Baltimore Ravens Poetry Club: A Short Verse On Courtney Upshaw's Weight Issues

By Dan Abeshouse
Baltimore Raven Linebacker
Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

There’s not a whole lot going on in the world of the Baltimore Ravens these days besides the team meeting that President guy.

One thing that has gotten out, though, is that second-year LB Courtney Upshaw packed on a few pounds over the offseason. Instead of just babbling on about the obvious (ie. he needs to lose the weight and be in great shape, so on and so forth), I’ve decided to do something I’ve never done before: I’m wrote a poem about Upshaw and his new flabby additions.

Now don’t take it too seriously — it’s all in fun, and I actually like Upshaw a lot as a player.

The poem is titled “Courtney Upshaw Is So Fat”:

Courtney Upshaw is so fat;
I don’t need Ray Lewis to tell me that.
Setting the edge or getting the sacks,
Upshaw is more interested about the sacks of McDonald’s Big Macs.
“I’m loving it”, he says,
Shoving his mouth full of Pez.
He needs some help and lots of napkins;
Better yet, exercise and Atkins.
He makes the tackles and causes fumbles,
Licking the plate for all the crumbles.
Eat the horse, or the pony,
Cup size bigger then Terrance Cody.
Rushing through the guards and tackles
On his way for sacks of apples.
“Only covered in caramel!” he shouted,
Called Jay Cutler, but he just pouted.
There was a fight
And a tussle,
All you can eat
With Jamarcus Russell.
This was for fun
And that’s a fact;
Courtney Upshaw is so fat.

Thank you, thank you. I also do weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.

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