As the Honey Badger Award for Extracurricular Excellence race enters week 12, we thought it was time to spruce things up some and add our new scoring system. I know you’re all on the edge of your seats.
Any offenses related to bodily harm, theft, or violence are worth three points, because in the grand scheme of things, these three acts are three times as stupid as anything else a college football player could do.
Any offenses that are alcohol related, but, um, more “creative” than just garden variety DUIs are worth two points. Garden-variety DUIs (which have basically become a weekly phenomenon) and other general shenanigans are worth one point.
We have two new entries this week — both that will “help” their respective schools move their way up the leaderboard. First off is the arrest of Penn State Nittany Lions 2013 recruit (yes, we’re counting that, it’s 2013) Zayd Issah. Issah was arrested for his alleged role in a counterfeit money scheme after attempting to use counterfeit bills at a McDonald’s in Susquehannah Township on March 9th.
Weak effort Zayd, weak. At least get busted using fake lettuce on something that will be worth the story. Big Macs? Nah, man, nah.
The second update of the week is the all-out brawl between football players from an HBAEE mainstay, the Washington State Cougars, and the Idaho Vandals. Players from both teams were evidently at a party where a verbal altercation exploded into a fight outside in a church parking lot where Cougars wideout Mansel Simmons was knocked out cold and fractured his skull.
No arrests have been made as of yet, but we’ll file this one under general stupidity involving violence for both teams — three points a side in the bank. Mike Leach should be really proud of the effort his boys are giving off the field so far in 2013– setting the bar high.
Here’s the updated list with our new entrants and the revised scoring system for Week 12– still, still Rooooolll Tiiiide:
|Alabama Crimson Tide||12||Four Man Assault for Snacks|
|Washington State Cougars||7||Pullman Party Shenanigans Including Cracked Skulls
Drew Loftus Pantsing Tequila
Leon Brooks DUI
|Syracuse Orange||6||Markus Pierce-Brewester & Davon Wells Electronics Fetish|
|Texas Longhorns||5||Cayleb Jones Cracking Jaws
Connor Brewer Dorm Room MIP
|Florida Gators||4||Jessamen Dunker Grand Theft Moped
Louchiez Purifoy Pot Possession
|Penn State Nittany Lions||4||Zayd Issah Fake Lettuce for BigMacs
Akeel Lynch Criminal Mischief
|West Virginia Mountaineers||4||Karl Joseph Domestic Violence
Travis Bell DWI
|Colorado Buffaloes||3||Samson Kafovalu MIC & Other Bad Decisions|
|Kansas Jayhawks||3||Ben Heeney Battering Bouncers|
|USC Trojans||3||Junior Pomee Grand Theft Apple Products|
|Utah Utes||3||Niasi Leota Extreme Domestic Violence|
|Georgia Bulldogs||2||Ty Flournoy-Smith Reporting False Crime|
|Tennessee State Titans||2||Mike German / Joe Johnson Dance Party!|
|Texas A&M Aggies||2||Kirby Ennis Gun Charge|
|Arkansas Razorbacks||1||Austin Flynn DWI|
|Florida International Panthers||1||Prince Matt Pot Possession|
|Florida State Seminoles||1||James Wilder Failure to Appear|
|North Carolina State Wolfpack||1||Logan Winkles DUI|
|Ole Miss Rebels||1||Philander Moore Living Up to His Name|
|Utah State Aggies||1||Jake Doughty’s Love Affair With Substances|
|Washington Huskies||1||Austin Sefarian-Jenkins One Man Car Accident|
* 3 points for each arrest which involves bodily harm or theft.
* 2 points for alcohol-related offenses that aren’t DUIs or non-theft arrests.
* 1 point for garden-variety DUIs and other miscellaneous low-level shenangians.
Join us next week as the fun continues!