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Recasting Bad Santa With Sports Stars

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Recasting Bad Santa With Sports Stars

Kevin Liles-USA Today Sports

The Christmas theme continues, as I'll be recasting the X-mas classic Bad Santa with famous sports figures. For those of you who haven't seen Bad Santa, what is wrong with you? Go see it right now -- actually, after you read this.

Bad Santa is a movie about a miserable, scummy alcoholic named Willie, played masterfully by Billy Bob Thornton. Willie and his sidekick Marcus, who is an angry little person, go around the country working at various malls as Santa and his Elf. This is all for the purpose of robbing the mall safe and ripping off retail merchandise. On their latest mall conquest, things start to go to south when Willy continues to drink himself away into further self-loathing. Things start to get more complicated when a nice, but strange young boy starts stalking Willie (he thinks he's Santa), in addition to certain mall employees getting wise to Willie and Marcus' scam.

For this recasting I’m basically going for the main characters and a select few minor characters. Now for certain characters like Thurman Merman (the stalker kid), you have to suspend disbelief a little (I’ve got a great one for him by the way). Also, another one that you have to give a little (no pun intended) slack to is the Marcus character. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that I picked a non-little person for the Marcus character, but you can do anything with movies these days. I mean, Martin Short played a 10-year-old boy in that awful Clifford movie in the early 90’s. Unfortunately, the one character that won’t be showing up on the list is Grandma Merman. Sorry Grandma, go back to your slumber.

Without any further ado, here is my recasting of Bad Santa with sports figures. Now go make yourselves a bunch of sandwiches and get comfortable.

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Jared Allen: Willie

Evan Habeeb-USA Today Sports

Originally played by Billy Bob Thornton. Jared Allen already has the look down and he definitely has the rugged 'I don't care if I get into a fight' thing going on. The one thing Allen would have to work on is being a miserable human being like Willie is. I don't know about all of you, but I could definitely see an inebriated Allen dressed like Santa punching plastic reindeer in front of horrified children.

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Wade Phillips: Thurman Merman

Thomas Campbell-USA Today Sports

Thurman Merman, originally played by Brett Kelly, is a good kid, but also a little strange. Thurman is a pudgy little doughboy with no self-esteem. He's such a pathetic pushover that you have sympathy for him because he is a very sweet kid. I immediately thought of Wade Philips to play this character, Phillips is someone that people laugh at, but also feel sorry for.

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Floyd Mayweather: Marcus

Jayne Kamin-Oncea-USA Today Sports

Originally played by Tony Cox, Marcus is the brain of the operations. He's smart, cunning, mouthy and will take evil measures when the situation calls for it. Marcus is also angry most of the time, I would probably be too if some drunkard kept messing up my well-laid plans. Initially, I had trouble finding someone to play this character, then it finally hit me as I was going through my archive of pictures. Like I said before, just use a little special effects to make Floyd Mayweather a little person and boom! After the fact, I remembered the part when Marcus and Willie were trying to teach pathetic Thurman Merman to box -- talk about icing on top of the cake.

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Steve Smith: Lois

Steve Mitchel-USA Today Sports

Originally played by Lauren Tom, Lois is the wife/girlfriend of Marcus. She doesn't say much and always has a scowl on her face. It seems like her only purpose is pick out certain merchandise for the boys to steal later, although she's never adverse to assisting in dirty deeds. She is a shallow, materialistic gold-digger. I immediately thought of Steve Smith playing this character in drag and I couldn't stop laughing until maybe now. Smith would have that scowl down to a science, I'm telling you.

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Danica Patrick: Sue The Bartender

Jerome Miron-USA Today Sports

Originally played by Lauren Graham, Sue is the love interest of Willie? She's only a super hot bartender with a caring and thoughtful personality. Why shouldn't she be into an alcoholic dirt bag like Willie? It's all about the Santa costume, because Sue has quite the fetish for Santa and anything Santa related. Sue is the normal every-woman type, and would be played beautifully by Danica Patrick.

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Brad Childress: Bob Chipeska

Kirby Lee-USA Today Sports

Originally played the late Jon Ritter, Bob Chepeska is the Mall Manager who hires Willie and Marcus. Chipeska senses something is amiss with the two shortly after hiring them, but he's easily threatened by Marcus, who uses the race and little person card. This character was tailor-made for Jon Ritter, who had a knack for playing awkward, weak and hapless characters like Chipeska. I didn't even hesitate in casting Brad Childress in this spot. I could just see him with that 'deer in the headlights' look.

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Shannon Sharpe: Gin

Kirby Lee-USA Today Sports

Originally played by the late Bernie Mac, Gin was the mall security cop, the guy who acted as the spine for his boss Bob Chipeska. Gin quickly became wise to Willie and Marcus' scam, but decided to blackmail them for a piece of the pie instead of turning them in. As with most Bernie Mac characters, it was mostly Bernie Mac being Bernie Mac. This character like most is loud, funny, blunt, energetic, with just the right amount of intimidation factor and just the right amount of goofiness. Of course Shannon Sharpe is mostly just goofy now, but he still has the intimidation deep down. He would be perfect for this character.

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Richie Incognito: Skateboard Bully Kid

Kirby Lee-USA Today Sports

Originally played by Max Van Ville. During the course of the movie, poor Thurman Merman is tormented by a group of skater kids, the worst of which is the leader. This little cigarette-smoking emo pre-teen bullies poor Thurman when he's trying to do nothing more than walk by. Of course, like most movie bullies, this Billy Idol-looking villan gets his comeuppance at the end. Need I even explain why Richie Incognito is perfect for this part? That's it, happy holidays y'all.