NCAA Football

Picture: Roll Tide Championship Chicken

People are wired a bit differently in Alabama. Early in life they’re taught a version of the color spectrum that includes Houndstooth and Bear Bryant — God rest his soul — would be nominated for sainthood if the residents of Alabama had any idea what Catholicism was. (They’s awl just a buncha God-fearin’ Southern Baptis’ in that thur Yellerhammer State.)

All things Auburn and Alabama — but never both — reign supreme, and apparently that applies to their inherently Southern love of fried chicken. An Alabama grocery store sells frozen chicken branded as “Roll Tide Championship Chicken.” The picture is compliments of OKTC, and unfortunately it also comes compliments of the insufferable Clay Travis, but attribution is attribution I suppose.

The grocery store also apparently sells an Auburn version of their championship chicken, but as any Alabama fan would tell you the Auburn chicken is decidedly more bitter than the Alabama chicken.

Honestly, I can’t help but imagine that the tagline amounts to something like, “If Bear Bryant were alive, he would have eaten it, so you know it must be pretty damn good!”

It’s easy, and often justifiable, to pick on the fine residents of Alabama because, well, they’re from Alabama, but in all honesty the SEC in general seems to breed lunatics at a much higher rate than the vast majority of the country. I’ve always imagined that it had something to do with a tainted water supply.

If they made (insert SEC team here) branded chicken it would probably sell like hot cakes, and if they made (insert SEC team here) branded hot cakes then I’m pretty sure it would seem like someone tried taking the childhood obesity rate in the South (which is considerably higher than it is everywhere else in the country) and dividing by zero. However, I’ll take every single one of these severely overweight, frequently drunk, and even more frequently shirtless hillbillies over some West Coast yuppie any day.

Amen.