After four weeks of relatively slow activity — especially the speed of Jessamen Dunker‘s moped — things picked up with the hotness during Week Five of the Honey Badger Award for Extracurricular Excellence race.
Literally just after we posted the Week Four standings, Washington State Cougars wide receiver Drew Loftus gave us the week’s most entertaining arrest. Loftus allegedly attempted to steal a few bottles of supermarket-grade tequila from a Pullman grocery store by sticking the bottles down los pantelones. Not an advisable strategy.
A more, er, sobering arrest was that of Texas A&M Aggies defensive linemen Kirby Ennis who added our second gun charge arrest to the board so far this off-season after being arrested by College Station police for disorderly conduct and public display of a firearm on February 1st.
As always, where there are Aggies, there are Longhorns. Texas Longhorns backup QB Connor Brewer was also arrested last week for minor in possession of alcohol on the Forty Acres. To be arrested for public intox on the Forty Acres you have to be a total bumbling moron — considering most everyone is in some state of intoxication at night — but I digress.
Adding to the more severe offenses this week, are the pending charges against USC Trojans tight end Junior Pomee of burglary, grand theft and possession of stolen goods. Pomee was arrested near campus on January 29th for theft of an IPad and other Apple accessories from a dorm room.
Not to be outdone, the ol’ Mary Jane made its presence felt once again as things wrapped up this week. Florida Gators cornerback Loucheiz Purifoy — pronounced Lew Chez — like the Czech gangster from around the corner– and Florida International backup defensive lineman Prince Matt — yes, seriously — were both hit with pot possession charges in the past few days.
Smoke em’ if you got em.
Here are the standings after a wild and wacky week five with Wazzu and Flawda sharing the lead:
HONEY BADGER AWARD FOR EXTRACURRICULAR EXCELLENCE – WEEK FIVE TEAM OFFENSES SCORE FLORIDA GATORS JESSAMEN DUNKER GRAND THEFT MOPED! 2 LEW CHEZ PURIFOY WIT THA MARY JANE WASHINGTON STATE COUGARS LEON BROOKS GARDEN VARIETY DUI 2 DREW LOFTUS PANTSING TEQUILA FLORIDA INTERNATIONAL PANTHERS PRINCE MATT REEFER TIME 1 FLORIDA STATE SEMINOLES JAMES WILDER FAILURE TO APPEAR 1 KANSAS JAYHAWKS BEN HEENEY BATTERING BOUNCERS 1 KENTUCKY WILDCATS T.J. JONES WEAPONS CHARGE 1 TEXAS LONGHORNS CONNOR BREWER DORM ROOM MIP 1 TEXAS A&M AGGIES KIRBY ENNIS GUN CHARGE 1 USC TROJANS JUNIOR POMEE GRAND THEFT APPLE! 1 TOTAL EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITY 11
Come back and pay us a visit every Friday in the off-season through August 1st as we track the collective idiocy of the country’s gridiron greats!