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How to Enjoy the Super Bowl Even If Your Team Isn’t Playing

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How to Enjoy the Super Bowl Even If Your Team Isn't Playing

super bowl
Derick E. Hingle - USA Today Sports

I just can’t make myself excited for this year’s Super Bowl. The sting of my team being eliminated is too fresh. There’s nothing I like about either the Baltimore Ravens or the San Francisco 49ers. In fact, I’m really just hoping for some wild, one-in sixty-billion occurrence that could lead to both teams losing. No, I don’t even want a tie - I want them both to lose. Since I can’t pin all my hopes on that, I have to find something else to keep me interested in this game.

So let’s have a little fun. It seems a little irresponsible for me to encourage excessive drinking through a drinking game, so I’ll mix it up a bit. Instead of drinking, you can do something just as bad for you and guaranteed to make you as sick - or much sicker - than alcohol: eating candy corn.

Every time one of these occurrences happens, you have to eat the required number of candy corn. (Disclaimer: I will not be participating, as I have not eaten candy corn since the fourth grade, when I ate two bags of candy corn in one sitting and threw up for the next two days straight. I get queasy just typing “candy corn.”)

Because I do not want to be responsible for orange-food-dye-related illnesses, I will exclude the following phrases:

-The “Harbowl” or any such Harbaugh-Super Bowl related cleverness.

-References to Jack and Jackie Harbaugh and how difficult it must be for them to watch the game.

-“This young man is special” in reference to Colin Kaepernick.

-Any time Ray Lewis is shown screaming wildly in pregame warmups or huddles.

-References to Jim Harbaugh’s “gamble” or “risk” in starting Kaepernick over Alex Smith “paying off.”

You’re welcome. Click through at the top of the page for the rules to enjoying the Super Bowl even if your team isn’t in it:

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Every time Joe Flacco is called “elite.”

Chris Humphreys - USA Today Sports

Just because he made it to the Super Bowl doesn’t make him elite. I like Joe Flacco; I think he’s handled his lot in life rather well, considering all the guff he takes. He’s a good quarterback, but I can’t think of anyone in the country who would take him over Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers, Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, or even Ben Roethlisberger. But since arbitrarily categorizing quarterbacks seems to be a favorite pastime of announcers, you’ll definitely hear the announcers pretending to think Flacco is elite and stringing together unconvincing arguments.

Eat three candy corn every time “Flacco” and “elite” are used in the same sentence.

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Every time commissioner Roger Goodell is shown pretending not to hear the boos.

Steve Mitchell - USA Today Sports

Welcome to New Orleans, Roger! I hope he’s been practicing his blissful, David Stern-esque smile.

Eat five candy corn every time Goodell is shown. Eat an additional five if the screenshot is accompanied by an awkward silence as the announcers try to avoid mentioning the league’s embarrassment over the handling of Bountygate.

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Every time they talk about “physicality” of the teams.

Mitch Stringer - USA Today Sports

Announcers can’t get enough of this stuff. They’ll go on and on about how “defense really does win championships” and “this is what football is all about!” I am expecting multiple panegyrics on the glory days of football despite the overwhelmingly obvious fact that the NFL is an offensive league and will only continue to be more so.

Eat just two candy corn for each reference - I’m not trying to kill you.

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If they reference Ray Lewis' first career sack by the end of the first quarter.

Kirby Lee - USA Today Sports

You’ll never guess who Ray Lewis’ first career sack was against! You may have heard it 16 or 17 times in the last week, but I’ll tell you again - Jim Harbaugh! This actually is a cool, coincidental tidbit, but you’ll get sick of hearing it before February 3rd, I promise you.

If this is said before the end of the first quarter - eat up! Down an entire handful and just be grateful that I didn’t make this one for every time Lewis’ retirement is mentioned.

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Every time the cameras show Alex Smith trying to remain stoic on the sidelines.

Kirby Lee - USA Today Sports

It’s clear that Smith is bitterly thinking, “This should be me!” as Colin Kaepernick takes center stage. Poor Alex.

Seven candy corn for each shot because I want everyone to feel as sick as Smith does. If by some chance, Smith loses it and throws and/or breaks his clipboard, or takes a swing at Kaepernick and/or Harbaugh, eat the remainder of the candy corn.

Last person to throw up wins.