FanGraphs’ Carson Cistulli is one of my favorite baseball bloggers. He’s probably the funniest sportswriter I’ve read since the end of FireJoeMorgan. Interestingly enough, he’s also an English professor at Portland Community College, where students say “if you have him as a teacher then consider yourself blessed by the schedule gods” and give him a “hot” chili pepper rating but question his fashion sense, while one jerk calls him “unfit to teach.”
At any rate, Cistulli is best known for his man-crush on Texas Rangers pitcher Colby Lewis, who he had picked as a preseason sleeper last spring and gradually deified over the course of the season. And so, on the final day of his weeklong competition at FanGraphs to win a free copy of the upcoming Second Opinion fantasy guide, he offered the prize to whoever could come up with the best epithet for the immortal Lewis.
If, for some reason, you are now dying to see how the contest played out, here are the winners (I’m proud to report that my submission, “Seppuku by Slider,” was an honorable mention). But if you read the full list of submissions, your mind will be blown by some of the best nerdy or baseball-related humor I’ve ever seen.