15 Athletes We’d Love To See On Celebrity Deathmatch

By Jerry Landry
15 Athletes We’d Love To See On Celebrity Deathmatch
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15 Athletes We’d Love To See On Celebrity Deathmatch

15 Athletes We’d Love To See On Celebrity Deathmatch Credit: Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports
If you’re a member of the “MTV Generation” and haven’t heard the news, it’s best that you take several deep breaths before reading this: ‘Celebrity Deathmatch’ is coming back! As we all should remember, Celebrity Deathmatch took claymation to the heights of fantasy and to the depths of perversion. It gave us the ability to see in near-reality what we could only imagine hypothetically. And as sports fans, there’s nothing we’d rather see play out than athletes at the height of their prime duel to the animated death in the congealing clay bloodsport of Deathmatch.

15 Athletes We’d Love To See On Celebrity Deathmatch

If you’re a member of the “MTV Generation” and haven’t heard the news, it’s best that you take several deep breaths before reading this: ‘Celebrity Deathmatch’ is coming back! As we all should remember, Celebrity Deathmatch took claymation to the heights of fantasy and to the depths of perversion. It gave us the ability to see in near-reality what we could only imagine hypothetically. And as sports fans, there’s nothing we’d rather see play out than athletes at the height of their prime duel to the animated death in the congealing clay bloodsport of Deathmatch.

15. J.J. Watt

15. J.J. Watt Credit: Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports
I’m not sure it’s possible to get clay to look this jacked, but believe me that Viacom will try. J.J. Watt will likely eviscerate his opponents quickly, then pose for a selfie after.

15. J.J. Watt

I’m not sure it’s possible to get clay to look this jacked, but believe me that Viacom will try. J.J. Watt will likely eviscerate his opponents quickly, then pose for a selfie after.

14. Alex Rodriguez

14. Alex Rodriguez Credit: Adam Hunger-USA TODAY Sports
This is one dude we’d love to see get stretched apart, drawn, quartered and treated like a Play-Doh punching bag. Rodriguez’s retaliatory weapon of choice? An injection needle filled with some wholesome “B-12.”

14. Alex Rodriguez

This is one dude we’d love to see get stretched apart, drawn, quartered and treated like a Play-Doh punching bag. Rodriguez’s retaliatory weapon of choice? An injection needle filled with some wholesome “B-12.”

13. Mamadou N’Diaye

13. Mamadou N’Diaye Credit: Kelvin Kuo-USA TODAY Sports
The 7-foot-6 N’Diaye looks as if already made from clay and in Deathmatch would have a greater reach than even Dhalsim from Street Fighter. How could this not be awesome?

13. Mamadou N’Diaye

The 7-foot-6 N’Diaye looks as if already made from clay and in Deathmatch would have a greater reach than even Dhalsim from Street Fighter. How could this not be awesome?

12. Tony Stewart

12. Tony Stewart Credit: Randy Sartin-USA TODAY Sports
If the prize for winning Celebrity Deathmatch were a cinnamon roll, Tony Stewart would become the staggering favorite.

12. Tony Stewart

If the prize for winning Celebrity Deathmatch were a cinnamon roll, Tony Stewart would become the staggering favorite.

11. Ndamukong Suh

11. Ndamukong Suh Credit: Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports
The lights of the arena dim real low, Suh enters the ring and removes a robe made entirely of Jay Cutler. Yep, Suh would have the intimidation factor nailed.

11. Ndamukong Suh

The lights of the arena dim real low, Suh enters the ring and removes a robe made entirely of Jay Cutler. Yep, Suh would have the intimidation factor nailed.

10. Kevin Durant

10. Kevin Durant Credit: Mark D. Smith-USA TODAY Sports
I just want to see Durant maintain his ridiculously high Q Score by fighting the most politically correct Deathmatch possible. Bring the backpack but make sure to pack a lunch, Durant.

10. Kevin Durant

I just want to see Durant maintain his ridiculously high Q Score by fighting the most politically correct Deathmatch possible. Bring the backpack but make sure to pack a lunch, Durant.

9. Zdeno Chara

9. Zdeno Chara Credit: Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports
I can’t imagine the traumatic peril Chara could inflict wielding a sharpened pair of CCM’s. So very glad Deathmatch is not yet real.

9. Zdeno Chara

I can’t imagine the traumatic peril Chara could inflict wielding a sharpened pair of CCM’s. So very glad Deathmatch is not yet real.

8. Pablo Sandoval

8. Pablo Sandoval Credit: Bob DeChiara-USA TODAY Sports
I’d imagine that a panda fight in nature would be about as worthwhile as watching Ted Cruz paint a wagon. But I feel watching this “Panda” fight would actually be intriguing.

8. Pablo Sandoval

I’d imagine that a panda fight in nature would be about as worthwhile as watching Ted Cruz paint a wagon. But I feel watching this “Panda” fight would actually be intriguing.

7. Alexander Ovechkin

7. Alexander Ovechkin Credit: Adam Hunger-USA TODAY Sports
Made more aerodynamic by a now-fortunate tooth gap, Ovechkin could shave seconds off rope-to-rope travel when looking to pummel foes.

7. Alexander Ovechkin

Made more aerodynamic by a now-fortunate tooth gap, Ovechkin could shave seconds off rope-to-rope travel when looking to pummel foes.

6. Tiger Woods

6. Tiger Woods Credit: Michael Madrid-USA TODAY Sports
Tiger Woods versus the millions of women who hate him. All at once.

6. Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods versus the millions of women who hate him. All at once.

5. Peyton Manning

5. Peyton Manning Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports
Peyton Manning combines the voice of Tom Hanks with the mobility of R2-D2. How this wouldn’t be entertaining is impossible.

5. Peyton Manning

Peyton Manning combines the voice of Tom Hanks with the mobility of R2-D2. How this wouldn’t be entertaining is impossible.

4. Tom Brady

4. Tom Brady Credit: Ron Chenoy-USA TODAY Sports
If Brady’s first challenger was Manning, it’d just be a 25-minute flaccid slap-fest. But if either faced anyone else… good lord.

4. Tom Brady

If Brady’s first challenger was Manning, it’d just be a 25-minute flaccid slap-fest. But if either faced anyone else… good lord.

3. Tim Tebow

3. Tim Tebow Credit: Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports
How long do you think Tebow would turn the other cheek while his face is being eaten?

3. Tim Tebow

How long do you think Tebow would turn the other cheek while his face is being eaten?

2. LeBron James

2. LeBron James Credit: Jeff Hanisch-USA TODAY Sports
It’d be really interesting to see King James’ clay counterpart handle the vagaries of Deathmatch. The pros: LeBron is pretty jacked and his hair is mostly plugs so pulling it won’t be effective. The cons: Well, most of Twitter still hates him.

2. LeBron James

It’d be really interesting to see King James’ clay counterpart handle the vagaries of Deathmatch. The pros: LeBron is pretty jacked and his hair is mostly plugs so pulling it won’t be effective. The cons: Well, most of Twitter still hates him.

1. Rob Gronkowski

1. Rob Gronkowski Credit: Jayne Kamin-Oncea-USA TODAY Sports
Yeah, like MTV wouldn’t “claymate” this manchild.

1. Rob Gronkowski

Yeah, like MTV wouldn’t “claymate” this manchild.

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