you watch it, you’re like WTF? And then you watch it again and can’t stop laughing. I thought I’d see the highlights and game reports and appreciate the stellar “defense” of the game. Not so much, it was more like reliving a nightmare. Like watching HDTV with your mother. Like a girl picking Tony over me. Like Friends getting canceled.

This game made a stare-down in the World Series of Poker seem exciting. When a kicker’s 52-yard kick is the highlight of the game, it’s a problem. There were no freaking touchdowns in this game. That’s awful. A No. 1 vs. No. 2 college football game without any TDs. That’s like a movie starring Liam Neeson without anyone killed. Or the Playboy mansion without any women. Or Tony pimping without a letterjacket.

This should be a clear-cut sign that college football needs a shakeup of sorts. What’s great about the NCAA tournament in college basketball? The tale of the underdog. It gives Virginia Commonwealth a chance to win out. A playoff system needs to take place in major college football. How do we know Boise State isn’t the best team in the country? Because the Broncos play garbage teams? If a team like Alabama loses, it almost immediately takes away their title chances assuming other teams win out. If there’s a playoff system, it allows Alabama a chance at revenge. It gives underdog Boise a chance. It allows better teams to play bad and lose to an inferior opponent. That’s how it should be. I’d rather see James Madison beating Virginia Tech any day over an over-hyped, what-kind-of-uniforms-are-they-wearing title game that doesn’t end up being that special. Sure, the regular season would be less exciting and without Bowls, the spirit of college football would be damaged, but financially a 16-team bracket would work and it’d be a safe bet to alleviate “Game of the Century” letdowns.

From the masters of “that’s what she said” jokes, these two Illinois State alums bring a weekly entry to the table discussing the biggest topics in the sports world. (For the record, Scott and Tony hate “that’s what he said” jokes. Don’t ever use them. Stick to “she.” More fun that way.)

The Luck sweepstakes

What happened: Stanford standout QB Andrew Luck is a surefire lock to be the No. 1 pick in the 2012 NFL Draft in April. But what team will score Luck? Winless Miami and Indianapolis are both at the top of the list. With the phrase “Suck for Luck” trending, it’s unlikely any teams are actually losing purposely, but still, losing can’t be that bad when the next John Elway is in line, right? What teams need him most?

SG: Let’s face it, Luck is the quarterback on every shitty team’s radar, particularly for the teams with zeros in front of their record. The chances of Luck not being an off-the-charts awesome Gatorade-sponsored quarterback and just a decent muscle milk-sponsored quarterback are about as likely as Tony picking a brunette over a blonde. #OneInAMillionish. There’s no JaMarcus Russell-ness about this guy. Only Manning-ness, Elway-ness, Joe Namath-ness.

The Luck sweepstakes has seemed a bit premature but in an era when the rookie quarterback has the power to give a franchise hope right off the bat (a la Cam Newton, Matt Ryan), it’s impossible not to think ahead at least from management and fans’ perspectives. “To the victor goes the spoils” doesn’t necessarily apply here. To the loser goes the really, really ridiculously good passing quarterback. The 2010 Heisman runner-up and soon-to-be Heisman winner has, as New Kids on the Block like to say, “The Right Stuff.” His stat line—2,337 yards, 23 TDs through eight games and highlight reel speaks for itself.

What’s interesting is two of the teams in position to snag the coveted signal caller—the Colts (0-8) and the Rams (1-6)—don’t need a quarterback. The Colts, baring an early retirement from Peyton Manning, have a Super Bowl-winning, MVP QB while the Rams (1-6) have a No. 1 pick of their own in Sam Bradford. Same situation for the Panthers (2-6) with Cam Newton and Vikings (2-6) with Christian Ponder. The Cardinals (1-6), Seahawks (2-6) and Redskins (no they will not win another game so they’re in the discussion) are a different story. Tarvaris Jackson and John Beck/Rex Grossman make for the three trashiest quarterbacks in the game. And any GM who says, “we’re good with Kevin Kolb” when Luck is the next Chuck Norris of pro football is on drugs. Right now, as bad of luck as the Miami Dolphins have been having (sorry, Matt Gullette), they’ve positioned themselves well in the Luck sweepstakes.

It’s crazy to be eight games in and we’re checking to see who has the best record just as frequently as we’re checking the worst record. Dude hasn’t even played an NFL game yet. He’s like Tim Tebow, but good. The best thing GMs can do is get in their Tebowing stance each night and pray that their team gets ‘Luck’y.

TA: Ahhh, so many ‘Luck’ puns. I almost threw up. But I’m also mad because I wanted to make some. You wasted them all. (We wasted the good surprise on you!!)

The phrase “Suck for Luck” is pretty stupid. Like you said, nobody is trying to lose on purpose. Well, except for maybe the Dolphins. I’m a big Chad Henne fan, but until the guy actually starts playing well, Miami would be much better off with the likes of Andrew Luck. The Colts are not in this discussion. The only reason they’re winless right now is because Peyton Manning is the most important player in the NFL. Nobody does more for his team. (Which, side note: Is this proof Jim Caldwell is a horrible NFL coach? Was the only reason the Colts did not suffer a hiccup in the transition from Tony Dungy to Caldwell because after Dungy left, Manning was the true coach of this team?)

So, whoever coined this “Suck for Luck” is about as creative as you are, Scott. Cool, it rhymes. That’s awesome. I bet you’re the first person in history to create a phrase that’s somewhat relevant with two words that actually rhyme. Come on now.

And Scott, you’re jumping ahead of yourself here deeming Luck the next John Elway. You’re a bit, shall we say “premature” (a word not unfamiliar to you, I’m sure) on crowning him a surefire success story. Have we all forgotten Ryan Leaf? Or Tim Couch? You even mentioned one in JaMarcus Russell.

