Game 2 Of The NBA Finals In The Basement

By Jared Porter
Game 2 of NBA Finals
Derick E. Hingle-USA TODAY Sports

Tonight is Game 2 of the NBA Finals between the San Antonio Spurs and Miami Heat in Miami. I’m driving home from seeing the movie Fast and the Furious 6. Was it a good movie? No. The acting was horrific. I should know better than to go see another Vin Diesel movie. The only people watching his films are meatheads and/or mutes.

I finally get to the house and head straight for my basement. It’s pretty much where I watch all of the great sporting events: NBA Finals, Super Bowl, Ryder Cup and WWE. Just kidding about the WWE, even though the acting is better than any Vin Diesel film.

Team Intros

For the second consecutive game, the Heat players refuse to do a traditional walkout. Maybe they’re too cool for it, or maybe they realize walkouts are not worth it since they only have fans in the Miami-Dade area.

I’m an Oklahoma City Thunder fan, but tonight I will be joining the 99.9 percent of America that routes for any team playing the Heat. Go Spurs, go.

First Quarter

Before I even have time to make my traditional batch of Ramen Noodles – it’s a proud tradition – Spurs’ guard Danny Green hits three triples in a row. He is now on pace for 100 thousand points. Okay, that number might not be correct; I’m not a mathematician.

The quarter ends all even at 22. Green only has nine. I guess I will not be witnessing history.

Second Quarter

The Heat’s very own Old Man River, Mike Miller, opens the quarter with a three. Does anybody else expect Miller to burst into ash every time he gets touched? The guy enters the arena on crutches on a nightly basis, but then sinks magical threes in big games. He must be touched by an angel, or possibly Derek Fisher, not too sure yet.

Great. A Fast and the Furious 6 commercial just came on. I’m not close enough to the remote to change the channel in time. Don’t fall for the trailer people. It is a horrible movie. If you want to experience a Vin Diesel film, then just go out and lick a cactus, or get in a fight with Kendrick Perkins.

We’re midway through the second quarter, and LeBron James only has two points on 1-of-4 shooting. He is about to be demoted from ‘King James’ to ‘Peasant James.’ Who wants to start the trend with me?

Scratch that, James just hit a three. In other news, Michael Jordan just threw his Air Jordans at his television screen.

The half ends with the Heat leading the Spurs 50-45. America leaves their flags at half-staff temporarily.

Third Quarter

Past experience has taught me to never watch the third quarter of any basketball game. They’re worthless. But since there is nothing else on television besides Gossip Girl and the Pacifier – the peak of Vin Diesel’s career – I guess I will watch.

The Heat fans seem extremely hungry. They keep chanting in unison, “LET’S GO EAT!” Do they not have concessions? I would be upset too.

Oops, I have just been informed via Twitter the fans are chanting, “LET’S GO HEAT!” Sorry for my lack of common sense. Shout out to Skip Bayless.

The quarter ends and unfortunately, the Heat extend their lead to 10. The infamous third quarter has struck again. This is exactly what I get for watching. I guess hockey got it right when they chose to play three periods. It might be the only thing hockey got right. Did you know the NHL was still in season? Me neither.

My apologies to everyone in Northeast America.

Fourth Quarter

The Heat have a 19-point lead with a little over eight minutes to go, so I’m going to go ahead and wrap up this article. I’d rather go play NBA 2K13 and simulate how this game should have gone.

Even though my night has been very irritating up to this point, I have learned a few things. The Heat are pretty good at putting cylindrical objects in hoops, Danny Green can’t follow through with his best Wilt Chamberlain impersonation and Vin Diesel should switch careers to be a mime.

** Vin Diesel had no part in the creation of this article, luckily.

Jared Porter is an Oklahoma City Thunder writer for, Follow him on Twitter @JaredRyanPorter, or add him on Facebook.

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