You Secretly Love the Size and Ridiculousness of Cowboys Stadium (And You’ll Never Call it AT&T Stadium)

Sure, you tell your non-DFW friends that Cowboys Stadium is a little over the top, but deep down you know it’s the most awesome venue in sports history and you think MetLife Stadium is stupid, especially because it cost more than Cowboys Stadium to build. Oh, and you haven’t even noticed that I’ve been saying “Cowboys Stadium” and not “AT&T Stadium” because that’s the way it should be, right?

You Don’t Admit A-Rod Ever Played for the Rangers

When Alex Rodriguez signed with the Rangers in 2001, Texas fans really didn’t know what to think. On the one hand, we were happy the team finally pretended to care about building a winning roster. On the other hand, we were upset so much money was spent on one player who didn’t really fix the team’s problem: pitching. And now that A-Rod is the most hated player in baseball (and especially since he won a title with the Yankees), Rangers fans have erased from their memory the fact he ever played in Arlington.

You Don’t Acknowledge the Whole “No Goal” Nonsense

Nobody in Texas (or anywhere in the south, for that matter) cares about hockey. However, you know those delusional Sabres fans who think Brett Hull’s 1999 Stanley Cup Finals-winning goal shouldn’t have counted shouldn’t be allowed to watch sports anymore. Even if we don’t care about hockey, we know a championship when we see one. Go Stars!

(Who’s our goalie this year, again?)

You Know What JerrySpeak Is

The rest of the world sees Jerry Jones as this rich guy who builds awesome stadiums and can’t seem to find a better quarterback than Tony Romo. That alone proves they know nothing about the Cowboys, but they also aren’t familiar with Jerry’s absolutely asinine comments of gibberish that make no sense whatsoever.

He provides these at least once a week on his radio show and you’ve heard so many of them that you know what the analysts, commentators and writers mean when they say Jerry Speak: Jerry’s own language that even he doesn’t really comprehend. Heck, 103.3-FM used to have a segment with an “interpreter” who would “translate” Jerry’s comments to the listeners.

'But yeah, Jerry’s a great owner and whatnot.' Stupid Philly fans…

You Understand JerrySpeak

Not only do you know what JerrySpeak is, but you can decipher what Jerry is saying without an “interpreter.” You know that when he says, “My confidence level regarding the job Wade Phillips is doing as the coach of the Dallas Cowboys is the same as it was before I started eating Cheerios for breakfast instead of waffles,” means he’s going to fire Phillips the next day. Think that “quote” was an exaggeration? Didn’t think so because you’re a Dallas-Forth Worth sports fan.

Even After the “Revenge Series” You Still Hate the Miami Heat

Mavs fans were so upset about the collapse in the 2006 NBA Finals they developed this hatred toward the Heat that only grew to astronomical levels once LeBron and Chris Bosh arrived in South Beach. However, the sweet taste of that first championship wasn’t sweet enough to ease that pain, even though it came against the Heat with their overrated Big Three. See how worked up you are? Told ya.

You’re Familiar With the Term “Phantom Foul”

Speaking of that ’06 series, Dallas fans are convinced they got the shaft from the refs, who called fouls on Dwyane Wade that simply weren’t fouls.

You just slammed your fists down on your desk and said “Yeah!” didn’t you? Those have become commonly known in Dallas as phantom fouls and even though the Mavs avenged that series in 2011, their fans will never forget how many times Wade went to the line because a Dallas player breathed too hard on him.

You’d Rather the Mavs Go Winless Than Trade Dirk

When asked point-blank in the summer of 2010 if he would rather do a sign-and-trade, LeBron for Dirk, and be guaranteed at least one title or keep Dirk and never win one, a Mavs fan with a disgusted look on his face said he would never consider getting rid of the German legend. True story.

You Don’t Think the “Icing Your Own Kicker” Joke is Funny

If you weren’t a Cowboys fan, you would double over laughing at the stupidity of the statement above and that’s exactly what everyone else does regarding the timeout Jason Garrett called before Dan Bailey’s kick that would have won the game against the Cardinals in 2011

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To anyone else, this would have been a hilarious segment on a show like C’Mon Man, Not Top 10 Plays or Shaqtin’ A Fool. But all you remember is the Cowboys missed the playoffs by one game at 8-8. Is your blood boiling yet? Yeah, you’re a DFW sports fan.

You Know Tony Romo Isn’t the Problem, But You Can’t Help But Take Your Anger Out on Him Like a Stepchild

You have seen the absolute joke of a job Jerry has done constructing this team and its staff over the past several years and you know that Romo would be a top-five quarterback on any other team in the league with a .500 record or better, but the common perception of him as a choker starts to rub off on you because the one person who needs to be fired can’t be. Thus, your frustration is taken out on Romo unfairly because nothing else can be done and you want to fit in with the common sports crowd.

You’ve Hated Jerry Jones So Much For So Long That You’ve Become Immune to the Cowboys’ Mediocrity

When the Cowboys first began their franchise downfall, Dallas fans felt the frustration, anger and disappointment that comes with a losing team. However, the moronic decisions by Jerry have piled up so much and the Cowboys have been mediocre-at-best for so long that you are now just patiently waiting. Yes, you know what Cowboys fans are waiting for. Let’s put it this way: we’re the new Raiders fans, and not in the stereotypical way.

You Liken the Jimmy Johnson Era to That One Awesome Summer Fling That You’d Give Anything to Live Again

As great as the Landry years were, the fast and furious success that came under Jimmy Johnson made modern Cowboys fans the spoiled brats we are. You know your standards for women increased greatly after that one awesome summer fling and you’ve never been the same since. That’s exactly how Cowboys fans are today when thinking of how great the team once was compared to where it is now. No wonder there are so many songs about summer flings.