All three of these guys were drafted in the Top Two and not a single one of them could even be deemed as a “mediocre” NFL quarterback. Let’s see what the guy has in the pros before we just start throwing around guarantees. ‘Cause what if you put a little box under your pillow for the guarantee fairy to come along and it turns out the fairy is a glue-sniffer who knocks up your daughter? I’ve seen it a hundred times.

Cards win, La Russa hangs ‘em up

What happened: No sooner did the St. Louis Cardinals put the finishing touches on maybe the most miraculous World Series Championship in MLB history than it all came crashing down for St. Louis…ians? Tony La Russa announced his retirement Monday morning, ensuring the ‘dream team’ would not be returning for 2012.

TA: It’s kind of a sad story, actually. I mean, I’m a Cubs fan and I still found everything the Cardinals did incredible and (yes, seriously) entertaining. It was a miracle season. A special season. Mostly because La Russa is a special manager. He consistently does more with less and is hands down the best manager I’ve ever been privy to witness.

Which is why this story is only “kind of” sad. La Russa is leaving on his own accord. He’s going out on top. That’s pretty damn cool. It’s not like he’s wearing out his prime or stirring up controversy about retirement like that stupid Brett Favre. La Russa is not a joke. He’s a class act.

But, I gotta ask, does this mean the Cardinals will also be without legendary pitching coach Dave Duncan (La Russa’s best friend and right-hand man for almost 30 years) and all-world first baseman Albert Pujols in 2012? This could be like the time The Backstreet Boys broke up. Except, instead of five guys, there’s three. So, maybe it’s more like Hanson.

Maybe this is the way these three icons leave St. Louis. Maybe they got tired of being so awesome and needed to move on to the next challenge. Either way, the Cardinals figure to be a different team in ’12 without drunken La Russa standing at that top step with the most stoic of all looks on his face.

SG: Talk about going out with a bang. So many times we’ve seen great managers being forced to call it quits—either getting fired or leaving on bad terms with a team. La Russa is the only coach to leave as a champion and his next destination will certainly be the Hall of Fame. This rarely happens in baseball, or any sport for that matter. Even Zen Master Phil Jackson, who won six NBA titles with the Bulls and five with the Lakers, didn’t go out as a winner.

At 67 and after 33 years as a manager, it’s easy to see why La Russa is putting an end to a storybook career that features 2,278 victories and three World Series titles. Apparently, he knew in August he was leaving, and ironically, his Cards rallied from 10 ½ games back to reach the playoffs and then knock off the pitching god-led team in Philadelphia all the way to knocking off the Rangers in an epic 7-game World Series.

Looking ahead, Albert Pujols has never played for another manager. Should he stay or should he go now? And what direction will the Cardinals organization go? The fanbase is top notch and everything, but without its signature coach, can they expect the same results? Or will it be similar to when Tony and I graduated and left the Daily Vidette—taking away the greatness and coolness factor at the same time?

The only knock on the four-time Manager of the Year would be that he turned the other way in the steroid Big Mac era. But, in reality, who the hell didn’t turn their back in 1998? This is a Hall of Fame dude, who is riding off in the sun.

“I tip my hat to him. He’s had a great career. What a way to go out,” Nationals Manager Davey Johnson, who, at 68, is just a year older than La Russa. “If you’re going to retire, that’s the way to go out…a world champion.”

Heard that.

NBA full season in jeopardy

What happened: After both the owners and players union met with hopes to close a deal, November’s games were canceled after talks halted because of continuing disagreement on the distribution of basketball related income (BRI). Apparently, commissioner David Stern was deceiving…evoking Billy Hunter and crew to walk out on negotiations. This could easily mean a 50-game season if there is one. After Shaq said the 1999 Champion Spurs should have an asterisk on their title for winning a shortened season, the question is, what constitutes an NBA season?

SG: Quit playing games with my heart, billionaires and millionaires. Seriously, I don’t look forward to Halloween because I get to dress up as Buzz Lightyear and pull three numbers using the “I’m Buzz, wanna meet Woody” line. I typically look forward to late October because it means the NBA season has finally arrived. NBA fans have officially hit a buzzkill mode. Following a season that featured Dirk Nowitzki and Mavericks upsetting the Heatles in the Finals and all-time high ratings, fans will have to wait for an encore. The momentum and anticipation has officially hit a brick wall. This is like going home with a girl and then sleeping on the floor (ahem, Tony).

Now, the college-basketball-is-better motto will prevail with flying colors. President Obama has gone on the record of saying both sides need to realize they’re hurting the people who put money into their wallets. While it’s easier said than done and our black president hasn’t proved to be so brilliant on the money side of things, the point is that now the fans are officially suffering. This week before college hoops starts has been depressing. Hockey is on every damn TV at sports bars and Kim Kardashian dumping that bum from the Nets has been the top news. The NBA has officially dropped the baton. The transition period from the World Series to pro basketball’s startup is usually perfect.

If there is a shortened season, some momentum will be saved, but much like 1999, the league will take a huge hit in the fanbase department. The NBA’s loyal fans will return, but it’s been the on-the-fence sports fans who became interested last season to tip the ratings, that will be lost. Hell, they’re already lost. And if LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Bat Girl win a title, won’t it be tainted? Or if the Derrick Rose-led Chicago Bulls win the championship, will it matter? The playoffs are typically where champions are found, but with 30 less games, it’s easy for naysayers or crybabies who didn’t win to say it’s not the same.

And apparently, the owners are fighting dirty. “[Owners] have given us ‘take it or leave it’ ultimatums, threatened to end the season prematurely, reached out to players in an attempt to divide us, misled the press, and pre-conditioned further talks on our acceptance of significant concessions,” NBPA chief Billy Hunter wrote in a letter to players. Sounds like a lot of manipulation going on, eh Tone?

TA: Yes, it does, Scott. I’ve never seen so much manipulation come out of a group of guys. I mean, there’s not even any women around and it’s still filled with so much manipulation.

This would happen, though. All my life, I was just a casual fan when it came to basketball. I was never very good at it (in an intramural game in college, I was sent to the line to shoot four foul shots after a technical and I hit rim on three. Not a single one was even close to going in. And that was me at 22. Imagine how bad I was at 12.) and I was always so distracted with baseball and football.

