New Year’s Resolutions for Every MLB Team

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Auld Lang Syne


Happy 2013! I’m happy that I survived the apocalypse and make it to this point in time. I apologize; I forgot how unfunny every Mayan joke truly was. Anyways, 2013 is here, but the 2013 MLB season is still a long ways away. As a hardcore baseball fan, this is the time of year that really depresses me. The NFL playoffs are a weekend thing for a month, and after the Super Bowl is over, it’s the NBA regular season for two months. That should be enough to make anyone want to throw up.

Even though the season is months away, every team has some things they can improve and better themselves at. I know a lot of you have made your own personal resolutions for 2013. Odds are you will fall short of those resolutions in February, but hey, it’s the thought that counts. These teams might not even think of most of these resolutions, but it really would help them improve their squad.

Here are the 2013 New Year’s resolutions for every MLB team. I tried to have some fun with it, seeing as most of the hot stove has simmered after the winter meetings, so I hope you brought your sense of humor into the new year.

I hope everyone has a great year in 2013; because, sadly, a lot of these teams will not.

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Atlanta Braves

Daniel Shirey - USA TODAY Sports

With Craig Kimbrel dominating the world, it might be wise for the Atlanta Braves to sign him to an extension, buying out his every so important arbitration years. Closers are volatile, but Kimbrel is on another planet.

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Arizona Diamondbacks

Jennifer Stewart - USA TODAY Sports

The Arizona Diamondbacks need to figure out what they want to do with Justin Upton. This situation is turning into baseball's version of Dwight Howard.

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Baltimore Orioles

Anthony Gruppuso - USA TODAY Sports

Baltimore Orioles need to accept the fact they were the world's luckiest team last season. Any Orioles fan who has expectations heading into 2013 will sorely disappointed.

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Boston Red Sox

Debby Wong - USA TODAY Sports

Boston Red Sox should check into an addiction clinic or something. Just after they cleared the books of bad contracts, they add one some new ones. Shane Victorino, hello.

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Chicago Cubs

Jerry Lai - USA TODAY Sports

Chicago Cubs and their fans just need to relax. Theo and company laid down a foundation during the off-season, just be patient with it.

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Chicago White Sox

David Richard - USA TODAY Sports

How about signing someone other than Jeff Keppinger, eh? Seriously, anyone.

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Cincinnati Reds

Kelley L. Cox - USA TODAY Sports

Although they haven't said anything about the situation, the Reds shouldn't baby Aroldis Chapman. If he has a few bad starts, so be it. Let the growing pains happen with the transition, it will be worth it in the long run.

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Cleveland Indians

Rick Osentoski - USA TODAY Sports

They have Nick Swisher; ergo, they should know their 2013 will be awesome. Yes, I'm one of the 12 people who loves Nick Swisher. Don't hate.

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Colorado Rockies

Chris Humphreys - USA TODAY Sports

Buy a book titled "Pitching for Dummies".

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Detroit Tigers

Tim Fuller - USA TODAY Sports

For the love of everything holy, get a new closer!!!

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Houston Astros

Troy Taormina - USA TODAY Sports

What would a hopeless person do for a resolution? I honestly do not know. Just go out there and give your all, Houston.

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Kansas City Royals

Denny Medley - USA TODAY Sports

How about winning? The Kansas City Royals are finally a "contender" heading into 2013. Let's see how they live up to their expectations.

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Los Angeles Angels

Jim Cowsert - USA TODAY Sports

The Angels should extract DNA from Mike Trout, send it to the lab, and create a clone. I mean, it's 2013, that stuff can happen now.

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Los Angeles Dodgers

Gary A. Vasquez - USA TODAY Sports

It's pretty clear that the Dodgers should pay off the National Debt.

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Miami Marlins

David Richard - USA TODAY Sports

The Marlins should trade Giancarlo Stanton. His value is at an all-time high right now, and any team that is capable of making a big move would be all over him. There's no point in delaying the inevitable, not like he'd sign an extension there.

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Milwaukee Brewers

Benny Sieu - USA TODAY Sports

Milwaukee might want to consider improving on their pitching staff, ya know, the reason why they were one of the unluckiest teams in baseball last season.

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Minnesota Twins

Andrew Weber - USA TODAY Sports

The Twins' resolution is an easy one for me: stop booing Joe Mauer! Why do you Minnesota fans hate him? He was phenomenal last season.

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New York Mets

Brad Penner - USA TODAY Sports

Here's a simple resolution for Mets fan: show up

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New York Yankees

The Star-Ledger - USA TODAY Sports

This might be a difficult one to accomplish, but maybe Joe Girardi shouldn't take out David Robertson for Clay Rapada because Rapada's opponent's batting average against Will Middlebrooks is .002 points better than Robertson's. In shorter terms, don't over-analyze everything, Joe.

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Oakland Athletics

Rick Osentoski - USA Today Sports

The A's should keep feeding whatever they were giving Brandon Moss last season. He easily had one of the quietest, good seasons in recent memories. In fact, a lot of the A's players had really solid seasons. Heck, Josh Reddick (pictured) had one of the best WARs in the AL.

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Philadelphia Phillies

Steve Mitchell - USA TODAY Sports

Just when you think it wasn't possible for the Phillies to have another bad contract on their team, they acquire Michael Young. Their resolution should be smart GMing.

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Pittsburgh Pirates

Charles LeClaire - USA TODAY Sports

Finish over .500. Nothing more, nothing less.

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St. Louis Cardinals

Kelley L. Cox - USA TODAY Sports

The Cardinals' resolution should be to keep making careers out of nobodies, seeing as they are really, really good at that. Whether it's players coming out of no where or off of injuries, the Cards get the best possible production out of their guys.

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San Diego Padres

Christopher Hanewinckel - USA Today Sports

The Padres need to hide the PEDs from Yasmani Grandal. He's way too good to lose, especially when the Padres are on the brink of being a really solid team.

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San Francisco Giants

Kyle Terada - USA TODAY Sports


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Seattle Mariners

Steve Bisig - USA TODAY Sports

The Mariners should fire Jack Zduriencik. GMZ's philosophy has severely hurt the Mariners build a competitive team. However, moving in the fences should help the M's offensive ineptitude.

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Tampa Bay Rays

Kim Klement - USA TODAY Sports

Maybe Andrew Friedman's resolution is to not blatantly rob every team he does business with.

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Texas Rangers

Tim Heitman - USA TODAY Sports

The resolution for the Rangers is to remained focused. It might be a little weird for the Rangers and their fans at first, seeing that players like Josh Hamilton and Michael Young have left. Not only do they need to focus, but someone needs to step up and take over that locker room.

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Toronto Blue Jays

Tom Szczerbowksi - USA TODAY Sports

The Jays resolution should be win the World Series. If they win the World Series, it will make my epic prediction correct, although a lot more people have jumped on the bandwagon with the Dickey trade. Jays/Nationals World Series. Book it.

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Washington Nationals

Anthony Gruppuso - USA TODAY Sports

Here's an easy resolution for the Nationals to accomplish. When the season is still happening, pitch Stephen Strasburg. I think that's simple enough, right?