UFC's Jon Jones Will Make the Jump to Heavyweight by Feasting on the Dignity of Alexander Gustafsson, Others

By Luke Schmaltz
Jon Jones
Tom Szczerbowski – USA TODAY Sports

After UFC light heavyweight Jon Jones has dehumanized, dismantled, humiliated and beaten every last drop of snot out of all contenders in his division, he will set his sights on the heavyweight title belt.

This will require Jones to put on a considerable amount of bulk to make weight for the division. Just as muscle weighs more than fat, a fighter’s pride is heavier than all fibers of sinew wrapped around his ever-so-mortal bones. Will Jones lap up protein shakes, shove chunks of meat into his mug and dip his mitts into the supplement fun jar? No, he will expand his physique and tip the scales past 240 pounds by consuming the dignity of vanquished opponents. Like a vacuum cleaner sucking up grit from the shag, Jones will inhale the shattered bits of MMA fighter self-respect scattered across the canvas.

Alexander Gustafsson‘s self-regard will make for a good breakfast while Daniel Cormier‘s self-worth will be a filling lunch. Come dinnertime, alas, Jones will gorge upon the heavyweight hubris of fighters like Cain Velasquez, Travis Browne and Fabricio Werdum.

Once Jones has vanquished all challengers in the heavyweight division, Dana White will be forced to create a new division for the wunderkind just as he created a women’s division for Ronda Rousey.

This new category with be the Man vs. Beast Division where Jones will set pay-per-view records while tearing the limbs off polar bears and elbowing chimpanzees in the face. He will mop up gorilla blood with an unconscious silverback’s fur and take on two tigers at once, bonking their heads together and knocking them out as they leap for his throat.

Jones will prove once and for all that he is the best pound-for-pound fighter in MMA, that there is no mammal on the planet that can out-fight him and that he can post whatever he darn well pleases on Instagram.

Luke Schmaltz is a Combat Sports writer for RantSports.com. Follow him on Twitter @lukeschmaltz, like him on Facebook or add him to your network on Google

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