But last year, I jump on the basketball bandwagon. I join two fantasy basketball leagues and I follow every Bulls game. I even bought a “Rose before hoes” shirt outside Wrigley Field during the Eastern Conference Finals.

And then the lockout happens. I’ll be back. I’m hooked. Fantasy basketball and D-Rose’s high-flying efforts ensured that. But will all the casual fans come back whenever play is resumed? Or will arenas around the country be half empty? As a sports blogger, I know how it was even before the lockout. The basketball fanbase is just not as big as baseball or football and it is filled with more casual fans. The NBA had some serious issues even before this lockout. Now how will they be fixed?

Both sides are just so damn selfish. It’s like we put a toy in the middle of two children and they’re tugging at it and screaming and crying for Mommy. Only the toy was our hearts and our money. And the Mommy doesn’t exist. Yeah, I don’t see this ending any better than Scott’s experience when he first tried to go after a blonde girl. Stick to the brunettes, Scotty boy.

From the masters of “that’s what she said” jokes, these two Illinois State alums bring a weekly entry to the table discussing the biggest topics in the sports world. (For the record, Scott and Tony hate “that’s what he said” jokes. Don’t ever use them. Stick to “she.” More fun that way.)

The Tim TeBowl

What happened: The Tim Tebow pandemic has reached new heights. With fans cheering his name for the first four games when he was riding pine, Tebow replaced a struggling Kyle Orton in Week 5 and started in Week 7 at Miami on coincidently the same field where he won a high school state title and spearheaded the Florida Gators to national championships. Down 15-0 with 2:44 to go and ZERO third-down conversions in the game, Tebow led an improbable comeback—with touchdown drives of 80 and 56 yards to go along with his walk-on-defenders two-point conversation to ice the game. Nevermind that Matt Prater made a 52-yard field goal to win the game. Nevermind that Tebow was 4-for-14 with 40 yards for 50-plus minutes. The Broncos won and the Tim Tebow saga just added an oh-no-he-didn’t chapter.      

SG: Oops he did it again. He won with his heart, almost lost in the game. Oh baby, baby. Before our raging Teboners get as stiff as Tony at a Cubs game, let’s realize it was just one game against inarguably the worst team in the NFL. And for 57 minutes, Timmy T. played like dogshit. Seriously, dude was terrible. And perhaps that’s what’s so fascinating about him: He finds a way to move the chains when it matters and win. “I just think winners win. And guys who won all the way through high school and college… they have a way of making things happen,” Super Bowl-winning coach Tony Dungy said. He will continue to confound analysts like Merill Hoge who look at Tebow’s awful footwork and inaccuracy in the pocket. But no matter how many times you overanalyze (holla, Tone) Tebow, there’s one element that you can’t see on game tape: heart. Teams didn’t open up Tom Brady’s chest when he was drafted in the sixth round. They underestimated his heart. Not saying Tebow will ever be in the same breath as Brady, but I’d take Tebow’s heart over Orton’s mechanics and arm any goddamn day.

Whenever there’s a quarterback change, there tends to be a shift in momentum, a new life in the locker room. That has easily been the case in this situation, especially with a vocal leader of Tebow’s caliber. His winning personality is contagious. But let’s slow down on anointing Tebow as the messiah to save the Broncos from awfulness in a downhill season. Orton played like garbage through five games and threw more interceptions than Tony in a flag football game, but that’s not to say Denver’s problems started and ended at QB. And the Broncos seem to be taking a “not much to lose” mentality, trading away their best player in Brandon Lloyd. Is John Elway sabotaging the Tim Tebow era to score Andrew Luck?

This isn’t about Tebow selling out a stadium for a team he doesn’t even play for and it’s not about his open faith and good person-ness. It’s about whether he can be a successful NFL quarterback. He had three decent games last season as a starter and now he could get 11 to prove his stock—all after going from preseason potential starter to third string to winning starter. At the end of the day, even the biggest Christian Tim Tebow fan will quickly admit the guy is a gamble. He’s a special player, but special players need special systems. There will need to be run options and bootlegs galore in the playbook. If Jim Fox is stubborn and doesn’t adjust his system to fit a unique quarterback, he’s setting his signal caller up to fail. Expecting Tebow to come in and save the team, frankly, isn’t fair. That’d be like expecting me to pick up women just because I’m wearing Tony’s baby blue size XXL shirt. You can’t change one thing and expect success.

TA: That’s right Scott, you could never even come close to me in the women department even if you wore my cologne, dyed your hair, put in baby blue contacts and dressed with style. Sorry, brah.

I’m actually surprised. Given your Facebook news feed Sunday, I was confused whether you were posting or if ESPN was taking over the world and had somehow snaked your Facebook password (thanks for the assist on that one, Davis). I mean, talk about a Tebowner. You’re the worst of the kind. Which is why I’m so surprised you weren’t down on your knees…uh, praising him.

Which also sucks, ‘cause you took most of what I was planning on saying.

Tim Tebow is a winner. He’s gritty, he’s got miles and miles of heart. But he’s a terrible passer. I remember watching the Bears-Bucs game, but hawking the bottom line during the game. I was obviously looking to see how my fantasy guys were doing, but I was paying close attention to Tebow’s numbers too. He was simply awful. Twenty-four passing yards. An hour later, 24 passing yards. It was just pathetic. He was just pathetic for 55 minutes. But the last five minutes he was a hero. And then his defense bailed him out in overtime and they got the win.

But it wasn’t just his defense that bailed him out. Two key catches during the final five minutes were diving grabs from his receivers. On bad throws from Tebow. Had either of those catches not been made, the miraculous comeback doesn’t happen. But that’s not something to view right now. The comeback did happen. There’s no questioning that.

