The Paul Blart Of Every Sport

‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2’ opened Friday in theaters and it would be “criminal” to not create some type of sports-themed spin-off. There’s a lot that goes into being a Blart. It’s not all fame and glamour, there are standards to uphold and segways to ride like a boss. Ladies, gentlemen and mall security officers, I awkwardly give you the Paul Blart of every big sport:

The Paul Blart Of Every Sport

‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2’ opened Friday in theaters and it would be “criminal” to not create some type of sports-themed spin-off. There’s a lot that goes into being a Blart. It’s not all fame and glamour, there are standards to uphold and segways to ride like a boss. Ladies, gentlemen and mall security officers, I awkwardly give you the Paul Blart of every big sport:

7. Bartolo Colon, MLB

Bartolo Colon looks dangerously unfit, yet is somehow the man for the job. Even Colon’s embarrassing pirouettes in the batters box are somehow poetically Blart-like. Perhaps he's hiding his true identity and maybe we've yet to see his final form: Blartolo Colon.

7. Bartolo Colon, MLB

Bartolo Colon looks dangerously unfit, yet is somehow the man for the job. Even Colon’s embarrassing pirouettes in the batters box are somehow poetically Blart-like. Perhaps he's hiding his true identity and maybe we've yet to see his final form: Blartolo Colon.

6. Andy Reid, NFL

Present day: Andy Reid shows up to a Kansas City Chiefs’ luncheon wearing blue jeans and a studded leather jacket. Most executives opt for a cocktail, Reid goes for a giant lemonade. Things go smoothly until Reid unknowingly embarrasses himself by winning an impromptu nacho-eating contest. Don’t you see? Reid is Blart. Blart is Reid. Just because this probably didn’t happen doesn’t mean it probably won’t happen.

6. Andy Reid, NFL

Present day: Andy Reid shows up to a Kansas City Chiefs’ luncheon wearing blue jeans and a studded leather jacket. Most executives opt for a cocktail, Reid goes for a giant lemonade. Things go smoothly until Reid unknowingly embarrasses himself by winning an impromptu nacho-eating contest. Don’t you see? Reid is Blart. Blart is Reid. Just because this probably didn’t happen doesn’t mean it probably won’t happen.