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MLB San Francisco Giants

A Fictional Phone Conversation Between Melky Cabrera and Barry Bonds

Today it was announced that All-Star outfielder Melky Cabrera was being suspended for 50 games without pay for violating the leagues performance enhancing drug policy.

So what if…just what if…prior to his mandatory random drug screening, there had been a phone chat between the now suspended San Fransisco Giants outfielder Cabrera, and former Giants slugger Barry Bonds?  Would it have gone anything like this?

[blackbirdpie url="https://twitter.com/JeffSchultzAJC/status/235811881795862528"]


{Kelly Clarkson – Stronger, playing in background} {Phone Rings}

Barry Bonds: (excited) This is Barry.  Put me in coach, I’m ready!

Melky Cabrera: Naw Barry, this is Melky.

BB: (tone softens) Oh. What’s up Melkman?

MC: Man, I think I got troubles. The league office called me.  I have to go fill a cup man.  I dunno what I’m gonna do.  I thought if anybody could give me some advice, it’d be you.

BB: I’ve told you before Melky, don’t admit to nothing.  Just be silent.  Even if they can prove something, they can’t prove it.  TRUST me when I tell you that talking can be the worst thing you can do.

MC: I hadn’t said nothing, but I know when they run that test, it’s gonna come back bad.  Real bad.

BB: I don’t wanna know.  Just shut up. The less I know the better.  Just tell me this. What’s your relationship with Bud?

MC: Bud?

BB: Yeah..you know…Selig?


BB: Melky?

{awkward pause}

MC: (clears throat) ummm. Would it be a bad thing if he knew I was the one who broke into the dry storage room at last year’s league banquet, and cleaned out the Doritos and Ring Dings?

BB: Damn Melky.

MC: I couldn’t help it man. All they had on the tables was those little fishes and the crackers that taste like styrofoam.  I can’t live on that man.

BB: Ok, so having the commish in your corner is out.  How’s your lawyer?

MC: You gave me the number to yours, remember?

BB: Never mind.

MC: What?!

BB: That reminds me, I need to stop payment on…oh, anyway, it’s…um..soooo, when do you have to go?

MC: Tomorrow. 9am.

BB: That’s too soon for a flush and fill.  Can you postpone? Like, tell them you got immigration troubles or something?

MC: What?!

BB: Never mind.  I’m just thinking out loud dude.  Why’d they flag you anyway?  You’re not on pace to break any huge records or displace any beloved icons. It’s not like you’re a big star or something.

MC:  I’m hitting .346 with 159 total hits, 60 RBIs and 11 homers, and got voted in as an All-Star starter this year, where I won the MVP of the game.  Plus, I lost about 80 pounds of body fat

BB: Ok….and…?

MC: My lifetime average before this year was .276, I thought MVP was a wrestler, and people used to mistake me for Gabriel Iglesias

BB: Dude, you are soooo screwed.

MC: So what do I do man?

BB: Like I said.  Silence is golden.  They can’t catch you in a lie if you don’t speak.  Look, i gotta go.  I’m already late for work, and my orange jumpsuit is still in the dryer.  Tell you what, if I find one more crumpled up autographed photo of mine on the side of the road…

MC: Oops.  Sorry ’bout that

BB: What?!

MC: Never mind {click}