Call it divine intervention. Call it faith. Call it the heart of a lion, eye of a tiger, whatever sports cliché you want. Tebow got the result, even if it was against one of the league’s worst defenses (that actually shut him out for 55 minutes). Whatever he has on his side, Tebow will continue to win as long as he has it. And he will continue to be a great feel-good story. Which is what we all want, isn’t it?

The World Series

What happened: Mike Napoli. That’s what happened. Dude went OFF. Thanks to Napoli’s effort Monday night, the Rangers head back to St. Louis with a 3-2 lead over the Cardinals in what is turning out to be one of the more exciting World Series in recent memory. With a day off Tuesday, who is going to come out as the winner?

TA: Man, I’d like to pick the Cardinals (even though I’m a Cubs fan), just because they’re a great story, but I don’t see how the Rangers lose now. The Cards have no more Chris Carpenter (unless he comes back on real short rest for a Game 7 Thursday) and will have to get it done with their second-fiddle pitchers.

Monday was proof the Cards go as Albert Pujols goes. Pujols did have three walks, but he didn’t carry the offense. As such, his mates pushed across just two runs. Matt Holliday and Lance Berkman need to step up in addition to the rest of the offense.

But the real story of Monday was Mike Napoli. That man is crazy good. Remember when he was knocked for his defensive play, saying he wasn’t good enough to handle a pitching staff? And that his bat was good, but not good enough to play everyday? He’s bucking doubters faster than Scott’s man, Tebow. And when I say “man” I mean that as any way it sounds. He’s got a bigger man-crush on Tebow than I have on Mark Wahlberg. And that is saying something.

Napoli not only threw out Allen Craig twice trying to steal second, but he once again called a terrific game behind the dish, engineering a Rangers pitching staff that allowed just two runs. Oh yeah and he still found time to get the game-winning hit. When he was strolling to the plate with the bases loaded, was everybody in St. Louis going ‘oh, not this guy. Anybody but this guy.’? ‘Cause I would be. It’s so fitting Napoli was the man with the plan. He just refuses to lose. It’s nine St. Louis Cardinals (which includes Pujols) vs. Napoli. Heck, the slugger has nine of the Rangers’ 19 RBIs in this World Series. By himself.

After Saturday, everybody was talking about Albert Pujols being the best player on the planet. And overall, he is. Just not right now. That nod goes to Mike Napoli.

SG: Game 5 was easily the game that mattered most in this series and it would take another Albert Pujols homer-party or Carpenter pitching Game 7 for the Cards to steal this thing. Napoli Dynamite’s antics should have been the story but it was overshadowed by Tony LaRussa. Kind of like when Tony and I walk into bars and overshadow every other dude.

In the World Series, it’s impossible not to consider the what-ifs? And perhaps the biggest what-if will be the Cards bullpen putting in the wrong pitcher. Marc Rzepczynski wasn’t even supposed to face Napoli. Apparently, La Russa called wanting Rzepczynski and closer Jason Motte to get warmed up and then called again asking for Motte and the bullpen coach heard Lance Lynn. Sounds like a scene from Dumb & Dumber. Sampsonite. Way off! Frickin Ron Washington could have called the right pitcher high on cocaine. OK, not really…but maybe a text next time? “It’s loud down there…this is not unusual,” La Russa said after the game. True, but this situation makes me wonder how the hell could anyone on the White Sox hear Ozzie Guillen asking for a pitcher then? We can’t even understand dude on ESPN. “Put in f***ing what’s-his-name.” What’s interesting about this is that it puts the spotlight on La Russa, the longest tenured coach in sports and best manager in baseball. Napoli went bonkers, but the story isn’t always who excelled, but who faltered. Granted, it was a fluke thing but it was consequential in the loss, which has put the Cards behind the 8-ball.

Still, it’s hard to rule the Cardinals out with their feel-good story. Back in September, the they had as much of a chance in reaching the World Series—let alone the playoffs—as Tony’s club baseball team. Then they knock off the heavily favored-Phillies, who had the best pitching arsenal in baseball. For Philly, losing seemed impossible. Impossible like putting Tony in a Men’s Warehouse and expecting him not to get hit on by the fitting ladies. If the Cardinals win in seven, it will put the finishing touches on a storybook season. If not, well, then the Rangers will prove that the second time is a charm after coming up short last year to the Giants.

Carson Palmer quarterbacking the Raiders

What happened: After semi-retiring, Carson Palmer finally got his wish to be traded right as the deadline neared. The Bengals shipped him to the Raiders for a first-round draft pick in 2012 and a conditional second-round pick in 2013. After Cincinnati’s front office played the waiting game in trading away Palmer, the quarterback-hungry Raiders gave them an offer they couldn’t refuse. Who got the better deal? And judging by the rust he showed in the second half of the Raiders’ Week 7 loss to the Chiefs—in which he was 8-for-21 for 116 yards with three interceptions—does Palmer make the Raiders a playoff team? 

SG: This was a great deal for both parties. The Raiders have a chance to salvage their promising season with a proven quarterback while Palmer can be released from his dungeon in Cincinnati. And the Bengals will get two solid draft picks to soon complement promising rookie QB Andrew Dalton. What’s not to love? This would be like if Tony and I switched bodies similar to The Changeup. Handsome for handsome.

Still, I like Oakland’s pick-up better. While the Raiders could get ripped for the perceived value they’re giving up in draft picks, they undoubtedly needed a quarterback after Jason Campbell went down with a broken collarbone. The team’s backups were pick-six-machine Kyle Boller and unproven gangsta Terrelle Pryor. The Bengals look like they’re making out like bandits by nabbing two high draft picks in exchange for a player who’s not even on their roster, but draft picks don’t always equate to automatic success and the Raiders are getting the “now” factor with Palmer. Trading for Palmer gives the Raiders an upgrade in the most important position and helps them remain a playoff contender at 4-3.

