NCAA Basketball

College Basketball: 3 Ways to Prep for Opening Week

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College Basketball: 3 Ways to Prep for Opening Week

Here we go

Don't worry college basketball fans the season is only a few days away. If you heeded my advice and used your time wisely waiting for college basketball with the "5 Ways to Holdover Until Opening Tip" program, time has flown by for you. It's not like we are knee-deep into the NFL or NCAAF schedule or anything. I can't even imagine what you poor souls have been doing waiting for the first slew of games to get underway. But, we need not worry, we've all made it as NBC Sports will be airing some games on Friday.

Now that we've all made it to opening day, the next important thing we need to do is focus on certain aspects of opening week. Sports networks are going to jam a billion(no lie, a billion) games down our throat the next week and we have to make sure our eyes are paying attention to the correct things.

The majority of BCS-teams are opening up with a few cupcake games while a few programs are going to test themselves. Trying to sift through which teams are going to be good early on will prove futile. It's hard to gauge the St. John's Red Storm when they're playing the infamous Club St. Pool Cleaners in their 3rd match-up.

That's why I'm here, to help you navigate the non-sense and focus on only what's REALLY important for the opening week of college hoops.

So here we are on this lovely day, going over "3 Prepping Tips for Opening Week of College Basketball". Because the games don't matter unless you're ready for them..

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Kill Grandma

Sick Days
Evan Habeeb-US PRESSWIRE 9/11/2012 12:38:24 PM

Starting November 13th at midnight, ESPN will be broadcasting games all day long. Hooray college basketball fans, boo the productive members of our society. If you have a real, full, or any kind of job that will prevent you from participating in these festivities, shame on you.

Every college basketball die-hard knows you need to plan these kind of events in advance. Hopefully you were smart enough to save up some vacation days, instead of wasting them on taking your significant other to the Olive Garden(you classy devil). And if you did that, you're in super-swell shape. Just put in those vacation days to your boss and make sure you note the reason "College basketball glutton". He will understand and certainly sign off on your paid time off.

Used up all your vacation days? No problem there either. Guess who just died for the 12th time this year...Grandma! The best go to excuse in the book. A close enough family member that you get time off but not so close that co-workers will feel the need to attend the fictional death of your Gram Gram.

If all of that fails, or you have a soul, you just need to quit. If you're reading this, it likely means you're not that successful anyway(I mean, who in their right mind reads the ramblings of a man wearing a yellow shirt with the number 4 on the back. Don't ask). I'm not trying to be a jerk but the chances of your occupation being your career is not that high.

I quit a job when I was in my early 20's so I could follow the World Cup. And look at me, I'm your favorite Rant Sports writer... Or you just accidentally hit on the link. Either way, I'll take it!

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Food and Fluids

Feed Me More
Mandatory Credit: Kirby Lee/Image of Sport-US PRESSWIRE

I need you to take a slow walk around your kitchen and check the supplies. Is there enough food and beverages to last twenty plus hours of college basketball in a row? Did you remember to pick up those adult diapers? These are the most important questions you will ever ask yourself.

Chances are you've been caught up in the world of football for the last few months. The chances of your kitchen being properly stocked is slim. But it's okay, I'm here to help you know what exactly you need to get by.

Make sure whatever you do there's enough beverage of choice in your fridge but absolutely no booze. As my AA mentor tells me, "booze dilutes the experience". And really, do you want to miss out on the Kentucky Wildcats playing the Holy Redeemer University of Hamburgers? Stock up on some Arizona Ice Tea or favorite brand of dark-colored soda. But please refrain from getting "energy" drinks. They have the same mind-changing effects alcohol has but without any of the rewards.

However, if you did quit your job, we at the "board of college basketball", grant you a pass to drink some adult beverages. But no driving and no drunk texting your girlfriend/boyfriend from the 10th grade asking if they want to hang out. They dumped you because you cared more about the Binghamton Bearcats than you did about their B+ in shop class. I highly doubt they want to watch college hoops with you and follow it up with a romp in a room of your choice.

As far as food goes, anything and everything is expected. Chips, pretzels, or any kind of snack food is key to surviving upset scares. For major eating times, such as lunch or dinner, just get delivery. All you have to be able to do is know how to move your finger 7 different places and have the smallest ability to communicate with whichever restaurant you choose to order from.

Quick summary of this section in case you feel overwhelmed. No booze unless you quit your job to watch the games, no drunk texting, stock snacks, and only order out for lunch/dinner. I meant everything I just told you in this segment of the article. Well except the drunk texting, as I've been known to break that rule. How did you think I got married...DUH.

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Banish Your Significant Other

Bye Bye

Get rid of your significant other. I don't care if you're even stupid enough to love the person, they need to go. Trust me, they don't love you enough to deal with you're unemployed, drunk, erratic-rear anymore than you want them to ask you how they look in the new $175 pair of jeans(Fat, they look fat. They wouldn't have asked if they were skinny to begin with).

You can trick them out of the house by treating them to a day at the spa or tickets to the movies. This all depends on what gender your significant other is but I'll leave that up to you. The price of a ticket to go see a crappy action movie or a day to get rubbed down by a strange man(Hey Leo), is surely worth whatever it costs to ensure your happiness at the homestead.

Listen, I'm not right about a lot of things. I don't know which direction is north(but really do you), how to properly groom my facial hair, or keep a steady job long enough to provide financial stability for my family. But I do know 1 thing better than anything else, how to make sure I'm happy. It's this great feature some of us enjoy called "Being Selfish". Sure it's considered a character flaw but that's only by people who are stupid enough to put other folks' happiness in front of their own.

However, if all of my advice seems to hard for you to follow there is a "Break Glass for Emergency" solution. It's the single most important thing a person will EVER tell you. Hey look, a Boy Meets World marathon, talk to you later.

Joe covers the Big East for Rant Sports and occasionally puts horrible satire pieces up. Follow Joe on Twitter @JosephNardone