The Non Sport Fan's Guide to Super Bowl XLVI

By d.j. Stockton

Once again that Sunday arrives where some stupid football game interrupts new episodes of your favorite show.  Well, no longer does that football game have to be stupid because I know that you just think it’s stupid because you don’t understand what’s going on.  Worry no more because I can help you understand it so well that people will take you for the know-it-all, I’m too good for this, stuck up non-sports fan that you are.


The first thing you need to know about the Super Bowl is that it is a party where undoubtedly a lot of people will make mistakes because they consumed too much alcohol.  If you are a party-goer this is the perfect event for you and it can be a warm up for Mardi Gras because I’m sure you never miss that one.  If you end up going to a party, which I highly recommend you do, it will be somewhere between a frat party and what went down at the OK Corral.  I know that’s a pretty broad spectrum but the good news is that no one has ever ended up dead at a party that I have attended so I think you will be safe.  And go to a party because I’m sure you have been invited to one, if not, disregard this paragraph.


This is Super Bowl 46, the 46th of its kind in case you didn’t get why it was called “Super Bowl 46.”  It pits the New England Patriots against the New York Giants (they really play in Jersey but are nothing like the cast from “JerseyShore,” thank God).  The game will take place inIndianapolis in a dome because I’m sure you were worried about weather being a factor.  The quarterback for the Patriots is Tom Brady, you’ll root for him if you are girl because he’s apparently so gorgeous that he bagged a super model for a wife.  I’m not sure if you will recognize him so wait for the hair flip or the announcer to say his name with an expected pause.  The Patriot’s head coach is Bill Belichick, he’s like that guy who you’d get the impression that his world is going to end just by talking to him while it could really be going as great as it could.  The Patriots in general can be compared to that boss that you had that exploited every mistake you ever made and ended up getting you fired.  Yeah, that’s about right.


The New York Giants on the other hand have a quarterback by the name of Eli Manning who my sister thinks should get an earring.  He’s that All-American kid in high school who you hated because, well, he was All-American and you weren’t or you weren’t a cheerleader who he was interested in.  The coach of the Giants is Tom Coughlin who is like the red-headed, freckled face, step child you knew while growing up.  People didn’t like him and they never had a good excuse.  Like I mentioned before, just because they play inNew Jerseydoesn’t relate them at all to “JerseyShore” but I’m sure at least one of the cast members will be there since that damn Snooki shows up everywhere.  In total, the Giants are like the guy who doesn’t perform well until the pressure is on.


Lastly, we have the main drawing point for people who don’t give a hoot about sports, the commercials.  Companies spent millions of dollars to advertise during the Super Bowl and have emptied their creativity fund to try and get you to buy their products.  You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll roll your eyes and you’ll experience every emotion in-between.  How could you not want to partake in activities like that?  Unless you wanted to get back at Corporate America for kicking you out to the curb, then I’m not sure what you should do but I do know that you shouldn’t go on a shooting rampage because we want to keep the body count down on Super Bowl Sunday.  Plus, most of Corporate America will be watching the Super Bowl so if none of the reasons above makes you want to watch it then maybe peer pressure will, all the cool people are going to be watching it along with all the people who aren’t cool but in separate rooms of course.


The Super Bowl is here so I encourage you to pick a team and root them on no matter how shallow your reasons may be because football is an American Game and how can you call yourself an American if you don’t watch it? (Last try at peer pressure with a little bit of nationalism, sorry.)  I think my sister is rooting for the Patriots just because Eli Manning never got that earring and if that isn’t a crazy idea to root against a team I don’t know what is.  You don’t have to be a sports fan to watch the Super Bowl.  It’ll be fun, I promise.


Also read “A Baseball Fan’s Guide to Super Bowl XLVI”

You May Also Like