Granted, Palmer looked sluggish in his debut but considering he was sitting on the couch just a week before, it’s difficult to assess his ability. A bye week will give him time to get the offense down and gain chemistry with his teammates. Even though he’s coming off a 20-interception season in 2010, Palmer is 31 and far from being washed up. Dude can still play…or at least he’s not Donovan McNabb. He has two Pro Bowls to his name and threw for 22,694 yards in seven seasons with Cincinnati. He’s a player deceased Raiders owner Al Davis would have loved seeing in black and silver. And sometimes, players just need a fresh start. Palmer acknowledged that, and made it clear that he wasn’t going back to a team that’s made two playoff appearances in the last 20 years—and those two were Palmer-piloted runs in 2005 and 2009. A No. 1 pick and Heisman Trophy winner at USC, Palmer will get back to the West Coast. Cue “California Love,” Tone.

TA: This is fantastic trade for both these teams. But no way is you and I swapping lives fair. I don’t want to be some short, always-stressed dude when I can be me.

Palmer did look like crap, but like you said a week ago, he was sitting on a couch the same as you or I. I don’t even know if he was working out or keeping his arm in shape much. Not to mention, no matter how good of shape he was in, he had like 90 hours to learn the playbook. No wonder he threw a pick-six right off the bat. I could have jumped that route. But then again, I have an awfully high opinion of my athletic ability, much like Scott’s opinion of his writing. Perception isn’t reality, my friend.

This Palmer deal instantly makes teams have to respect the pass. Jason Campbell may refuse to be a backup all he wants, but on his best days, he’s barely a better passer than Palmer on his worst. Numbers may be better, but if I’m a head coach or team executive, I’d take Palmer over Campbell 10 times out of 10. Give him this bye week and a bit more experience out there to shake the rust off and watch him fly. Give him the ball and watch what he do with it.

Meanwhile, the Bengals are building for the future. They just had a fantastic draft with Cincinnati’s favorite ginger (Dalton) and Calvin Johnson Jr….uh, Jr. (A.J. Green). Two first round picks this year, plus possibly two more first round picks in 2013 if we’re both right and the Raiders do make the playoffs (and then win in the Divisional round). Cincy’s sittin’ pretty. Primed and ready to roll.

From the masters of “that’s what she said” jokes, these two Illinois State alums bring a weekly entry to the table discussing the biggest topics in the sports world. (For the record, Scott and Tony hate “that’s what he said” jokes. Don’t ever use them. Stick to “she.” More fun that way.)

Is Cam Newton for reals?

What happened: The first pick of the 2011 NFL draft was undoubtedly a stud college player in his time at Auburn, earning the coveted Heisman trophy in 2010. But, could the athletic phenom find success in the NFL, especially in his first year as a starter in spite of a lockout? With one quarter of the season gone, it looks like the kid is here to stay. He’s thrown for an impressive 1,386 yards and five touchdowns and ran for another four TDs and 133 yards (more than anyone on the Panthers).

TA: Dude’s got some mad skills. His jersey number (No. 1) symbolizes his draft status (first overall pick) and order on the depth chart. And because his level of play has been so high, Cam Newton is No. 1 in fans’ hearts, too.

The kid can do everything. With his 6-foot-5, 248-pound frame, he’s built like Daunte Culpepper but already appears to have better accuracy and more speed.

I only watched highlights of Newton lighting up the Cardinals, Packers and Jaguars during the season’s first three weeks but Week 4 really made me jump aboard the Cam Tran. I watched as he single-handedly ripped up my beloved Bears defense, both on the ground and in the air. Julius Peppers, a physical freak as well, and the rest of the Chicago D-line couldn’t get anything even close to pressure on Newton. The only hits the Bears’ D got on Cam was when he pulled the ball down and ran with it…and even then, he was shedding tacklers like Scott pushing aside second graders for a rebound in basketball.

Hell yeah Cam Newton is legit. The numbers speak for themselves. I know, he only has one win—and it was his worst statistical performance—but he’s getting closer.

You want to know what kind of impact Newton has had on the Panthers? Just look at Steve “Little Man Syndrome” Smith and the way he’s been jacked up. Either Smith has upped his intake of steroids (or Red Bull) or Newton’s arrival has rejuvenated the electric receiver’s career.

Cam is taking America by storm, and you’re damn right he’s here to stay.

SG: Count me in the Cam Newton fan club. I wasn’t big on him at Auburn when he was easily the best player in college football. And like many NFL analysts, I thought his game wouldn’t translate in the pros. Damn was I wrong. Wrong like the time Tony and I thought “Saluki” meant sled dog, not Egyptian dog…and we ran the headline “Salukis sled past Redbirds.” Newton isn’t just putting up Rookie of the Year numbers, dude is putting up video game numbers that already put him in a discussion as one of the league’s elite signal callers. Problem is, his 300, 400-yard games aren’t translating to wins. The only ‘W’ Carolina has managed came when Newton played somewhat conservative. It took Michael Jordan five seasons to realize scoring 62 points didn’t equate to Chicago Bulls wins. Stellar stats don’t always deliver wins. But Jordan also needed Scottie Pippen to win big. Right now, Newton has barely any help. Carolina’s rushing game (averaging 84 yards a game) is as dreadful as Tony’s picking-up-girls game. And the team’s 31st-ranked rush defense is horrendous. The Panthers have more scrubs on their squad than a TLC music video. One guy who provides promise would be G-Reg Olsen.

Regardless of how terrible the Panthers are, it’s clear that Newton is a stud and much of the criticism that was pointed out after he was drafted No. 1 proved to be wrong. Hall of Fame QB Warren Moon defended Cam from the get-go when critics labeled Newton a one-read-and-run QB with suspect accuracy, calling it “blind criticism.” He’s proved he’s not Tim Tebow and has shattered expectations, decoding NFL blitz defenses and shaking and baking like Mike Vick while passing more accurately than your average Joe Flacco. Most of all, his will to win and Magic Johnson-like personality shows he’s a leader in his first season. The lockout was supposed to hurt rookie QBs. Not Newton.

NBA lockout: To end or not to end? Will David Stern get slapped?

