San Francisco 49ers' Patrick Willis Gets a Home Intruder

By Lance Cartelli
Cary Edmondson-USA TODAY Sports

According to San Francisco 49ers superstar linebacker Patrick Willis‘ Facebook, he had a couple slithering intruders in his home recently. From the photo he posted and “picstitched”, Willis had a couple of snakes enter his house alive and it appears, they did not leave that way.

In the photo (that contains three photos), Patrick Willis is seen with a rifle and bloody snakes hanging from said rifle. Obviously, snakes aren’t as intelligent as human beings, that’s a given, but I think if these fellow snakes know what’s good for them they will not follow in their brothers’ and sisters’ footsteps.

I do have a few questions for those snakes though.

Are you snakes crazy?! Now, snakes are terrifying. I understand that. A creature with no legs that can eat things bigger than themselves? That just ain’t right. But this is Patrick Willis. Probably one of the most terrifying men on the face of the planet. You know what he does to running backs that try to slither their way into his home a.k.a. the middle of the field? He destroys them, like he did to these snakes. RIP Snake #1 & Snake #2.

Were these snakes trying to become famous? Arguably, the most famous snake of all-time is the anaconda from the eponymous movie, “Anaconda”. That movie gave me nightmares, not even going to lie. These snakes were obviously not big enough to garner such ferociousness to be considered in another “Anaconda” sequel, maybe their plan the whole time was to eat P-Willy to get big so a movie producer would notice them and cast them immediately. These snakes may not be as dumb as I first assumed. What’s scarier than one huge snake? TWO HUGE SNAKES. Plan A failed for Snake 1 & 2, and Plan B had to have been the sequel to the amazing film, “Snakes on Plane”. “Snakes in Patrick Willis’ House” would probably beat “Iron Man 3” in box office success. I smell a blockbuster coming. I just want residuals.

Willis loves to hunt and he’s a rich and famous superstar linebacker, so having a rifle in his possession makes sense. Posting this onto his social networks probably didn’t make PETA happy, but with sick people out there that would rob and unfortunately kill someone (i.e. Sean Taylor), Willis is smart to show off that nothing can penetrate his house’s defenses. It’s a warning to any man or snake out there, and I, for one, won’t be messing with snakes or Patrick Willis. I promise you that.

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