Game 1 of the NBA Finals In the Basement

By Jared Porter
Tony Parker Game 1 Finals
Derick E. Hingle-USA TODAY Sports

Game 1 of the NBA Finals is about to begin. The San Antonio Spurs and the Miami Heat are taking the court in Miami for shoot-around, while I am getting settled in to a comfortable, micro-suede Lazy Boy recliner in my basement.

I’m eating Ramen Noodles. Not because I enjoy Ramen Noodles, but because I can afford Ramen Noodles. I’m a college student. College students eat Ramen Noodles. But that’s not important.

Team intros begin

It is a given the away team will be booed. On the contrary, I would be the single person in the arena standing and applauding the Spurs. It’s a pretty impressive accomplishment making it to the NBA Finals. Am I trying to to start a new fad? No. I like being different. However, if the home crowd were to applaud and cheer wildly for the away team, would that confuse and perhaps throw off the away team? It might be worth a try people.

Now, I am a little confused. Why am I confused? Don’t worry, I’ll feed you little birds.

The Heat intro song is a White Stripes song. That is odd enough, but what is really throwing me off is that the Heat players are not doing the typical flashy handshakes and hip bumps that teams usually do. Instead, they are still stretching or sitting on the bench or talking to their coaches. The camera men must be very confused. Did they not get the memo that the introductions are starting? Introductions are half the reason I tune into games. Now I’m angry.

1st quarter

The Spurs open the game on a 9-2 run. The next couple possessions will determine whether I keep watching or change the channel to Desperate Housewives. The Heat end up making it a game, and even come out with a one-point lead after the first quarter. Sorry Eva Longoria, I have to keep watching your ex-husband play basketball. Get it? Eva Longoria is in Desperate Housewives and Tony Parker is her ex-husband.

2nd quarter

My Ramen Noodles are gone. I knew I should have made three packets instead of two. Why do the makers of Ramen make their portions big enough to satisfy a Pomeranian? Pomeranian’s are very small dogs.

The Heat seem to be playing well. They’re hitting threes, setting the pace and giving Tim Duncan some trouble with good defense. Yet, the half ends with just a three point Heat lead. That has to be frustrating to the Heat. It’s like eating just the crust of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It’s still good, but it would have been so much better to eat the middle.

3rd quarter

I’m not watching the third quarter. I have better things to do, like play a nice game of Tetris, or build a card house or watch paint dry.

I don’t really know what happens in the third quarter, so I’m not going to pretend like I do. Shout out to Skip Bayless.

Turns out I don’t miss much. Both teams score 20 points in the quarter and the game does not change. Thanks again, infamous third quarter. You have solidified my choice to never watch you again.

4th quarter

This is basketball.

Both teams are playing like they’re in the NBA Finals or something. The Spurs take a somewhat comfortable six point lead with about three minutes left in the game. Then the Heat finally remember they play basketball for a living, so they decide to make things interesting in the final moments of the game.

The Spurs have the ball up by two with about 29 seconds left in the game. Parker has the ball. By the way, Parker is pretty good at both basketball and getting wives that are better looking than him. Parker dribbles around for an extended period of time and brings the shot clock down to two. Parker falls. My heart sinks. He gets up while somehow keeping his dribble. He shoots. The ball bounces around the rim. I don’t care whether it goes in or not at this point because I think it’s a shot clock violation. The ball goes in the hoop, the play gets reviewed and stands.

Spurs win 92-88.

My stomach hurts from too many Ramen Noodles, but at least I watched a decent basketball game.


Jared Porter is an Oklahoma City Thunder writer for Follow him on Twitter @JaredRyanPorter, or add him on Facebook

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