Fishing for the New and Improved Miami Marlins

By d.j. Stockton

The 2012 season for the Miami Marlins will be an interesting one for sure.  They have a new stadium with a retractable roof, not that it will help attendance figures because it wasn’t the threat of rain that was keeping the fans away.  But maybe more fans will show up to the stadium because they know where it is now with the new specific team name.  The Florida Marlins could be playing anywhere in Florida but the Miami Marlins could only be playing in Miami.  I heard they wanted a new stadium in Orlando but Disney already had one marlin and Goofy ate it so they thought it would be best to not have any more of them in town.  Then again the Braves might have liked the company during spring training because Chipper Jones is tired of fighting off Minnie Mouse.  But apparently the stadium has an aquarium for the backstop also, who thinks that’s a good idea?  Bulletproof glass, shatterproof glass, shot glass, it doesn’t matter PETA will have something to say about that.  “Mr. Loria, attorneys from PETA are on line one.” Wait for it, it will happen.


The Marlins did hook some big names this winter starting with Ozzie Guillen.  Unfortunately for the players Rosetta Stone only has lessons available for Spanish and not whatever Guillen speaks, which Logan Morrison found out the hard way the first time he and Ozzie tweeted back and forth.  But Morrison didn’t let that get him down unless that’s how he decided to start the new craze “Lomoing.”  I don’t think it will ever catch up to “Tebowing” but you never know since @Lomomarlins tweets more in one day than the total number of Justin Bieber’s fans that claim to be married to him.  Speaking of Justin Bieber, at least he wasn’t the one who did the Super Bowl Half Time Flop this year, he left that job for the Patriots.  The only reason that makes it in is because the Super Bowl used to be played at the Marlin’s old stadium which brings us back on topic.


Other names that the Marlins netted this year happen to be Mark Buerhle and Jose Reyes, only one of which got their hair cut live on TV.  I know you’ll be disappointed to hear that it wasn’t Buerhle because his hair was getting kind of shaggy.  Reyes hadn’t cut his hair since 2007 and figured he should do so to raise some money. . . ?  I guess $106 million isn’t enough?  No, I’m sure it went to a good cause maybe the Bribe Hanley Ramirez to Move to Third and Shut Up About It Fund.  What are the chances that he will move to third base and be an asset there?  If and when things go south I see him being traded unless Ozzie can work some of that magic that he did with Adam Dunn last year.  So that didn’t work out so well I’m sure this time it will.  Does anyone know if Hanley speaks Ozzie or will we need a translator?  But I’m sure that Heath Bell can help take some focus off by sliding into the pitcher’s mound like he did in last year’s All-Star Game and blow out a knee.


This could be the year Marlin fans, are any of you out there?  I encourage you to go to that new stadium and cheer on your team and buy some merchandise because it’s pretty now.  Your team could win the World Series this year but only if Josh Johnson stays healthy, Hanley Ramirez is an All-Star third basemen, Mike Stanton continues to grow as a hitter, Ozzie doesn’t blow a gasket, PETA doesn’t shut down the stadium and you show some support by “lomoing” wherever you go.  It should be a good year or at least a fun one to read about.  Here they are,  back from obscurity your 2012 Miami Marlins.

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