Allegations at Oklahoma State Don't Have Anything On Band Nerds

By M. Shannon Smallwood
College Football Allegations Don't Have Squat on Band Nerds
Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports-Jeff Hanish-USA TODAY Sports

So everyone is shocked at the Sports Illustrated five-part (five weeks of giving you a reason to buy the magazine) breaking, exclusive on the horrible allegations of sex, drugs, cash and rock and roll within the Oklahoma State Cowboys program. They have even thrown around the keywords of Les Miles, Mike Gundy and T. Boone Pickens to make sure your thirst for blood is filled.

But what you all need to realize is that the biggest acts of debauchery and shenanigans in college football do not happen on recruiting trips or while working summer jobs in Stillwater or Miami. That stuff is G-rated and kids stuff compared to the Las Vegas lifestyles that occur each and every day before, during and after band practice.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. The biggest derelicts on the football fields around the nation on Saturdays are the Band Nerds. Don’t be fooled by their unflattering 80-pound polyester uniforms or tall top hats with the gigantic swan-looking feather coming out of it. These are professionals at living the full college experience in every single way.

And boy, do they take “every single way” to a whole new level.

Just let your mind race right now on the fact that you are mixing an equal amount of college aged men and women on cross-country road trips. Now think about your personal college experience in your average dorm room and how much fun you had. The bottom line is, you can’t hold an ounce of respect next to these guys and gals.

Plus, you have to look at it this way. Band members are extremely intelligent. They put in more than 80 hours a week to prepare for like 10 minutes on the field. Their tolerance for pain and dehydration is only rivaled by a camel. They work at a level of passion like no one else in college and when its time to relax, they play harder than anyone in any fraternity, sorority or football team ever dreamed about.

Now soccer players are close. Especially female soccer players. They truly know how to enjoy life and live it fully on the edge. They are extremely crafty at stealing hash browns from a Waffle House, but they still cannot throw a kegger to the level of awesomeness of that of a band nerd.

Even Johnny Manziel would be hard pressed to keep up with the great social animals that are band folk. In fact, Manziel would be begging to go home and take a nap by 3 a.m. following the completion of a noon game in September.

So if you want to really have one gosh darn good time this Saturday, track down and befriend a few band members. There is a chance you will wake up missing a finger in Bangkok, but it will be so worth it!

M Shannon Smallwood is a member of the Football Writers Association of America and the US Basketball Writers Association. Follow him @woodysmalls.

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