Green Bay Packers’ Valentine’s Day Special
Green Bay Packers' Valentine's Day Special
Happy St. Valentine’s Day, Green Bay Packers fans! In celebration of this holiday, I am going to present you with a Top 10 Packers list. Not just any ol’ Top 10 Packers list, mind you, but one specifically crafted for the special occasion: a Top 10 Packers Who Could Be Your Valentine’s Day Date List!
You’re welcome. What are the parameters of this list, you ask? Well, let me explain a little first. It is possible that, just maybe, I watch too many teen romantic comedies, especially those of the golden era, a.k.a. the 1990s. As a result, I like to think of my life as a teen comedy. That means the drama is magnified whenever possible and most everybody I meet has a celluloid counterpart.
The unhelpful salesclerk is Ms. Perky from 10 Things I Hate About You. That chick who just cut you off on the freeway is Regina George from Mean Girls. Your faithful best friend is Dionne from Clueless. Your lazy coworker is -- look, I could go on for a while. You get my point.
It was only a matter of time before my love for teen comedies merged with my love for NFL football. The Green Bay Packers organization is the high school; head coach Mike McCarthy is the no-nonsense dean; general manager Ted Thompson is the powerful but taciturn headmaster; outside linebackers' coach Kevin Greene is the P.E./physics teachers whose bumbling ways will provide us with comic relief.
Here’s the setting: Green Bay High. The protagonist: Every female Packer fan. The drama: The Valentine’s Day Dance is coming up - whom to go with?
We won’t run down all the options year-book style, à la Can’t Hardly Wait, but we can take a quick overview of the available options and the pros and cons associated with each. And before you say this is silly, just remind yourself that there isn’t any football for nearly seven months. What else are you going to be doing with your time?
Click through at the top of the page to see the Top 10 Most Eligible Guys at Green Bay High:
Pros: Bad boy; upperclassman; has the loner, Byronic-hero allure.
Cons: Bad boy; has a shady, checkered past; he might actually be banned from school dances ever since the Homecoming Incident of '09.
Pros: All-star quarterback; last year's Prom King; most popular kid in school; everyone in the world would be jealous of you; nice eyes.
Cons: A lot of competition - every girl in the school is after him; knows he's the coolest kid in school; would have to put up with his fawning posse of sycophants and hangers-on.
Pros: Really awesome biceps; super strong.
Cons: By the end of the night, his BAC might be higher than his IQ; you'd have to hang out with his dumb jock friends; conversation might be less than scintillating; danger of your date's hair being prettier than yours.
Pros: Cute; shy; nice smile.
Cons: Freshman; he has braces (no, really); probably would have to spend time hanging out with underclassmen.
Pros: Cute; hot; adorable; nice, sweet guy; farmboy charm.
Cons: You might have to stop off at the farm before the dance to feed the stock.
Pros: ...well ... he's very ... hmm, surely there must be something...
Cons: His dancing skills might be on par with his tackling technique; he might forget to shower.
Pros: Smooth-talking charmer; best smile in the entire school; really nice arms; cool dreads.
Cons: He might spend the night smooth talking every female you pass by.
Pros: Nice eyes; the super cool transfer student everyone wants to be friends with; beautiful eyes; nice lips; really gorgeous eyes.
Cons: People are still trying to figure out the new kid, but every girl in school has her eye on him; you might spend the whole night fighting off the skanks.
Pros: Um, really tall?
Cons: You'll probably spend the whole night listening to him tell you how awesome he is; he'll try to use the "Do you know who I am?" line to get into the dance for free because he forgot to buy tickets; get used to hearing him talk about himself in the third person.
Pros: Funny; happy-go-lucky; great smile; everyone gets along with him.
Cons: He's transferring to another school next month, so long-term potential is low.