Auburn Will Defeat Florida State With Help From Luck, Destiny, Chance, Santa
Step-By-Step Look at Auburn's Divine Victory
There is something special, nay supernatural, about the 2013 Auburn football team. That, no one can deny. The Tigers represent the most improbable BCS National Championship Game participant since, well, ever. And there are several good reasons for that.
It’s not that the Tigers have an excellent offensive line, which they do. It certainly couldn’t be a result of having college football’s best QB-RB rushing duo in Nick Marshall and Tre Mason, which they have. You'd be stupid to think the Tigers’ opportunistic defense has contributed to any of the team’s 12 wins, which they have. And there’s no way Gus Malzahn, named coach of the year by multiple entities, deserves any credit for Auburn’s magical turnaround, which he does.
No. To say that Auburn won the SEC title and earned a shot at the national title based on its own talent and coaching is just too much for some to swallow. And for good reason – the Tigers are enjoying success that is more a result of forces beyond their control than the product of their efforts, in much the same way Benjamin Franklin is wrongly credited with “discovering” electricity. Sure, Franklin tied the key to the string and flew the kite, but fate had a hand in the final outcome.
Considering such miracles as the last-second comeback against Mississippi State, the “Prayer in Jordan-Hare” against Georgia and “Kick Bama Kick,” why on Earth would Auburn even consider playing No. 1 Florida State straight up in a normal football game devoid of the supernatural?
Even the Tigers’ mascot, Aubie (pictured), has joined the ranks of the divine by dressing like an angel these days. And for good reason.
I mean, there is absolutely no reason to think the Tigers will win the national title, right?
Wrong! We’ve seen into the future, and guess what? The Auburn Tigers do beat FSU. And they do it in true 2013 Auburn form – with the help of Karma, Luck, Destiny, Chance and even Santa Claus.
Here is an incomprehensible step-by-step description of how.
Santa Snubs Seminoles
By late Christmas morning, we learn that Ol’ Saint Nick, despite his usual attire, is an avid Auburn fan, meaning by default he absolutely despises Florida State. To show his disdain for the Noles, Santa refused to deliver gifts to any of FSU’s players or coaches. Half of Florida State’s players are unable to make the trip to Pasadena because they’re put on restrictions when their parents found out they didn’t make Santa’s “Nice” list.
Gus Malzahn took his coaches and players – all of whom received gifts from Santa – on a religious pilgrimage to South Bend, Indiana the day after Christmas. The Auburn Tigers were spotted praying to Notre Dame’s The Word of Life mural, otherwise known as “Touchdown Jesus,” and leaving offerings in the reflection pool. Hey, believing your side carries a divine flag never hurt anyone – except for the millions of people who died during the religious conflicts of the Crusades.
Bodda Getta Bishop
Because Auburn University now operates under the authority of the Holy Roman Catholic Church, all prayers and wishes made in South Bend are immediately granted without question. Well, except for QB Nick Marshall’s request to be able to throw a football farther than 35 yards in the air.
Caught Up in Karma
Florida State’s star quarterback Jameis Winston is suspended for the national title game after his alleged involvement in what head coach Jimbo Fisher describes as a “regrettable situation” that unfolded at East Hollywood’s Karma Lounge just days before the game. Why Winston was hanging out at this self-described “Clandestine Gem” is anyone’s guess. What is certain is that Auburn’s unbelievable karma has struck again, and just when the Tigers couldn’t possibly need it more, no less.
As usual, Auburn’s luck strikes early in the game as the Tigers score first on a long touchdown run. What’s unusual about this lucky strike is the fact that none of Auburn’s leading rushers were credited with the TD. So who was? Glad you asked. In a bizarre ruling by the NCAA, Utah running back Lucky Radley was allowed to transfer to Auburn before the game because his name was deemed fit only for the Tigers' roster. NCAA President Mark Emmert and Gus Malzahn agreed it was the right move, considering so many critics around the country attributed Auburn’s season to luck. It only seemed fitting that their unstoppable rushing attack be characterized “Lucky” as well.
Jesus Afflicted with Dropsy
In the Bible, Luke 14:1-6, Jesus is said to have cured a man with dropsy at the house of a prominent Pharisee on the Sabbath. In the BCS title game, however, FSU wideout Jesus Wilson contracts the horrible disease and at the worst possible time. Wilson broke free on a deep fly route late in the third quarter only to have the perfectly thrown pass deflect off his useless hands and hit the turf. Reminder: Don’t forget to wear garnet and gold for Dropsy Awareness Month, now celebrated every January in every U.S. city not named Tallahassee.
A Chance Occureth
Clinging to a six-point lead, Florida State was faced with a third-and-goal from the one-yard line midway through the fourth quarter. In one of the most brutal games ever played in the trenches, Auburn had lost nine defensive linemen by this point in the game. But the Tigers didn’t leave anything up to chance on this crucial play -- or did they. Thanks to an unprecedented move by the NCAA, Auburn was allowed to draft replacement defensive linemen from other FBS teams. One of those draftees was Northwestern D-lineman Chance Carter, who stuffed FSU running back James Wilder Jr. outside of the end zone, keeping Auburn’s hopes alive.
Can’t Overcome Destiny
Unfortunately for Auburn, Chance Carter was injured on that critical third-down stop so the Tigers had to draft and bring in another defensive lineman on Gus Malzahn’s magic teleportation big yellow bus. This time, the Tigers brought in Washington State’s Destiny Vaeoa. And the rest was history. Destiny held the line on a fourth-down goal-line stand to set the stage for the greatest, and most unpredictable, ending in BCS title game history.
Luck Wins the Day
Auburn found itself sitting at its own 25-yard line and down six points with three seconds remaining. The entire Tigers’ sideline should have been in complete disbelief and despair, considering QB Nick Marshall can’t throw the football farther than 35 yards. But they weren’t rattled. They weren’t concerned in the least. In fact, the Auburn Tigers were downright giddy with this circumstance. In yet one more shocking favor granted to Auburn by Mark Emmert and the NCAA, Indianapolis Colts QB Andrew Luck was given one play of eligibility to come in and launch a 75-yard Hail Mary into the end zone. As we all know, Sammie Coates went up and snatched the ball away from five FSU defenders and Auburn added the extra point to clinch the national title.
An Empty Offering to the Gods
Despite the Seminoles’ best efforts to sway fate back to their sideline, the result is final. No amount of animal sacrifices or other offerings can reverse the result. The Tigers have won the national title, and Florida State is forced to bear witness to Auburn's miraculous experience. The end.