If you’re like me, after you get a couple o’ brews in ya, you start looking for various ventures to keep your ever-shifting mind occupied.
Also if you’re like me, if those various ventures include aesthetically pleasing members of the opposite sex, you spend most of the evening drooling back into your beer and coming up with sucktastic Shakespearean syntax like “Uhhh… [stares out window, whistles]… sure is a nice place in here. Want to go somewhere els… can I buy you a… [duck and cover]? Well, I’ve seen better in Agricultural Monthly.”
Don’t fret, young lad or lassie. For there are now other things to do at the local hangout besides get your broken dignity handed back to you on a wadded up pile of soaked bar napkins.
Bar games soothe the sting of a sword fight breaking out at your local dive. They provide comfort, solace and entertainment for you. Yes, you: the everyman, the champion of the underdog, the weekend warrior of wasted. Glenlivet always tastes better when hand-delivered while tears of inadequacy well in the eyes of the defeated.
Today, we canonize these saintly outlets for the athletically challenged by counting down the 10 greatest games to play while you may or may not be intoxicated.
Top 10 Best Bar Sports
10. Golden Tee
Question: Where can you find the chicks at the bar?
Answer: Nowhere near the Golden Tee.
Who doesn’t love putting in dollar after dollar to spin a free-flowing wheel with enough force to poke the eyes out of a rhino?
9. Big Buck Hunter
You’re in the bar with your boys, cranking back cans of Ice Beer while listening to some Bon Jovi. What should appear to your blurry-eyed soul? A giant moving screen in a box … with guns. This is Duck Hunt on steroids, Oregon Trail for the Apple IIe kids who didn’t think the Buffalo hunting was lifelike enough.
Only an American who knew nothing about soccer could come up with a certifiably addicting soccer experience that plays nothing like the game itself. You can perform flips seventeen times over by brushing the handle with brute force, spinning the ball in every direction but the goal itself.
7. Touch Screen
Video Crack. All sorts of strategy puzzles involving cards, Japanese symbol blocks and jumbled words. We were partial to 11-ball. What’s better on a beer-n-coke binge than trying to slap your fingers against magically colored pool balls, to make them add up to 11 and disappear? Nothing. We played it from the happy hour to the witching hour to the “Turn off the [bleep]ing sun!” hour.
Best played against a 120″ projector screen in a glowing room. Super Mario Kart or Wii Bowling or Wii golf in the company of total strangers? With the potential to belt someone across the face with hard-coated plastic if the game gets too intense? Win.
5. Beer Pong
Surely the greatest drinking game of all time. Not quite as spectacular when played with virtual strangers, in front of an audience of 47 drunken frat-boys who chant “chug! chug! chug!” after every ball is sunk. (We, too, were once a frat-boy, but we were too busy making out with your girlfriend to chant.) Classic. The concept of playing a basketball-type skill game in an attempt to reach unholy levels of debauchery is a stroke of brilliance. Beware, though, the correlation: the better you get at Pong, the worse you are going to be at driving. If you find yourself running the table, do call a cab.
4. Bubble Hockey
Foosball’s Canadian cousin made inroads in the United States during the Miracle on Ice era, as many bars set up the plexi-glassed time-waster to give the everyman a chance to knock that Commie scum back to Vladivostok. Personally, I enjoyed playing as the CCCP and riding my imaginary line of Bure, Mogilny and Federov to plastic puck domination.
Not the old man VFW game played on asphalt. Oh, no. The bar game with grated Parmesan atop a hardwood table, and magically floating metal discs which travel everywhere except to where you want. Addicting, invigorating and suspenseful, this is quality family entertainment for when you want to ditch the family.
So this one time, we were playing some billiards at a dive bar, and some biker challenged us to a game of nine-ball, with drinks on the line. Now, there’s a hustler! Somehow, we defeated him on the felt table and it was his turn to bring us an icy cold Eliot Ness.Well, this no-good drifter forgot to inform us he was on a tab and his credit card got declined. After he spent some time swapping jabs with the bar owner and cursing off a few cops, Eliot Ness was ours on the house for the rest of the evening. We loved pool before that night. We really love it now. There’s nothing sexier than the way a girl caresses the cue, there’s nothing sweeter than a well-struck break and there’s nothing more satisfying than running the table at your local bar, drinking for free till the sun shines.
Darts is a humbling experience. In theory, it seems so simple. You toss a winged needle at a pizza board and try to get that sucker to stick in the slice of pie that yields the number you need. Fat chance of that ever happening until you’ve had a six-pack or two. Your hands shake, the eyes of patrons gaze at your intense stare and you end up spraying that dart against the window. However, once you get good (or drunk) enough to calm yourself down, the perfectly struck Dart round is second only to the perfectly struck golf shot in terms of pure ecstasy.
So meet us out sometime and challenge us … you know where we’ll be. We’ll buy the booze if you bring the quarters.