So I was watching Jurassic Park on Encore last night, and besides wanting to full-out scissor kick William H. Masey in the ribs, I realized something else, something very fascinating: Miami Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder looks like a velociraptor.
You know, those stealth little creatures that hopped out of the brush and ate everyone? Yeah…..try and tell me you don’t believe in evolution NOW:
Then I started thinking about all the other attributes and how these two creatures compare–the tenacious personality, immense agility and the burning hunger for Buffalo Bills. And that’s when it hit me: Channing Crowder IS a velociraptor. Here’s the theory I’ve come up with:
-Velociraptors, or “Speedy Thieves,” were ruthless, carnivorous dinosaurs that existed in the Cretaceus Period about 85-million years ago.
With their extremely sharp teeth, aggressive nature and proficient hunting skills, velociraptors were masters of their domain and they feasted on small lizards and medium-sized hadrosaurids (duckbills).
-Furthermore, Channing Crowder, aka “Clam Crowder,” is a ruthless, predatory linebacker that currently plays for the Miami Dolphins, an NFL career that’s been in existence for five years.
With his dangerously sharp tongue, cat-like agility and killer instincts, Crowder is feared by opposing running backs and he feasts on New England Patriots and Rex Ryan’s leftovers.
Given all these scientific variables, plus the utilization of the transitive property, I have therefore concluded the two are one in the same. So, if you’re reading this Rex, you better put down that Philly cheese steak and look….
Because that’s what velociraptors do! They sneak up into your house and eat all your babies.
And by house I mean the Meadowlands…
…and by babies…
I mean Mark Sanchez.