15 of the Biggest Stooges in Sports
15 of the Biggest Stooges in Sports
Before I get into making fun of some of the world’s dumber athletes, I think it’s only fair that I share some of the dumbest things I’ve said and done. I’m not the sharpest knife and never have claimed to be. There is a lot more evidence than this, but here are a few examples that come to mind.
Ex. 1: A couple months ago, when discussing how many eccentric people from Canada there were, I added Sarah Palin — the former Governor of Alaska who ran for Vice President of the United States.
Ex. 2: When my wife came home with a haircut she didn’t like, I told her I never have and never will care what her hair looks like, and I honestly thought it would be taken as a good thing.
Ex. 3: I once thought having kids would be a good idea.
Ex. 4: When I was 22-years old, I got fired from a job I really liked because I left early after I already asked my boss if I could leave and she told me I couldn’t. The reason I felt so inclined to abandon my job — a Kansas City Royals game. And as you could have probably guessed, no, they weren’t competitive. I lost a job because I refused to miss the first couple of innings of a pointless baseball game.
There are plenty more examples that I may share in another article in which I hypocritically judge people for being stupid, but that’s all I’ll admit for now. Here are 15 athletes who may or may not be dumber than me.
15. John Madden
I love Madden, and I’ll admit that if I were forced to talk about anything continually for over three hours, a lot of stupid things would come out of my mouth. Unfortunately, me being slow doesn’t get him a pass here. His commentary style often sounds like a parent talking to a four-year-old who has trouble listening. A perfect example from his endless library of dumb quotes would be, “Hey, the offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they’re bigger than everybody else, and that’s what makes them the biggest guys on the field.”
14. Mark Sanchez
Outside of another butt fumble, there is no other play Sanchez can make or not make that he will be remembered for more prominently. He took the snap, and ran untouched, directly into guard Brandon Moore’s butt and fumbled the ball. How could he possibly top that?
13. Suzy Favor Hamilton
Rule No. 1 of leading a double life: Don’t tell a bunch of people you’re leading a double life! A three-time Olympian, Favor Hamilton secretly worked as a $600-an-hour escort in Las Vegas despite not needing the money. The only person who knew about it was her husband until she started blabbing to her clients about who she was. The former Wisconsin Badger was a three-time Big Ten Female Athlete of the Year, and the award was named after her until this story came out late last year.
12. Bobby Petrino
Petrino’s widely-publicized affair with former Arkansas Razorbacks Volleyball Star Jessica Dorrell was very stupid, but the facts surrounding it make it much worse. After the motorcycle accident that brought everything to light, Petrino tried to say he was alone despite the fact there was already a police report documenting Dorrel’s presence.
On top of that, he was on the committee that gave his mistress her $55,735-a-year job with Arkansas, and added $20,000 in cash for a Christmas gift. On a side note, does anybody else look at this picture and hear, “It’s a Jump to Conclusions Mat”?
11. Stephen A. Smith
When volume frequently outweighs the substance of a person’s argument, then you are dealing with a dummy. Smith’s ‘I’m louder so I’m right’ style of arguing is not only stupid, but it’s incredibly annoying. His partner Skip Bayless isn’t all that bright either, but at least he isn’t constantly talking over people.
One of the most hilarious things on ESPN is when there's a serious story for these guys to talk about. They act like total fools for every preceding story, and then get this awkwardly out of place somber tone for the serious story, before immediately going back to acting like morons. It cracks me up every time.
10. Fab Melo
Not only was Melo ineligible for the 2012 NCAA Tournament for academic reasons, but he also lost a fight with a doorway. The former Big East Defensive Player of the Year suffered a concussion after walking into a door frame that I’m sure came out of nowhere.
9. Denver Broncos' Front Office, Elvis Dumervil and His Agent
Dumervil and (former) agent Marty Magid were done in by a slow fax machine, or so they claim. Magid and the three-time Pro Bowler blew their chance to re-sign with the Denver Broncos in the offseason because they waited until 35 minutes before the deadline to decide to take the offer. They didn’t leave themselves enough time to sign and send the documents, and Dumervil had to be released.
