MMA Funny

UFC’s Chael Sonnen and Others have Options When they Retire: Trash Talking Coach

Chael Sonnen

Ethan Miller – Getty Images Sport

MMA fighters must learn striking, footwork, wrestling, Jiu Jitsu and cardio to be proficient. There is one skill that will soon be an utmost requirement for any contender: the ability to spit forth trash talking of the cruelest, most vociferous nature. UFC fighter Chael Sonnen may not hold a title belt, but he is the official, undisputed champion of flagrant mouthing off.

Hopeful young fighters who want to ramp up their profile and inspire fervor in other competitors can learn as much from Sonnen’s yammering as they can from his wrestling. Since he is a professional athlete who is dedicated to training, his skills are top notch. But since he never shuts his mouth, his trash talking is even more impressive than his fighting ability.

This is obviously going to be a huge market, so the Sonnen School of Rudeness and Bravado will only be able to handle the demands of the Pacific Northwest. The success of this school will quickly create voids in other MMA regional training hot spots.

Northern California can be handled by the Nick Diaz Institute of Word-slapping Slander and Disrespect, while southern California will be under the tutelage of the Tito Ortiz Conservatory of Instigation and Verbal Abuse.

Inland from the west coast around Reno, Nevada will be the Ken Shamrock Academy of Insulting, Intimidation and Belittlement, and to the south in Las Vegas the Frank Mir Foundation for Insolence and Dishonor will educate those who come to train in sin city. Across the pond in England, the mudslinging tradition will be taught at the Michael Bisping University of Bullying, Bollocks and Utter Abhorrence.

The women’s chapter of nasty non-chat will be based in Ortiz’s territory, but will divulge a special style of dispensing poison. The Ronda Rousey Foundation for Emotional Venom and Dialectic Hatred will turn female jocks into witches of bad words while south of the border, the Wanderlei Silva Guild for Undecipherable Damnations and Menacing Ultimatums will keep the Brazilian counterparts up to par.

Last but not least, east coast fighters will be learning the art of the ugly utterance at the Matt Senna Center for Character Assassination and Guttural Slurs in friendly ol’ New York City.

MMA has reached a new era of fireworks via linguistic friction. It will be ushered in by pioneers of the sport’s special brand of trash talking to an eager generation of  linguistic litterbugs. It is a tough trade that requires a poker face, a brick chin and a big, bad mouth.

Luke Schmaltz is a Combat Sports writer for Follow him on Twitter @lukeschmaltz, like him on Facebook or add him to your network on Google