Shockingly, More Of MLB's Best Linked To PEDs (Because It Never Happens)

By Thom Tsang
Cary Edmondson-USA TODAY Sports

This was a day that truly nobody ever saw coming.

To the surprise of every baseball fan in the world, a report out of the Miami New Times has linked more of today’s MLB elite to performance-enhancing drugs, based on records from a anti-aging clinic in Miami kept by its chief, a man named Anthony Bosch.

I’ll spare you the details here; if you’re reading this, it’s likely the case that you are doubled over and potentially in hysterics from the shock of the news that, yes, your favorite player in baseball may not be playing cleanly.

That player might be Alex Rodriguez, Melky Cabrera, or Yasmani Grandal; wait, I know what you’re thinking, those guys are admitted PED users – Cabrera and Grandal were even punished by the league last season, so why can’t I stop all these tears?

Well, my friend, that’s because you know it’s only the beginning of the rabbit hole.

How about Texas Rangers slugger Nelson Cruz? Or everyone’s other favourite Washington Nationals ace Gio Gonzalez? And – gasp – et tu, Bartolo Colon? Not that guy who only pitched 257 innings over four years and was too overweight to step on the mound, only to have a career resurgence at age 38? Oh yeah, he was caught too. I totally did not see that one coming at all.

“Wow, just wow.” Peter, 29, from Minnesota said when told about this news. “I had no idea that there are athletes that took performance enhancing drugs in sports. You know, besides that whole wheelchair curling PED scandal in Sweden, anyway. I thought these guys were better, honestly.”

Allison, 31, from Austin, was equally surprised: “Simply unfathomable. I mean, I know there were at least five suspensions in the minor leagues, and at nine – well, ten if you include the Ryan Braun one – at the big league level all over the last three years, but to think that Gio might not be clean?”

She paused, perhaps for dramatic effect, and perhaps she didn’t know how else to describe her feelings on the sanctity of the game being completely destroyed.

“I don’t know if I can watch this game anymore.”

Never has those words been any more poignant. Yes, baseball fans, it’s time to rise up, and turn those tears into anger. This is the very darkest day that the league has ever seen. Never mind that nobody stopped watching during the first steroids era, when the game was at its height of popularity, nor did they stop watching when said era was revealed to the world in 2000s.

Be furious. Gather your friends, and march down to your local ballpark. Picket it until you get a verbal agreement that they pinkie swear their players won’t take any more illegal substances.

But most of all, turn off the TV when the game comes back. Just like we all did when Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds was taking PEDs. Just like we did after A-Rod and Andy Pettite admitted it, and just like we did when Ryan Braun, the league MVP, got out of his PED suspension on a technicality, and when Yasmani Grandal and Carlos Ruiz was suspended just months ago, etc.

Because now, everything good and whole about baseball – and professional sports – have been irreparably damaged.

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