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Clubhouse Soccer

SHOCKING: Many Attractive Young Adults Engage in Olympic Village Sex

Olympic Village Sex isn’t new to me.

In the summer of 2004, I went on a date. This is hardly revelatory; I did that a lot of that back then. She was a lovely gal.

But while we were out, and she mentioned she would be off to Athens in the not-too-distant future to hit do some work with NBC Sports covering the Olympics. (Cut to a shot of NBC Sports executives combing through the roster to determine my source.) By the time she came back, she had found a new boyfriend.

For whatever reason (maybe I’m ugly, clingy or unhealthily obsessed with food metaphors) we obviously never took off as an item, but we did remain friends for a little while after she returned.

And when she did return, all she could talk about was the sanctioned orgy that is Olympic Village. Goodness gracious, where to begin. Booze. Parties. Sex with multiple partners from different countries in the same evening. How about the 100,000-condom stockpile?

Of course, ESPN the Magazine, in their journalistic diligence, is finally reporting on the trend that’s been trending for … since forever. Hey, that’s timely! Naturally, this story appears in The Body Issue, which features a finely cut piece of Gronk Beef on the cover.

Though none of it’s particularly X-rated, perhaps the juiciest confession came from (who else?) U.S. Women’s Soccer Goalie Hope Solo:

“I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but we met a bunch of celebrities. Vince Vaughn partied with us. Steve Byrne, the comedian. And at some point we decided to take the party back to the village, so we started talking to the security guards, showed off our gold medals, got their attention and snuck our group through without credentials — which is absolutely unheard of.” And, she adds, “I may have snuck a celebrity back to my room without anybody knowing, and snuck him back out. But that’s my Olympic secret.” The best part, according to Solo? “When we were done partying, we got out of our nice dresses, got back into our stadium coats and, at 7 a.m. with no sleep, went on the Today show drunk. Needless to say, we looked like hell.”

Yeah. 10,000 of the most finely-chiseled, passionate young adults in the world? All within a few blocks of each other? This shouldn’t shock anyone who’s been on a college campus – even for a weekend.

This is the Olympics no one wants you to see, of course. This is what got Bode Miller a nationwide tisk-tisk back in 2006. But this is, in all likelihood, the real Olympics for these folks. After all, I want you to think back to when you were a pup coming of age.

Did you make Dean’s List? Did you ace your first job interview? Did you earn press recognition for that fundraiser you threw for that one cause that helps those children?

Maybe you did. But I’ll bet you really have to strain your memory to recall, and even then, I’ll bet you only do so to bolster your resume.

But I’ll bet you can tell me your first time. Your best time. Your wildest time. I’ll bet you remember every last vivid detail from the date to the place to what the other one involved was wearing. And I’ll bet you’d tell me with a smile.

So I don’t begrudge them at all. I say, “Do it. All night.” I encourage it. Great stories don’t often come from rule-following or a joyless, relentless moral code. Outraged? Hell, I’d be more outraged if y’all weren’t getting your fun in.

Let this be a lesson to y’all who are still young. Go for the Gold … in every way possible.