By Court Zierk @courtzierk on August 12, 2014
It’s that time again, fantasy football lovers; drafts are officially starting up across the nation. Old friends and strangers alike are pulling together to form leagues that are destined to have some of the stupidest team names you have ever come across. Well, I’d like to contribute to the collective stupidity with my offering of the 35 best names for your fantasy football teams this year.
Haden is a mean, mean cornerback, and one of the best in the NFL. He plays every down like his heart is full of hate for the other team, so what better way to commemorate that?
This one is just fun to say. Really. Try saying it out loud, and three times straight. Now chew gum and walk too.
Not one of the more well-known members of the Pittsburgh Steelers, but Guy Whimper sure does have a cool name.
Tom Savage could be in competition with Ryan Fitzpatrick by the end of the season. Known for his rocket arm, that may have even artificially inflated his draft status, one could easily equate it to a rifle. And Savage Arms just so happens to be one of the world’s largest producer of rifles. Fun. Right?
You knew there would be a Ha Ha joke in here somewhere. Clinton-Dix is a rookie who will need all the mentoring he can get from his teammates in the defensive backfield, and who better to offer him that guidance than newly re-signed veteran Sam Shields. The combination of their names also makes for some sound advice in the bedroom.
Johnny Cash has a legendary song called “A Boy Named Sue” about an alcoholic father who leaves his family, but not before doing the meanest thing he ever did to his son, name him Sue. I can relate to the struggle of a boy with a girl’s name, Court is short for something else after all, so this isn’t intended to be too mean-spirited. But it is funny.
I don’t think much else needs to be said here. Tennessee Titans fans, feel free to use this one to commemorate your favorite backup linebacker.
Vontaze Burfict is one of the hardest hitting linebackers in the league, often leaving his victims dazed and unaware of their surroundings.
Revis Island meets Spygate. A match made in heaven, but a nightmare for opposing offenses.
D’Brickashaw Ferguson is one of the best names ever. Period. It also sounds like this team name if you are astute enough to put two and two together.
Once CJ2K, Chris Johnson play now more closely resembles a fancy, puffed up dessert than someone who could break the 2,000-yard mark again.
Too Short fans should appreciate this one. An ode to the great Oakland rapper, and it works even better since Khalil Mack will play in same city in which Too Short told his freaky tales.
Ha, you had to look twice at that one I bet. A tribute to the revamped St. Louis Rams offense, hoping to compete in a defensive-minded NFC West. Another one that is fun to say, and makes you feel a bit dirty too.
I don’t know the answer to this, Bears fans. You tell me why he can’t play. Maybe figuring out what coverage you should be in at the end of the most important game of your team’s season is a good place to start.
Ponder graduated in two and a half years with a finance degree from Florida State University. He may need to rely on that degree now that it seems like his NFL career may be coming to an inglorious end.
Biggie fans will understand this reference. So will Jay Z fans, but hopefully they don’t think it was an original line by HOV. The Falcons need a big year from Tyson Jackson to help anchor their highly-scrutinized defense.
For Cincinnati Bengals fans who are fearful about the contract just extended to Andy Dalton, don’t worry, you always have A.J. Webb -- I mean McCarron -- waiting in the wings.
Kenny Stills emerged last season as one of Drew Brees’ favorite targets in New Orleans. He also sounds like he could be a member of a classic rock band.
This one is directed to Johnthan Banks’ parents. Seriously, where’s the "A?" It also works for Tampa Bay Buccaneers fans who want to dedicate their season to their favorite breakout cornerback.
This name works for all you Cowboys fans out there. I realize the B isn’t really there at the end of his name, but it makes it a whole lot more fun to say doesn’t it?
Again, for my Cowboys fans out there, who have experienced more pain at the hands of Sean Lee’s tendons than the loss of their first high school crush. Sorry, Sean, I’m pulling for you man, but your knee has now become an infamous entity unto itself.
Cowboys fans are just getting lucky today. They just happen to have a lot of cool names gracing their roster. This may be better suited for any transplant Cowboys fans in Colorado or Washington, but you get the idea.
Two members of the Giants' defense, putting their names together nearly completes one of America’s favorite past times.
Aldon Smith is one of the league’s best linebackers. He also has perhaps the most questionable character of any player in the NFL. He is also all done for half the season.
Broncos fans, this is the scary, and sad truth. Something you shouldn’t lose sight of. Don’t be scared. Embrace the importance of Peyton Manning on your team.
It used to be Doom & Gloom before Dumervil left town. Now with Ware anchoring the other side of the line, opposing offenses should be very scared, very scared indeed.
Rice’s legal problems have been well documented this offseason. With the slap on the wrist he received from the league for beating up his wife, the least I could do was provide an offensive nickname that I hope follows him for the rest of his career.
Clowney came out prior to the season and listed the quarterbacks he wanted to sack before his career was over. No better way to commemorate that than to call his list what it truly is, a bounty.
Whether in Denver or New York, Decker makes the ladies swoon. He probably makes a few of the fellas feel a bit funny in the nether regions too.
A tribute to the Colts who have every intent on handing on plenty of punishment to their opponents this season, and to make them like it too. TY Hilton, FN Lutz, and Qua Cox hope to play a big part in that.
The Bortles and Henne quarterback battle should be one of the more exciting ones to watch as the season unfolds. By the end of the year, one will be celebrating and popping bottles, the other will be drowning their woes.
EJ Manuel and Spiller hope to be key figures in a revamped and potentially dangerous Bills offense. Their names together also offer some sound advice on what to avoid doing at parties.
Hey, it’s true. It could have been a lot worse right?
Another dirty Colts reference. It’s too bad Dwayne Bowe doesn’t play for the Colts, or else my Fleener may make it Wayne on them Bowes.
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