The Broncos’ front office lost one of the league’s best pass-rushers in an incredibly embarrassing way. Dumervil and Magid should probably take most of the blame, but John Elway and company are at fault too. They should’ve had the deal with such an impact player done well before the deadline. And I’m going to speak for the one who can’t speak for itself in this situation — it was not that poor fax machine’s fault. Professionals should get the deal done well before the deadline, and should not be pointing fingers at fax machines that are just trying to do their best.
8. Johnny Manziel
I think it’s safe to say that this one is to be continued, but here are few of Manziel’s highlights so far. He gave a cop a fake ID, he tweeted that he “can’t wait to leave College Station” because of a parking ticket, he tried to go to a University of Texas frat party and of course was kicked out. Possibly the most annoying is that stupid money gesture he does after a touchdown. To be fair, he still has some time to grow up, but he is so ridiculously immature it’s hard to believe it will happen anytime soon.
7. Robinson Cano
Cano was booed heavily at the 2012 All-Star Game in KC because he promised to put a Royal into the Home Run Derby, and then went back on his word. If that weren’t dumb enough, he then decided to blast KC fans for booing at his family. I’m not sure how the imbecile figured the fans knew what his family looked like, but they weren’t being targeted like Cano suggested. Anyone wearing Cano jerseys were going to get booed and they should’ve seen it coming.
6. Riley Cooper
Cooper’s viral video in which he threatens to fight ‘every (African American) here’ at a Kenny Chesney concert has made him far more famous than his below average receiving skills ever could. I think as a punishment, Mr. Tough Guy should have to fight everyone on the Philadelphia Eagles who took exception with it. I think it would help everyone move on, and it should definitely be televised.
5. Paul Bissonnette
With over 434,000 followers, Bissonnette is much more famous for his Twitter account than his underwhelming hockey career. He is actually a pretty entertaining Twitter follow, but he is more laugh-at-him funny than laugh-with-him funny. Here are a few of his recent tweets:
Tell your parents they did a s----y job @juliannaraee. They'll understand.
Still haven't met a person who can poop without peeing.
Hey guys. Can everyone text or call my friend Chris and wish him a happy birthday. Thanks. 818-857-#### (he tweeted all the numbers)
Don't be shy to throw some free boxers my way @OEL_23. Just not the white ones. I'm a lazy wiper. Hashtag bacon strips?
4. Alex Rodriguez
There is way too much material here, so I’ll just go with the most recent. A-Rod’s defense for his link to the Biogenesis scandal was that he was duped into taking performance enhancers. Despite the lofty price, and how secretive the dealings had to be, he expects people to believe he had no idea he was taking banned substances. He is not only laughably stupid -- he thinks the rest of the world is too.
3. Von Miller
To quote Bart Simpson, “How can someone with glasses that thick be so stupid?’ Miller conspired with a sample collector to cover up his use of banned substances but when that option wasn’t available, he spilled his sample and claimed it was an accident. Did he think they would just say “He spilled it? Well nothing suspicious about that. No need to test him again anytime soon.” I honestly want to know what this moron thought spilling it was going to accomplish.
2. Ryan Lochte
If you haven’t seen Seth MacFarlane's impression of Lochte on SNL, do yourself a favor and Google it. Lochte is the latest Jessica Simpson, Jersey Shore type that is trying to profit from being dumb. Some think he may be playing it up a bit, but it seems strange to me that an Olympian with plenty of money in endorsements would do that. If he is, it’s pretty humiliating that he tried and failed at being a living joke. His reality show What Would Ryan Lochte Do? was cancelled after eight episodes.
1. Aaron Hernandez
Most murderers are pretty dumb, but not all of them. Murder makes you one of the lowest forms of garbage, but not necessarily stupid. Hernandez is definitely both. How incredibly bad at murder is what really puts the ‘Connecticut Gangster’ over the top. He smashed his entire security system and cell phone (as if that wouldn’t look suspicious), he dumped the body very close to his house, and there were witnesses pretty much every step of the way.