MLB: Classifying Boston Red Sox Beards
Fear the Beards
“Fear the beards.” That’s the Boston Red Sox team credo. It’s so original I can’t believe no one’s ever thought of it before.
Wait, it has been done before? By who? What do you mean "every playoff hockey team"? Well that’s a different sport so it doesn’t count.
What? Who’s Brian Wilson? You mean the guy in the Beach Boys? Cause Carl’s the one who had the beard. Oh, the former San Francisco Giants closer currently with the Los Angeles Dodgers. What do you mean he did a SportsCenter commercial about it?
Whatever, it worked for him in 2011 and it’s worked so far for the Sox in 2013.
Meanwhile, Kevin Youkilis is sitting at home learning what it feels like to be Pete Best – he rocked facial hair in Boston for years but no one jumped on the beard bandwagon till after they traded him. This year, he was a clean-shaven member of the New York Yankees while the Red Sox turned Beantown into Beardtown and rode the beard magic all the way to Beardtober.
Though I’m a diehard Yankees fan, I must admit I admire the team unity that seems to exist within the Boston clubhouse. It’s the same kind of atmosphere the Yankees had in 2009 with Nick Swisher keeping everyone loose and A.J. Burnett always ready with a shaving cream pie in hand just in case someone hit a walkoff. The Red Sox have achieved the same environment with a team-wide decision to let their razors gain cobwebs. They are truly demonstrating why it’s the New England Patriots – not the Red Sox – that play in Gillette Stadium.
But beards come in many shapes and sizes and even though everyone has committed to growing whiskers, the Red Sox players are sporting various types of facial hair. Let’s break down the Red Sox beards.
David Ross - The Silver Fox
Apparently he was taken by surprise when his whiskers grew in gray.
Dustin Pedroia - The Garden Gnome
Between his height and his long, rounded beard with the mustache trimmed short, all he's missing is the pointy hat.
Jacoby Ellsbury - The Shakespeare In Love
Kind of a modification to a regular goatee. He looks like he could have been an extra for the Oscar winning film.
David Ortiz - The Chin Strap
Ortiz has been rocking this look well before this year, but he's certainly embraced it in 2013.
Clay Buccholz - Patchy the Pirate/Patches O'Houlihan
He looks like the freshman who decided to try No-Shave-November.
Jon Lester - SEE: Clay Buccholz
Lester and Buccholz should have gone the route of Will Middlebrooks and Daniel Nava and just stuck with the stubble. They're not quite on the same level as the other guys on the team.
Jonny Gomes - The Serial Killer
Maybe it's the shaved head to go with the straggly beard or the sheer intensity in his eyes when he's in the batter's box, but Gomes is actually frightening.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia - Party in the Front, Party in the Back
Not only has Salty let his beard go, but he's combined it with a long, curly mop-top/mullet hair-do.
Shane Victorino - The Goatee
The Detroit Tigers win the ALCS? Not by the hairs on his chinny-chin-chin
Mike Carp - The Amish Beard
Between his long beard and extremely pale skin, he looks like the Red Sox found him on a farm in Pennsylvania. I wonder if he crafted his own bats by hand.
Mike Napoli - The James Garfield
Napoli has the best beard on the Red Sox by far. The way he's hit this year, he's on his way to being the President of Red Sox Nation.
Koji Uehara - The "I Have An Unhittable Splitter So I Don't Need A Beard" Beard
This guy's filthy. He doesn't need any beard magic.