Kentucky Wildcat Riots Would Have Been Worse in a Loss

By Ryan Wooden

The charred corpses of what was once prized living room furniture litters the streets of Lexington, Kentucky. Mistaken for some sort of religious rite, we, as a nation, have been burning things at colleges across the country for quite some time now and for a variety of reasons. Apparently we’re still not very good at it.

The Associated Press reported that there were 56 fire runs last night in Lexington in the immediate aftermath of the Kentucky Wildcats 67-59 national championship victory over the Kansas Jayhawks. This included a garage fire that almost certainly stemmed from some sort of sofa-cide. Countless other nuisance fires were allowed to burn:

A. Because it’s Kentucky, so who really cares?

B. Because there simply weren’t enough resources to deal with it.

Police were too busy with the dozens of reported arrests, hundreds of reported citations, a shooting, and the aforementioned garage fire. A moment of silence for all the puke-stained pieces of furniture we lost last night. We’ll always remember them for the time they spent housing drunken frat boys who were too inebriated to make it home.

The sad thing is, there was never going to be a scenario where Kentucky Wildcats fans didn’t riot last night. The pyromania was inevitable, and luckily for Lexington, the Wildcat victory prevented a far more unruly scenario. One that would have undoubtedly included MORE flipped/destroyed vehicles and probably millions of dollars in damage, a la Vancouver.

Kentucky’s eighth national championship kept spirits rather jovial, although Kentucky fans did get an early start on the destruction. Early in the second half, somebody drove their car into the side of the beer garden of Cheapside, a Lexington sports bar.

Is anybody really that surprised?

There are a lot of college towns that would have responded similarly, although I couldn’t imagine that sort of excess anywhere else in the country, save Morgantown and possibly Baton Rouge.

In other related news, Lexington also set an unofficially official world record for most people to ever beer-bong hard liquor to a Luther Vandross song. I guess the national championship wasn’t their only “One Shining Moment.”

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