You’ve Found a New Appreciation for the Mavs and Rangers Over the Past 20 Years

After the three straight 5-11 seasons in the early 2000s, football became more painful than exciting for Cowboys fans. Fortunately, the Mavs and Rangers both started improving about that time, so DFW folks drowned their sorrows in chases for NBA Finals and World Series trophies. It’s funny how Dallas’ basketball and baseball teams were pretty irrelevant during the 1990s.

You Have the Ultimate Love-Hate Relationship With Mark Cuban

“Yeah, the Mavs finally won the championship! Cubes is the best!

“Why would you blow up a championship team? Cuban is such an idiot!

Was this you a few years ago? Is this you still today? You bet it is. Mark Cuban is more like your ex-wife these days even though in 2011, he was the greatest thing since sliced bread.

You Actually Consider Putting Mike Modano on the Dallas Sports Mt. Rushmore

Look, nobody south of the Mason-Dixon line gives a flip about hockey, but Mike Modano did more for the frozen sport in the south than anybody else in history and he brought a major American sports championship to DFW during a horrific sports ear for the area. Give the dude props.

Tom Landry is a Saint and You do the Sign of the Cross Across Your Chest When His Name is Mentioned, Even if You’re Not Catholic

Before Jerry bought the Cowboys, Tom Landry was the only head coach in the franchise’s illustrious history. Since then, the Cowboys have had seven and only one and a half were worth anything. And no, Barry Switzer gets zero credit for that third Super Bowl in the 1990s.

Landry was an iconic coach who battled Vince Lombardi for NFL dominance before the merger in 1970. He put the Cowboys on the map and made them into the league’s model franchise and most popular team. All the glory the Cowboys enjoyed for three decades was because of Landry and that’s why there’s a statue of him outside Cowboys Stadium today.

You Think of Barry Switzer Only as the Freeloading Mooch Who Prevented the Cowboys From Winning Four Straight Super Bowls, Not the Former OU Coach

Speaking of Switzer, you know good and well the Cowboys would have won four Super Bowls in a row instead of three in four years had Jimmy still been the head coach. Switzer brought his college offense to the NFL and got laughed at trying to run the option with Troy Aikman and Emmitt Smith. And so began the downfall of the Cowboys a year after the Triplets found a way to overcome their idiot owner and head coach for one last hurrah.

Some folks will say Switzer is an iconic coach for having won championships at the college and pro levels, but you know the truth just like he does.

You Don’t Acknowledge That Nolan Ryan Played for Any Other Team Besides the Rangers

Nolan Ryan played just five seasons for the Rangers, yet Texas fans deem him the greatest player in franchise history. You can make an argument for Pudge, but Ryan was the man in Arlington. He’s now an iconic figure in Dallas sports history, even after the spat and split with current Rangers general manager Jon Daniels.

However, he played almost twice as many seasons with the Astros, and that was after five seasons with the Mets (excluding 1967) and eight with the Angels. But ask a Rangers fan, and we’ll blow it off as “a couple of seasons with those teams at the beginning of his career.”

You Get Offended When Pudge Isn’t Mentioned in the “Greatest Catcher of All Time” Discussion

Speaking of Pudge, how does the rest of the baseball world not see he’s a first-ballot Hall of Famer who should be recognized as one of the best, if not the best, catcher in the history of the game? Other people just don’t seem to get it and that doesn’t sit well with you, and it shouldn’t.

Boise State Will Never be the BCS Buster That TCU Was

When you hear the term “BCS Buster” you immediately think of TCU. As a DFW sports fan, you’d be sacrilegious not to. Way before Boise State came along with its little win over Oklahoma in the 2007 Fiesta Bowl, TCU was destroying the BCS standings. But because the Broncos were new and they had blue turf, the BCS wanted to showcase them intend of the Horned Frogs, who had been on the national scale for decades prior.

Boise State beat OU. So what? TCU has done it four times. The Broncos have finished in the top 25 eight times. Psssh. The Frogs have done it 18 times, including two national titles. BCS buster my boot.

You Know There’s a Legit College Football Rivalry Between TCU and SMU

The rest of the world may overhype rivalries like Michigan-Ohio State and Alabama-Auburn, but you know the rivalry between the Frogs and Ponies is just as fierce, even if there are no stabbings after the games. Even if you’re not a fan of either team, you’ve been to a TCU-SMU game and you know how intense those smart rich kids get on game day. Unless you attended either school, you root for the one to which you live closest when they play each other and you always root for both otherwise

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Pony Up and Roll Toad!

Tom Hicks is the Equivalent of Any Comic Book Super Villain in History

No one is more responsible for how awful the Rangers were before their most recent string of success. Was it a coincidence that was after the team was bought by Nolan Ryan and his team of investors? I think not.

You Secretly Kinda Root for the North Texas Mean Green, Even Though You Don’t Keep Up With Them

Ok, so North Texas isn’t exactly in the same boat as TCU and SMU when it comes to college sports, at least not usually. But the Mean Green are still the dorky little brother who everyone wants to see succeed at something someday. Hey, they won the Heart of Dallas Bowl this year. That’s a start.

You Chuckle Haughtily When Other People Try to Claim the “America’s Team” Title for Their Team

Even though you are embarrassed by the joke the Cowboys have become to the rest of the sports world, you still know the fan base is by far the largest in the NFL and always will be, regardless of how the team performs on the field. When others claim theirs is “America’s Team” you can’t help but feel superior to them in an arrogant manner. Our fan base may be 75% ignorant bandwagon fans who are bandwagoners because of the name and past success (definitely not recent success), but we still outnumber every other fan base out there by a large margin and we’re proud of that.

You Don’t Keep Up With Soccer or NASCAR, But You Secretly Think FC Dallas and Texas Motor Speedway are Cool

Admit it.