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5 Worst Athletes
Ever date an athlete before? No? Well, as a former athlete myself, let me tell you they can be a strange breed.
It’s not like meeting up with a normal person because that would be far too simple. Athletes have to have their dates catered to their every wish and whim and anything short will result in complete desertion. There are ways for you to avoid this, though. Make sure you have remembered by heart every single one of their achievements, awards, divorces and whatever else you receive on the form they will fax you prior to the date.
Know that you can answer up to three questions wrong before he screams at you for not caring about who he is as a person and calls his limo driver Courtney to come pick him up. If you manage to pass the preliminary round of questioning, then it’s on to the actual date where the athletes personalities will shine the brightest.
Are you going on a date with a middle linebacker? Then prepare to eat raw meat in a forest. Are you going on a date with a quarterback? Then prepare to stand in line while six other women go on a date with him first. Is it a hockey player? Then prepare to tell your parents that you might not be coming home for the next two months. Is it Rajon Rondo? Then prepare to eat sushi and Gatorade every waking moment of your now miserable life. If you choose to continue this far, I warn you very very sternly, these are the five worst athletes you can date.
5. Manu Ginobili, San Antonio Spurs
Very pricey date. He will take you to a place you can’t pronounce and then argue with you about the monetary value of rice before insulting your father’s taste in luxury cars.
4. Rob Gronkowski, New England Patriots
He’ll take you to any college bar in the immediate area. When you get there, he’ll say a password at the door that gets both of you into his underground fight club where he’ll brag about his martial arts skills before getting assaulted into the hospital in 0.5 seconds by a Samoan named Musaku.
3. James Harrison, Cincinnati Bengals
Harrison enjoys going to movies, very affordable. After the movie, he will question you on the gender of free weights and ramble uncontrollably about different advantages pieces have in monopoly. He will then rip out three of his teeth and hand them to you. These are tracking devices. if you take them, he will find you. Just politely decline.
2. Alexander Ovechkin, Washington Capitals
Bring a helmet. Ovechkin will pick you up in a scooter and then drive through a wall of vodka bottles while chanting “In Soviet Russia, car drive you!” If you haven’t jumped out at this point, he will suggest buying a lawnmower and riding it through a religious congregation of your choice. Don’t do this either. Two denials and he’ll take you to Chuck E. Cheese's where he will pass out in a ball pit after 15 minutes, this is when you escape.
1. Joe Flacco, Baltimore Ravens
Joe Flacco will pick you up in an SUV and drive you to a tennis court where he will stare at a fence for three hours laughing hysterically.
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