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Clubhouse Soccer

Ann Coulter’s Troll Job on Soccer in America Is Humiliating for Americans

Photo Credit - Mark J. Rebilas

Photo Credit – Mark J. Rebilas USA Today

I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know much about Ann Coulter other than what I’ve heard about from others, but I somehow ended up on her ridiculous troll job of an article today and felt compelled to respond. This is probably exactly what she wants me to do, but I don’t care.

The basis of her article is that soccer is rising in popularity in America but it really isn’t, and if it is it’s because the people watching aren’t true Americans. I promise the following is directly from the article, and she supposedly actually thinks this.

“If more ‘Americans’ are watching soccer today, it’s only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy’s 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.”

Well Ann, my great-grandfather was born right here in America, and I can trace ancestors back to the Revolutionary War, and I’ve watched every single game of this World Cup. Because it’s damn exciting, and many Americans have noticed this.

She goes on to make several ridiculous points about why Soccer essentially sucks. The hilarious part is, she’s wrong on every point. And I’ll break them down for you here.

- Individual achievement isn’t a big factor in soccer. Do they even have MVPs in soccer?

Um, what? Has she never heard of Cristiano Ronaldo or Lionel Messi? Does she know the Golden Boot is awarded to the highest goal scorer in the World Cup? Does she know FIFA awards a best player in the world award every year?

- Liberal moms like soccer because it’s a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level.

Also hilariously not true. Several sports are co-ed at a young age. But how many high school or even middle school soccer teams have you heard of that are co-ed?

- No other “sport” ends in as many scoreless ties as soccer. Even in football, by which I mean football, there are very few scoreless ties — and it’s a lot harder to score when a half-dozen 300-pound bruisers are trying to crush you.

So she complains about how little they score in soccer and, in the same point, goes on to say it’s harder to score in American football. This is the writing of an actual person, people.

- The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport

I think the Columbians would like to have a word with you, Mrs. Coulter. I’d like to see you tell Andres Escobar’s family, to their faces, that soccer is not a real sport and personal humiliation is not a factor. Geoff Cameron would also like a word.

- You can’t use your hands in soccer. 

It’s almost like she is subtly taking a shot at the theory of evolution here, as if not using our opposable thumbs is somehow blasphemy. Go home Ann, you’re drunk.

- I resent the force-fed aspect of soccer

Several fans of the sport do not force feed it on you. I know I don’t and I have many friends who don’t. You and everyone else complaining about this need to stop and get over yourselves. It’s just natural conversation. If you heard someone say they don’t like football, you’d probably tell them why they should like it. SAME THING. It doesn’t mean you’re “force feeding.”

- Soccer is like the metric system, which liberals also adore because it’s European

This was her excuse to knock the metric system and liberals in one fell swoop. She didn’t make any real connection between soccer and the metric system, other than they are both used and popular in Europe.

- Soccer is not “catching on.” Headlines this week proclaimed “Record U.S. ratings for World Cup,” and we had to hear — again about the “growing popularity of soccer in the United States.”

She went on to compare the USA vs Portugal game Sunday to Sunday Night Football, NFL Playoff Games and the Super Bowl. Yes Ann, everyone knows Soccer is not as popular as the NFL. WHAT A GREAT POINT. Except that does nothing to prove soccer isn’t growing in popularity in the country.

She finished the article with that joke of a comment about Teddy Kennedy. Is it me, or is this the worst piece of journalism in the history of journalism? I only wish I had the courage to link back to her article, but as I wouldn’t want any of you reading this to be subject to her trash on my account, you’ll have to find it on your own.