MMA Technology Needs To Catch Up With Embarrassment Levels

By Luke Schmaltz
Tito Ortiz
Jon Kopaloff – Collection: Getty Images Sport

As the popularity of MMA continues to increase, so too does the intensity at which the sport is performed. Broken bones are becoming more and more common, as are other undesirable incidents of a more impulsive nature.

Cracked forearms from blocking kicks and snapped forelegs from throwing them are expected and accepted casualties of combat. Yet, the ongoing damage to the sport by what comes out of a fighter can be minimized by just a few simple inventions.

Lack of humility, blame game tactics, trash talking, and other refuse are degrading the sport and setting a bad example for kids. Science put a toy car on Mars, there’s no reason why it can’t come up with these innovations to, well, clean things up.

Invention No. 1: The Hubris Inhibitor

This would be an electromagnetic frequency directed at a fighter like a Star Trek stun gun. Just as they try to spew forth uninvited opinions like a post-fight Jason “Mayhem” Miller, the ray would stop them from opening their yap and triggering an unplanned brawl.

Invention No. 2: The Blame Blocker

This mixture of proteins, B vitamins and proprietary secrets would be administered through sports drinks used after a fight to re-hydrate the battle torn. The clarity provided by the nutrients will stop a fighter from blaming doctors for high testosterone levels like a post-fight Antonio Silva, or from blaming a “cracked skull” for their loss like a post-fight Tito Ortiz.

Invention No. 3: The Mockery Moderator

This is an enzyme within a fighter’s hand wraps or mouthpiece that is remotely activated by coaches once the trash talking has become counterproductive, or even downright embarrassing, like Frank Shamrock, who couldn’t shut up but still lost against Bas Rutten. This invention would help the loser’s corner, and the sport itself, save face.

Invention No. 4: Thuggies

The sheer terror of stepping into the cage with a trained killer is enough to make the average human lose control of their bowels. Yet, these highly trained athletes can sometime experience loss of control as well, resulting in a soiled situation and a brand of embarrassment that is entirely unnecessary. Just ask Kevin Randlemann or Kyle Wethey,who, in spite of it all, still won their respective fights, but would have no doubt killed for a pair of Thuggies. This invention could be made of Kevlar and elastic — lightweight, thin and tightly sealed so that a mid-fight explosion due to illness or a hefty kick to the midsection does not have to stop the event while the mop bucket is rolled out.

The sport of MMA is still evolving, and as new problems arise, it will be up to the innovative minds of the insiders to maximize the sport’s mass appeal by minimizing  the lowbrow detractors.

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