A Roaring Lion, Er, I Mean a Tiger

By d.j. Stockton

So the Detroit Tigers signed Prince Fielder for a lot of money which will guarantee that they will field a team for the upcoming season.  Not that it was never in doubt but you can never be too sure.  I don’t think it was a great signing but it was a huge signing that makes the Tigers the team to beat in the AL Central and maybe even the entire American League.  Good for them, I’m happy that they are willing to try and buy a championship and even happier that I don’t have to sign those checks that have more zeros in them than, well, a lot of things.  But I’m a little worried about a couple things that the Tigers are going to have to deal with but if anyone can figure them out it’s that cagey old sly fox named Jim Leyand but hopefully the smoke from his cigar will smoke out those Tigers because after all, he’s only a fox.


The first problem that apparently has already been solved is who will play first?  The Tigers have come out and said that Miguel “I can out drink you” Cabrera will move to third and happily play the position that he did when he first came into the league and subsequently was so bad that he was moved to first.  There’s no problem here, who needs defense anyway?  I can just see it that first day of spring training, during infield practice there will be that moment where Miggy will stare down Fielder but then will seemingly shrug it off so those onlookers will not see the contention in his heart.  We all know what Miggy will be thinking, it will be something like: “Sure you’re the Prince but I will show that only a king can lead Tigers, wait, he gets cheeseburgers at first?  I thought he was a vegetarian.  Does that mean I get to install a mini keg under third base, I’ve got to talk to my agent about this.”  That may be oversimplifying it a bit but we will see what Miggy’s AA group has to say about that.


Another problem that will certainly arise will be what Brandon Inge has to say about getting his position stolen.  This could be dangerous because he’s had so many knee surgeries that for all we know he’s completely bionic right now and could whip Robocop’s butt so Miguel Cabrera will be no problem.  But maybe Inge just wants to win so he will wait until after the World Series to enact revenge assuming he’s still on the team. . . and assuming the Tigers win the World Series which is about as guaranteed as me being named emperor of the United States next time the government is in danger of shutting down.  I’m sure the Tigers have a better chance than that but I just wanted to let you know as your emperor I would be way better than any president because I’d have unlimited power and things would really change for the better plus I would finally get that date with Taryne Mowatt because a happy emperor is a good emperor but that’s a little off topic.


The Tigers better win the World Series this year before Victor Martinez is healthy again because I’m not too convinced that Cabrera will make it at third (who’s your DH now?) but that is an issue for next year.


So the Detroit Tigers will go into the 2012 season as a heavy favorite to win the World Series, which is old news, geez, nearly two days old.  I just can’t wait to hear who wins the first Twinkie eating contest between Cabrera and Fielder, because after all, Fielder is a vegetarian and I hear Twinkies are a great drunk food.  If you’re in that Tiger Clubhouse pick your side wisely for that subsequent sumo wrestling match because you don’t want to be on the wrong side of that fall.

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