Here’s the bad news: on the completion of this week’s games, the college football season is a quarter to its conclusion. The good news? A ridiculously entertaining set of matchups and nine more weeks of Saturday debauchery.
September 13th (Thursday)
Rutgers at South Florida
Kyle Flood spoke like a new head coach at Big East Media Days, proclaiming the Scarlet Knights ready to win championships. For reasons that only make sense to Dr. Lou, Skip Holtz’s Bulls, located in a recruiting hot bed, have yet to thoroughly dominate a conference slate. Odds are high I’m asleep in the third quarter.
September 14th (Friday)
Washington State at UNLV
Mike Leach is loose in Las Vegas with a trips formation for luck at the craps table and an escort named “Helga” on his arm. Bad news for the Rebels.
September 15th (Saturday)
Wake Forest at Florida State
The Seminoles are 2-4 in the last six years against the Demon Deacons. Some men (Jim Grobe) just want to watch the world burn.
Arkansas State at Nebraska
Gus Malzahn’s fast-paced offense against Bo Pelini’s suffocating defense. If a cheetah could throw and bears weren’t so tight in the hips, the animal kingdom…nevermind, that was going nowhere.
California at Ohio State
Jeff Tedford’s days as a quarterback guru had to die with Kyle Boller, right? Urban Meyer unleashes Braxton Miller in the air and on the ground while College Football Live inserts the Buckeyes as 2013 national title favorites in September 2012 because, you know, no one remembers that stuff.
Virginia Tech at Pittsburgh
Future ACC foes battle in one of the better non-conference tilts. Pitt probably sits somewhere among South Florida and behind Louisville in the Big East pecking order and the Hokies are presumptive favorites in the Coastal. Let’s just pray Bane passes on this game, last time he was in Heinz Field, it wasn’t pretty.
TCU at Kansas
The Big 12 welcomes TCU to the conference with a sizzling matchup in Lawrence. Following the blowout, Charlie Weis has generously offered to satiate the Horned Frog munchies by treating them to Golden Corral.
Connecticut at Maryland
Randy Edsall, in the span of twelve calendar months, vaulted from respectable tactician to disciplinarian, ten loss, asshole. Should the Terrapins offensive line avoid transferring five minutes in, color me surprised.
Alabama at Arkansas
Here we go. The SEC West showdown in Fayetteville provides John L. Smith with a public interview to keep the permanent Razorbacks job while Tyler Wilson simply wants to be able to walk Monday. If Arkansas notches an upset, there’s a Roll Tide human sacrifice in order and maybe Jessica Dorrell ought to lay low.
Virginia at Georgia Tech
Mike London and Paul Johnson plan to stare at each other icily from the sidelines as their teams engage in vicious warfare resulting in a 6-3 final.
North Carolina at Louisville
Charlie Strong and Larry Fedora both earned mentions for the vacant Texas A&M job this past winter. UNC’s academic scandal figures to get worse, Strong might not be in Kentucky long if he continues his elevation of the Cardinals.
Navy at Penn State
Go Navy, Beat Pervy.
Texas A&M at Southern Methodist
Garrett Gilbert takes another crack at the Aggies. Either fresh off a victory over Florida or down from a tough loss, SMU is a potential trap for Texas A&M. Well, that is if the guy under center on the opposing team doesn’t throw it to the maroon jerseys.
East Carolina at Southern Miss
Just a good ‘ole fashion Conference USA slobberknocker.
Florida International at Central Florida
George O’Leary and UCF saw NCAA sanctions erase their postseason eligibility. Mario Cristobal is aiming for the highest-profile bowl the Panthers have ever reached. Slightly divergent paths for these two coaches.
Florida at Tennessee
Derek Dooley really needs this win, guys. If he doesn’t get it, Peyton Manning already challenged him to a wrestling match in the new Volunteers MMA cage. Will Muschamp asked the Tennessee AD if he could warm up there but was denied.
Arizona State at Missouri
Todd Graham coaching against Gary Pinkel. Sit your kids down and let ‘em listen to a couple of role models explain the nuance of graduating college with some dignity.
West Virginia – James Madision (FedEx Field)
James Madison knocked off Virginia Tech in 2010. The Mountaineers are one Holgorsen hangover away from replicating the dismal 2011 loss to Syracuse that has been seemingly forgotten in the aftermath of the Orange Bowl.
USC at Stanford
The revamped Cardinal offensive line receives an early test on par with the MCAT in the Trojans’ front seven. Matt Barkley will light torches in the Stanford secondary and Silas Redd’s Pac 12 initiation includes a smattering of questions, “wait, are all these hot girls different people? Like there’s more than seven?”
Idaho at LSU
This is included for the sole reason of hoping a sign or two from Baton Rouge makes it to the Internet. “You-da-ho” or some variation of it offers far too much material to college kids.
Notre Dame at Michigan State
Mark Dantonio’s Game Plan: Flea-flicker, halfback pass, Annexation of Puerto Rico, fake punt. Brian Kelly’s diagnosis: Red Fever.
Texas at Ole Miss
When this game was scheduled, Houston Nutt had the Rebels winning Cotton Bowls. Now, Hugh Freeze is pulling offers to recruits and David Ash is causing heart attacks in Austin with his hamstrings. It’s SEC v. Big 12, sundresses in the Grove and lots of rushing yards. God would take a rest on Creation to enjoy this one.
BYU at Utah
Kyle Whittingham’s Utes made the Holy War a “Holy Sh*t, this is an annihilation” battle last season. Losing by 44 won’t sit well with the BYU faithful and the pressure is the Cougars to make Mitt Romney proud. “Score a home run, guys!” – MittRomedy
Houston at UCLA
The Cougars beat the Bruins in 2011. Kevin Sumlin and Case Keenum don’t return for the rematch so fans of UH had better settle for the fantastic Rose Bowl area, Brookside Golf Club tailgating. Seriously, it’s the best venue in the country to watch college football.