Boston Red Sox Clam Chowdah

By d.j. Stockton

Hey Boston, I’ve never had any clam chowdah or any tea from that tea party everyone still talks about but I have enjoyed watching your beloved Red Sox play and win those two World Series.  It made me jealous since your winless steak ended at 86 years while my beloved Cubs’ streak is still going strong at 104.  Things have changed for you.


Terry Francona is gone along with all the alleged things he allowed to happen as manager, you’d think that all would have been forgiven because of past successes, namely those two World Series, but apparently not.  In comes Bobby Valentine, I wonder if he brought that famous disguise he used after he had been thrown out of a game when he was manager of the Mets.  I wasn’t fooled and neither was the umpire.  I wonder if he got creativity points for it but I’m thinking not.  What was Bobby V’s first order of business when he got to town?  No, it wasn’t penciling out lineups for the upcoming season, it was banning alcohol from the clubhouse.  Can we say reactionary?  Maybe it needed to be done for the sake of the Red Sox but maybe it was done to further separate himself from the former manager.  Nonetheless, it was done and we will move on since this city is now dry.


There’s that new beautiful spring training stadium called Jet Blue Park, it mimics ole Fenway just enough to remind us that the season is only a few weeks away.  Gone are your team captain and that knuckleballer but no one seems to care as a new wave has come.  But Carl Crawford is hurt, if you don’t care you should and need to smack yourself because last year was a fluke and he will return to the player he was down in Tampa.  Other than that, you should be fine starting off the year.  Anchoring that lineup you have Adrian Gonzalez who might be in the running for the Triple Crown and most certainly for the MVP.  While he’s returning for just the first time, Dustin Pedroia, Jacoby Ellsbury and Kevin Youkilis return as team veterans.  Can Ellsbury duplicate that season from last year?  I highly doubt it but there is no reason he couldn’t steal 80 or more bases and hit about 15 homers, I’d take that and I’m sure you’ll take it also.  And what about Youkilis?  How many batting helmets will he break this year by slamming them down after poor contact?  Over/under is two.


Now I know there is one thing that every Red Sox fan is wondering, no, not how many letters are in this mystery player’s last name, but how will Jarrod Saltalamacchia fare as the number one catcher?  Maybe by the time you count the letters in his last name you will find out that his last name is really long and nothing about whether or not he makes it as a full time catcher.  Don’t call him “Salty” go the distance and the extra nine letters, call him Saltalamacchia.  But I’m sure all the pitchers on that staff won’t be calling him either but they have that right.  Unless of course it’s Daniel Bard who is transitioning to the rotation because he was throwing too hard in the bullpen, I heard the bullpen catchers were complaining.  So instead of him being the closer to replace Johnny Papelbon, it will be Andrew Bailey who has two first names, one that might even be considered a “dog’s name,” no offense to anyone named “Bailey” though, it’s a solid name for anything that has two or more legs.  Bailey, the pitcher, was good in Oakland but that’s Oakland. . . . Stay tuned for how he fares as closer in Boston which I’m sure he’ll do fine just don’t bet your clam chowdah over it because I will not reimburse you for that expense.


Boston, once again I will say that I’m jealous of you because of your World Series but we finally have one thing that you don’t, Theo Epstein.  Thank you and maybe one day it will be that fabled World Series of the Cubs verses the Red Sox but just not this year, for either of us.

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