If you’re like me and millions of other football fans, you are going to sit down on Sunday and consume more food and beverage than most, if not all, doctors would recommend. However, on that day, I couldn’t care less about what doctors might tell me is “healthy” and I will take my body beyond the limits of what is comfortable.
It happens to a lot of us: we sit down and before we know it a full bag of chips is gone, you’ve downed half a tray of your mom’s famous bean dip and you’re just getting started. It’s not even kick off yet and you’re well on your way to having to get your stomach pumped from too much delicious food. Chicken wings, cocktail wienies and there is a half a cow on the barbeque outside. You’re wondering how you’re going to fit the next round of food in your stomach, but you dig deep and you find that room because you just know in your heart you have to try everything.
Finally, the game starts and you decide to slow down because you’re a little full. However, the team you’re rooting for, let’s call them the Baltimore Ravens, scores first and you jump up and down and decided you burned enough calories to have another beer. The San Francisco 49ers bounce back quickly and you’re a little depressed, so your hand reaches back inside that chip bowl just out of pure muscle memory. Your idiot friend rooting for the 49ers decides to be the guy doing shots after every score and you fight him off for a couple of scores, but the Ravens are just not competing the way you would like in the first half, so you indulge just to shut him up.
It’s half time and the Ravens are down 21-10. Maybe you’re excited that you predicted the halftime score and maybe even won a little bit of money from your friends and family. One of your friends thinks he knows a lot about football, so he strikes up a conversation with you. You’re upset because he is also a 49ers fan, but says he likes the Seattle Seahawks too. You let him talk for a little bit, but stop him midway through the conversation to tell him you weren’t actually listening, walk away and proceed to eat a half a dozen deviled eggs just because you can.
It’s the start of the third quarter. The 49ers get the ball first. For some reason, your friend decided to wait until the third quarter to tell everyone he has a fully cooked prime rib waiting in the oven. Everybody starts yelling at him because at this point the game is super boring and the less enthusiastic football fans in the room are unhappy that the commercials were not living up to the hype they bring year after year.
The prime rib is supposed to be delicious, but your taste buds are worn out from the countless salt and vinegar chips you ate, so you really can’t taste it. You eat it really fast, give your compliments to the chef and continue to watch a game that really means nothing because your probably hate both teams.
It’s the start of the fourth quarter, it’s now 24-13 and the Ravens have the ball first. Joe Flacco throws a bomb and scores very quickly and they go for two and convert. You’re pumped because Jim Harbaugh is in the official’s ear telling him how much of a push off it is was and you just love to see him whine because it makes him look like a child. You’re so happy that you grab another beverage, get uncomfortably close to your 49ers’ fan friend and yell in his ear.
The Ravens get the ball back quickly, march down the field, kick a field goal and tie the game up. It’s now 24-24, you and your friends and family have consumed 70 lbs of meat, countless gallons of adult beverage, ten lbs of bean dip, half a vegetable tray, 12 bags of chips, two trays of deviled eggs, 100 chicken wings and two bottles of steak sauce (A1).
There is four minutes left in the fourth quarter and the 49ers have the ball. Colin Kaepernick gets a couple first downs, but throws a interception brought to you by Ed Reed. The Ravens march down and kick a field goal as time expires to win the game.
Final Score: 27-24 Ravens MVP: Anquan Boldin
Twenty minutes later, the excitement has died down. You look at all the cans, bottles and empty plates and can’t help but feel a sick sense of accomplishment because you just ate more in one day than most families eat in a week. You ask yourself, “Would you do it all again?” You whisper quietly to yourself, absolutely, grab another handful of chips and watch the post game show.
Follow Kase Brammer on Twitter @KBlive33