49ers in heated talks with ex. figure skater, ex. con, Tonya Harding

The San Francisco 49ers have been monitoring the ‘ebbs and flows’ of the numerous NFL opinions—to the absolute letter. Not a single opinion has passed through without their extensive scrutiny …

Now, for public viewing, is the synonymous, numerous, NFL opinions —condensed into a single sentence. They say, not me, “Drew Brees of the New Orleans Saints can’t be stopped?”

Yep. That’s what they say. And now, this just in! The San Francisco 49ers, at an undisclosed location, have been in ‘heated talks’ with ex. con, ex. figure skater, Tonya Harding.

Remember, she came onto the figure skating world wielding a pipe-wrench, tying to smash her way to the top. It was a novel approach, especially in the figure skating world,

But, this strategy failed her. She failed to win, and she even failed to knock her main rival, Nancy Kerrigan, out of the competition. So … at this ‘undisclosed-location’, I’m left questioning the Niners judgment.

You see, if I was a Niners insider, I’d be testing her evolution as a pipe-wielding-figure-skating —thug. I’d turn on the bright lights, question, and then re-test whether her skills are able to transfer to the NFL. If so, I’d develop a detailed strategy, with a possible attack upon Drew Brees’s throwing arm … but I wonder …

What would you do?

The End


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    • timepstein

      It’s a collision in the sports world: Football on the ice?!?

  • skatefan

    “Remember, she came onto the figure skating world wielding a pipe-wrench, tying to smash her way to the top.”

    As this never happened, no, I do not remember it. Tonya Harding was not physically involved in the attack, and there was also no pipe-wrench involved. Additionally, Tonya Harding was already an established elite skater at the time of the attack on Nancy Kerrigan, with national and world medals to her name.

    “She failed to win, and she even failed to knock her main rival, Nancy Kerrigan, out of the competition.”

    Actually, Harding did win (USFSA later stripped stripped her of that title), and Kerrigan did have to withdraw from that particular competition (1994 national championships).

    Perhaps before you try to make witty jokes you might want to at least read the subject’s wikipedia page.

    • timepstein

      Thanks for the correction on my 49ers-Sports-Satire-Piece.