What happened: Talks continued Monday for over five hours in small groups after long discussions Friday and Saturday with hopes to avoid further damage to the NBA schedule. Tuesday has been deemed a “huge” day for both parties—the owners and players—in saving the season. David Stern has stressed the implications of not moving forward with an “enormous consequences” precaution. In talks, Dwyane Wade reportedly barked back at Stern when he was pointed at, while president Derek Fisher has aligned the NBA’s stars to showcase a unified stance.

SG: I wish I was a fly on the wall when Dwyane Wade decided to keep it real and pull a “oh no you didn’t just point your finger at me Jewish white man” rebuttal.

Well, can’t say we didn’t see this coming. As we’re in the pivotal first week of October, a serious sense of urgency has been showcased by players and owners. This is kind of like when a girl stares at your lips like they’re crack: you know it means locking-lips-time and where the night could end up. The NBA knows it’s locking-half-the-season-out time and where the game could end up.

The truth of the matter is, if the NBA loses the entire 2011-12 season or it’s dipped down to a 50-game season like it was after 1999’s lockout, it would be extremely detrimental to a league that was soaring following a Decision-fueled campaign. Both the players and owners know this.

With preseason games already getting nixed, the loss of the NBA season could be as depressing as Ron Artest getting voted off Dancing with the Stars first. Or more depressing than Delonte West working at a hardware store. Or even more depressing than Tony singing “Oops I Did it Again” for karaoke.

But it seems as if the NBA and Players’ Association, after weeks of scratching their balls, finally made some serious headway toward a resolution with meetings in the Big Apple. And while there are a plethora of meetings, it’s better a bulk of them than none at all. The prospects for the 2011-12 season beginning on schedule haven’t looked this promising and that’s because the stakes (spelled right, Tone) have never been higher to get a deal done.

One sign that the lockout could be on the brink of ending is that revenue sharing among the league’s 30 teams seems to be getting solved. While it was initially pinned on the players, it’s become transparent that the problem was the owners were struggling to share among themselves. Another sign of the lockout ending is that the owners’ insistence on a hard salary cap instead of a soft one isn’t as firm and an in-between (a luxury tax system) is a proposed solution.

TA: To be fair, it wasn’t “Oops I Did it Again.” It was “(You Drive me) Crazy.” Duh. Daie spa.

But yeah, things may be looking promising right now with the lockout negotiations, but I believe the latest episode of Dwayne Wade’s “When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong” is indicative of the way the talks are going. It’s not like Wade was calling out an assistant or a coach. He called out the head honcho. The big dawg. The man.

And he had a point (besides that he didn’t want to be on the receiving end of a…point). It was a statement outburst, speaking on behalf of the players showing the old white men in suits that they will not be strong-armed into getting a deal done that doesn’t benefit them as well. Then again, maybe I’m reading too much into it. Overanalyzing, if you will. I’ve been told I tend to do that…

Maybe I just want the lockout to stay so I don’t have to retire my “Rock out with your Lockout” sign.

But both professionally and personally, I hope the NBA plays a full season. Professionally, I need more to cover than one Bears game a week and 2-3 Blackhawks games. Gimme some Bulls! Personally, let’s be honest—fantasy basketball. I’m out of it in three of my four fantasy football leagues (0-4, yeah. I’m that guy.). And I can’t afford to go an entire winter with just one competitive fantasy team until pitchers and catchers report.

On the other hand, I’m also upset for my boys D-Rose, Tommy T and Da Bulls. They need to keep the momentum going that was built up from a fantastic 2010-11 season and I worry a whole season off will be more of a buzzkill than a drunk dude puking on your shirt.

Mr. October: Who will win the World Series?

What happened: The Cardinals and Rays emerged from the smoke as the victors from the craziest day in baseball history, but can their magic extend into October? And if it’s not the biggest underdog World Series ever, who will claim the crown as the winner of this year’s Fall Classic?

TA: I love the playoffs and all, but after that last day of the regular season, the Division Series just doesn’t compare so far. It’s like Scott trying to live in my shadow. Doesn’t work out.

Wednesday, Sept. 28 will go down in history (my history at least, and that’s all that matters to me) as the single greatest day in baseball history. It was like baseball porn. And the Division Series just can’t compete with that kind of drama.

Not to mention, the NFL season has started and after the scary lockout, fans are still grasping the appreciating of an actual football season this fall.

I gotta admit, though, the “Legends are born in October” tagline and Tinie Tempah’s “Written in the Stars” jam really gets me going. And I love baseball. I live it, breathe it, feel it. If the game of baseball was a tangible object, I’d grind it down into a powder and snort it. Maybe that’s going a bit far. OK a lot far, but you catch my drift.

But the real question is not whether the playoffs will be as exciting at the final day of the regular season (it won’t), but whether the Cardinals and Rays’ magic will extend into October. Can they pull out series wins over the Phillies and Rangers, respectively? My guess is no. Not both. That would be fantastic if they could (imagine that World Series!), but they wasted all their magic beans just to be able to get into the postseason. Now could one make it to the Fall Classic and win it all? Sure. And if I had to pick one, I’d pick the Rays, even though they’re down 2-1 right now to the Rangers. Joe Maddon is my idol. But, even as much as I would like that to happen, I don’t know if it will.

SG: Tony, you know so much about baseball, it’s like we’re in the Sandlot. You’re Benny the Jet, I’m Smalls. You give me a cool baseball cap and explain who the Great Bambi/Bambino is.

Anyway, if last Wednesday’s edge-of-your-seat playoff picture season finale wasn’t an adequate appetizer for the main course, I don’t know what the hell is. In what has been considered “the best night in baseball history” by fans and analysts Sept. 28, perhaps the most enticing storyline was two teams’ failure. The Braves and the Red Sox crumbled in September worse than Tony crumbled with his how-bout-the-weather line to a Redskins cheerleader.

