Big 12 hierarchy after the initial weekend. Rankings are subjective based on what I find funny. It’s science.
1. West Virginia
A shellacking of Marshall confirmed all of what we already knew about the Mountaineers. They run an offense with the game to snag Kate Upton, the defense lets opposing athletes plow through like a Kardashian and Dana Holgorsen couldn’t give two shakes of a martini about any of your conclusions.
2. Oklahoma State
Eighty-plus points against this place called Savannah simply hoping for statehood. I know the Oklahoman way was built on land thieving but the annihilation seems a bit much. In all seriousness, good on Gundy yanking starters in the first quarter.
3. Kansas State
Did Bill Snyder’s Wildcats begin 2012 with an FCS opponent? Is Jack Nicholson in Anger Management Brian Kelly’s role model?
Only one team on this list had the luxury of facing a team quarterbacked by Garrett Gilbert. Lucky for them, he’s still saving that 5-star talent for a significant matchup. Nick Florence throws a serviceable deep ball against Conference USA defenses.
Malcolm Brown and Joe Bergeron ran for 100 yards each, asked to play cornerback, fought over the last piece of shrimp and generally wondered why Wyoming didn’t bring two of everything. I’ve henceforth decided the Longhorn backfield is know as Noah’s Ark.
So yeah, you can’t struggle in El Paso unless there’s cocaine money at stake. In that case, avoid the airports, place a vest on Bob Stoops and hope that the show, Locked Up Abroad doesn’t use an actor fatter than you.
7. Iowa State
A win on opening weekend satiated the rabid Cyclones but let’s not act like they weren’t looking ahead to the Iowa bye week. I mean, Greg Davis coordinates that offense. Pop in a tape of Texas’ 2010 season and install the defensive game plan Friday afternoon during happy hour.
8. Texas Tech
It’s hard to believe Tommy Tuberville won’t lose his job before the other major Lubbock head coach, Billy Clyde Gillispie. Wins over Northwestern State help and not being a drunk prick who maliciously harms his own players in an effort to get his rocks off also aid the cause.
Look at that. Just look at it. Son, that’s a Super Bowl championship ring from the year I coached Tom Brady. Heard of him? I thought so. Well come to Lawrence and I’ll make you sixteen times the man Brady ever was and half the man I am.
If the Horned Frogs aren’t even contributing to the undefeated conference record one year in, I’m sure the Big East is willing to boot Houston and re-invite them. I had no idea Gary Patterson earned over $3 million annually. That buys a lot of Pineapple Express.