If Life Were Like a College Football Game

By Mike Atkinson
Joshua S. Kelly-USA TODAY Sports

Do you ever wish you could take parts of your everyday life and make them more like college football? College football offers us screaming fans, rabid tailgates, delicious grilled food, excitement and entertainment, while life itself offers us dreary Monday mornings in the office, long, boring meetings, rude people and busyness.

So I started thinking, what if life could be more like a college football game? I’ve spent quite some time pondering this idea and decided I would give my best shot at describing what life would be like, were it more like the sport we all love. It’s not perfect, but I hope it will brighten your day a bit.

As you wake up in the morning, you are greeted by a marching band, which plays your own personal fight song as you climb out of bed and try to wake up. As you head into the bathroom and begin preparing for the day, more than 60,000 people would be waiting for you outside, cheering and screaming your name.

This all sounds exciting, but there would be negatives as well. See, as you are in the shower, you pick up your shower gel and prepare to clean, but wait! You drop the shower gel. Now, a referee will stall your shower for the next 15 minutes to determine if you actually dropped it or not.

Following your shower blooper, the ref determines that you did in fact fumble the shower gel, but made an immediate recovery, and allows you to continue with your shower. As you start to finish your shower, the referee interrupts you again, stalling even longer, before telling you that your bathroom clock should read 6:34 a.m.

So finally, you make it out of the shower. You get dressed, in jeans, a jersey and a baseball cap. You head to work, which of course is a massive tailgate. You are paid to grill burgers and hot dogs with your buddies! What a job that would be!

While at work, you are in the midst of grilling the perfect hot dog and hamburger. You have spent the last ten minutes building this beautiful masterpiece, when all of the sudden, a gust of wind blows and knocks your baseball cap off of your head. No worries though, you just pick it up and begin to grill again, right?

Not so fast, my friend! The referee returns to tell you that since your hat fell off, you must abandon your perfectly construed hot dog and hamburger and put it in the hands of the next best cook on the job.

As you step away from the grill, you watch your friend ruin the burger you just spent so much time building and wonder why there are such stupid rules in place.

Following the lost cap incident, you are allowed to return to the grill once again. You return and put together one of the most amazing burgers of all-time, and everyone on the job goes crazy! Cannons are fired, cheerleaders gather to shout chants of praise and your own personal mascot begins to do the cabbage patch dance.

After work, you must return home. You walk home with several of your co-workers, who are as excited to talk about work as you are. The few of you merrily trot off to your individual houses, where all sorts of expensive objects await you, all of which were obtained legally, having nothing to do with where you chose to cook burgers.

As you get home and the sun sets, you head to bed, calmly running through the day in your head, remembering the day when everything was as fun as the game of football itself.

Follow Mike on Twitter at @MikeAtkinsonRS or visit his Rant Sports Author Page.

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