The playoffs have measured up to the hype, too. The Rays and the Cardinals both have the momentum of late season, never-say-die streaks that squeaked them into the playoffs, so it wouldn’t be surprising to see them do some serious damage, as you’re insinuating Tone.

My pick: While taking the Phillies would be the safe bet, I’m going with the Milwaukee Brewers as the dark horse to become World Series champs. No, I haven’t lost my mind. With a record of 96-66, Milwaukee tied for the third best record in the majors. Most importantly, though, the Brewers are hot, posting a 36-17 record in August-September. And that’s not to mention their 2-0 lead over the Diamondbacks currently.

In baseball, being ending the season with some serious momentum is key. One team could dominate for almost all the season and then piss down its leg in the final month of the season a la the Red Sox. But then again, you look at a team like the Colorado Rockies, who always seem to find a way into the playoffs with a late-season surge (except for this year, of course). With Ryan Braun and Prince Field spearheading one of the strongest lineups in baseball and the K-Rod/John Axford connection closing games out, the Brew Crew are tough to beat.

From the masters of “that’s what she said” jokes, these two Illinois State alums bring a weekly entry to the table discussing the biggest topics in the sports world. (For the record, Scott and Tony hate “that’s what he said” jokes. Don’t ever use them. Stick to “she.” More fun that way.)

Bills and Lions off to 3-0 starts

What happened: The NFL’s basement teams have officially moved to the top floor. Coming off garbage seasons, Buffalo (4-12 in 2010) and Detroit (6-10) have dashed out to 3-0 starts. Both franchises offer impressive comeback stories. These teams are partying like it’s 1999, the last time both made the playoffs. That 11-year span is the longest postseason drought in the NFL.

TA: These two teams have had a longer drought than my boy Scott here. They haven’t just been residing in the basement, they’ve been the college dropouts still living in their parents basement at age 30 while working part-time at the local grocery store. Nobody gives them a chance any year. But with Matthew Stafford and Ryan Fitzpatrick leading the way, these two squads are all reinventing their underdog label.

So long as Stafford stays healthy, these Lions have a legit shot, as much as that hurts to say as a Bears fan. But Stafford staying healthy all year is like saying Scott can make it through a whole meal without asking the waitress if he looks like Ben Affleck. Fitzpatrick may stay healthy, but being a Wonderlic wunderkind and a Harvaaahd grad, is it possible he’s too smart and starts overanalyzing things, to a fault? Been there, my friend.

The Bills are the best story of this season. After starting out 2010 with eight straight losses, the Fitzpatrick-led squad is on a roll to kick off ’11 after coming from behind to beat the Patriots after 15 straight losses. They even picked off Tom Brady four times, after Giselle’s hubby was intercepted just four times all of last season. And Buffalo is dying for some Bills success. After Sunday’s win, fans refused to leave the stadium.

SG: Tony, the Bills do provide a touching comeback story, but the Lions have been waiting too long for a start to the season like this and own this early season’s best story. Detroit’s last NFL title was 1957 (second-longest drought in league). As a Cubs fan, I’m sure you know that kind of anguish. #alongtimecoming would be the proper hash tag. And let’s not forget the team’s 0-16 season in 2008. Who the hell goes 0-16? You and I couldn’t even strike out that much with women if we wore Hawaiian shirts to a bar and snapped our fingers like Fonzie.

One blowout win (a 48-3 destruction of the Chiefs in Week 2) showed the Lions’ strength while a comeback (a 23-20 OT win over the Vikings in Week 3) showed resiliency. Soon-to-be Pro Bowler Matthew Stafford (977 yards, nine TDs) and the Lions are 3-0 for the first time since 1980.

After what seemed like an eternity of bad luck, the Lions finally had the dice roll their way—drafting Stafford at No. 1 in 2009 and Ndamukong Suh at No. 2 in 2010—and this is the season the potential is realized. Not to mention, Calvin Johnson gives them one of the best wideouts in the game and 2010 first-round pick Jahvid Best gives them a dynamic back. While the Bills might turn more heads for their turnaround season, the Lions have the weaponry to be one of the best contending teams of the future.

Michael Vick injures hand, rips refs

What happened: Vick suffered a bruised hand in the Eagles’ 29-16 loss to the Giants. It was originally deemed a broken hand. After a concussion in Week 2 against the Falcons, Vick’s luck hasn’t gotten any better and the team with Super Bowl-or-bust preseason expectations is now 1-2. Vick, frustrated by late hits and the loss, unleashed (get it?) on officials, saying, “Every time I throw the ball I’m on the ground…I don’t get the 15-yard flags like everybody else.”

SG: Throw a dog a bone, here…Look, Mike Vick has a point, a very valid point. While his rant was clearly out of frustration, it did bring a controversial aspect to the forefront. Because Vick is a mobile QB, he’s not getting the same calls as stationary signal callers like Tom Brady. The Giants’ Mathias Kiwanuka had a strong take saying, “I just feel like if you’re going to be the kind of guy who’s going to be able to tuck the ball and run, once you put the ball away [the officials] can’t protect you as a quarterback anymore.”

In such quarterback-protected league, there is surely a wave of inconsistency and Vick’s case points that out with flying colors. Apparently, the NFL isn’t getting this picture. Almost like the time Tony didn’t get the message when a girl in St. Louis told him she didn’t want to dance by pulling the “my feet hurt” line.

But in the same light, where is complaining to the media going to get Vick? If it’s a problem, and clearly it has been in the past with Andy Reid lashing out, then take it up with the league not the public. Yes, it looks like Vick has been getting knocked the f*** out by Debo in a Friday movie, but if pretty boy Tony Romo can go out and play with a hurt rib cage and punctured lung (not complaining) and Jay Cutler can get sacked 11 times in two weeks, then Mike Vick should put a cork in it.

It was different last year when Vick’s redemption story was the freshest NFL headline. This year, he’s putting up pedestrian numbers and the “Dream Team” Eagles have more problems to worry about, particularly on defense. So many fans are Vick-brainwashed that they’re forgetting to see LeSean McCoy playing like an MVP, while their multi-million dollar QB has coughed up as many fumbles already than he did all of last season.

