Oakland Athletics Anonymous

By d.j. Stockton

Well Billy, you’ve done it again.  You’ve found a way to assemble a team that some may call ingenious but others like me, ludicrous.  I don’t know how you do it and still have your job besides the fact that they love you in Oakland.  After all you’ve brought them, well, no championships and maybe a couple playoff appearances.  But hey, they made a movie about you and that was one great movie.  I am impressed at the Oakland A’€™s just not in a good way.  I’m sitting here wondering how many games you’ll win in the 2012 Season.  I hope for the sake of your fans that you can at least win a few so the Angels and Rangers don’t leave you completely in the dust.  The one thing that you will have above most of the teams in the Major Leagues is a guarantee of entertainment.  That is of course if Manny Ramirez makes the team and you still want him around after he serves that 50 game suspension.


Speaking of Manny Ramirez, what are the chances that he makes the roster?  I would think that they would be pretty good because how else are the A’s going to draw people to the ballpark?  All kidding aside, Manny is one of my favorite players which is why I wrote a couple letters to him asking and advising him to retire.  I never got a response, maybe I should consider putting postage on them next time.  Oh well, I wonder how he will play with that new kid from Cuba.  The one who no one can pronounce his name correctly, Cespedes, Yoenis Cespedes, yeah that’s him.  The thing with him is that he isn’t exactly a kid, he’s 26 years old.  So you have to wonder, how many years is that in real people time?  I figure he’s duping everyone by at least two years as that seems to be the average from all the other players who lied about their ages, minus of course Julio Franco, who might have been 50 when he signed his first contract for all we know.  Baseball doesn’t care how old you are but the A’s might want to know so they can void that contract they just signed you to.  Not that any team who has attendance problems would ever get rid of someone that might bring fans out.  It’s even better if he’s not really 26 because that will bring even more attention to Oakland.  Billy, you might have a gold mine here if you don’t trade him come July.


You might be able to sum up the whole Oakland A’€™s season just by looking at their Opening Day Starter, you guessed it!  It is Brandon McCarthy!  I knew you’ve been paying attention.  I’m not saying he’s a bad pitcher but if he pitched half as good as he Tweets then he might be in the Cy Young race.  I do enjoy his Tweets though.  And if I had to say that I had a soft spot for anyone in that rotation it would have to be Dallas Braden.  The first reason is that he’s from Stockton, CA and my last name happens to be Stockton and the other is that he had that whole spat with Alex Rodriguez a few years back.  Those two things combined make him an upstanding gentleman in my eyes.  Andrew Bailey is gone so who will close out games for you?  Heck, will your pitching even be half as good as it was in order to make “moneyball” work?  I think not.


Oakland Fans, you have a tough year ahead of you and I am not envious at all.  I wonder how many games you’ll win, I wonder how many games you’ll lose, I wonder how many games Manny plays and I wonder who would win a tweet off:  Brandon McCarthy, Dallas Braden, Brett Anderson or Coco Crisp or if the beautiful Taylor Hensley (who didn’t make the MLB Fan Cave and I’m not sure why) could out Tweet them all.  Too many questions, good luck Oakland, you’ll need it.

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