TA: Man you talk a lot. Good joke above too about Fonzie. Why would we snap our fingers at a bar like we’re in “West Side Story”? C’mon, man.

But, I’m actually with you here. I don’t even care about this story, to be honest. Vick is being a baby back….you get the idea. Yeah, he gets hit a lot. But like Kiwanuka said, he’s a rusher half the time he gets hit. And even when he does get hit in the backfield, it’s because he’s scrambling around trying to evade defenders to get the pass off. Tom Brady doesn’t do that, in part because he doesn’t have to. His luscious locks create an impenetrable forcefield around him. I mean, it could be the offensive line protecting him, too.

I don’t care what Vick is complaining about. I don’t hate the guy, and I really respect what he does. Like Sting. I don’t really listen to his music, but I really respect him.

Vick has only played a full season once in his career (jail time not withstanding), so he always has injury issues. Is it because the refs don’t call flags on hits on him? Maybe it’s the fact that he’s injury-prone and takes unnecessary hits instead of sliding or running out of bounds like every other quarterback does.

I’m just glad he didn’t bring race into this. Nothing irks me more than the “black quarterback” debate. I’m sorry, but I don’t hear Josh Freeman complaining.

MLB Wild Playoff Shakeup

What happened: The New York Post reported over the weekend that with the MLB CBA about to expire in December, there seems to be an agreement in place to add a new Wild Card team to each league. Both Wild Cards would then partake in a one-game playoff, with the winner advancing to the Divisional Series. This could take effect as early as the 2012 season.

TA: I love this idea. I’ve been salivating (seriously) at the thought of not one but two potential one-game playoffs to end the 2011 season. This theory has two one-game playoffs every year! But then again, would that be too much? Would it be like how girls always want what they can’t have but then once they get it, they don’t want it anymore? That doesn’t happen to anybody else? Just me? Damn.

Anywho, part of the allure of the one-game playoff is that it’s so rare. It doesn’t happen very often (except for that time the Twins had one like every season). Would this new agreement make those games more boring? No frickin’ way. I love it. It’d be that exciting every year. It’s one game for all the marbles each and every year in each league. That’s awesome. I feel like dancing. Or, you know, bobbing up and down in what I think is the beat to the music without actually moving my feet and really just looking like a big doof even though I think I look smooth.

SG: While I’m pissed off we’re talking about baseball, Tone, I do want to mention I saw “Moneyball” starring Brad Pitt and the fat kid from Superbad (apparently he’s not fat anymore) and I have to say, it was one hell of a movie. Anyway, I’m on the same page with this to a certain extent. Adding a Wild Card team into the playoff picture would be a solid move for many reasons. There are worries, sure, but the pros outweigh the cons. When the Giants missed the playoffs in ’93 after winning a whopping 103 games, it showed a broken system that was improved…and this would improve it more.

The major con can be pointed out this year: if there were five playoff teams instead of four this year: the Cardinals, Rays, Braves and wake-them-up-when-September-ends Red Sox would all be relatively safe and we’d be smoking cigarettes waiting for the regular season to conclude. But, this year is not typical of every season.

In football, 12 of 32 teams make the playoffs and in basketball, 16 of 30 make the postseason. Some baseball minds might argue that if you’re not in a position to win the World Series, then extra baseball is just a waste. Sure, some teams don’t stand an iceberg’s chance in hell of beating the Yankees in a seven-game series, but more baseball in October is never a bad thing for teams that have something to play for in September and for fans who will have something to cheer for. If the Cubs have a chance to make the playoffs (hypothetically, Tone), even if they stand no chance of winning the WS, it’s still the playoffs and merits multiple fist pounds.

My big issue with baseball is that there are too many damn games. As a sports fan who’s not a die-hard baseball guy, I’d rather watch a spectacled kid asking “what’s the origin of the word?” in the Spelling Bee on ESPN than a regular season, paint-drying baseball game. Playoff games are another story, though. Everything intensifies. So having an extra game and adding to the playoff drama in any facet, is a plus in my eyes.

According to the New York Post, the two sides have all but agreed to terms on adding a second Wild Card team to each league and holding a one-game playoff, the winner of which will advance to their respective league’s Division Series.

As the Post article states, two separate sources involved in the discussions have slightly varying viewpoints, but things still look to be headed in the right direction. One source claims the scenario is a “done deal” while the other sees things playing out that way, but admits nothing will be set in stone until the entire CBA is drawn up.

Also, according the Post article, the two sides are hoping to reach a deal on the new CBA during the World Series, which is less than a month off.

So how would this all affect the league and our stance as fans?

Simple: It makes it more awesome.

Adding a second Wild Card team and allowing the league’s best overall record a Bye is just silly. It is a waste of talent and this isn’t football. A baseball team sitting on the sidelines inactive for a week to 10 days will just make them ice cold. It wouldn’t be any advantage. That situation would just be adding a playoff team only for the sake of adding it.

But this? This is fantastic. A one-game playoff between two Wild Card teams is awesome! I mean, a one-game playoff for anything in baseball is arguably the most exciting circumstance that can happen in a divisional race.

I’d assume the No. 1 seed in the Wild Card race would get homefield advantage for the one-game playoff, which would make them likely heavy favorites.

2011 would have been a fantastic year to incorporate this. With the late-season rallies of the Tampa Bay Rays and St. Louis Cardinals, it would be really cool to see those teams rewarded with a final playoff spot and allow them to travel to Boston and Atlanta, respectively, for a chance to advance to the Divisional Series. As it stands now, it’s looking more and more likely that the Rays and Cardinals will come up short.

In this new system, they wouldn’t have to.

Barring a serious injury to an important player, nothing bad could come from the one-game playoff. It would create more ticket sales as well as likely great tune-in action via TV and the web.

I’m all for this and hope it works out. Guess we’ll see for sure in a month.