In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth — and the San Francisco 49ers. Oh, you didn’t know that? You must not know any bandwagonners who live in the Bay Area.
If you did, you’d know that the 49ers are the most iconic team in NFL history, that Joe Montana may in fact be God, and that Colin Kaepernick just might be Jesus.
And did you know that the 49ers would have won the Super Bowl last year, if only they could have played another quarter and if only there wasn’t that power outage? And of course, the 49ers would have won the Super Bowl the year before had Kyle Williams not botch the punt return in the NFC championship.
And they would have already won back-to-back Super Bowls if only those lame referees would understand that 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh isn’t trying to cheat by throwing down penalty challenges he either doesn’t have left or doesn’t know can’t be challenged.
Everybody knows that Joe Montana won four, count ‘em, four, Super Bowls, generating enough kinetic energy and football karma to propel the Pride of the Bay Area to generations of success and football supremacy.
What, they haven’t won the Super Bowl since 1995? Duh, that’s like a second in divine time.
And if you are lucky enough to be Facebook friends with any special 49ers fans, you’d know through one of those adorable chain messages that Montana and his brother have more Super Bowl victories than Eli and Peyton Manning — and Montana doesn’t even have a brother. Wow!
The 49ers are totally going to do it this year. Aaron Rodgers? Flash in the pan. Drew Brees? Has he ever been in The Body Issue? Tom Brady? What is he, 36-years-old now? He better worry about keeping Giselle.
It’s all about “Kap”. Kaepernick’s totally going to carry the 49ers to Super Bowl glory. Forget the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Like Biff just knew in Back to the Future II, the 49ers are taking it all this year. Montana and Steve Young rocked the gold rings. Obviously, it’s Kap’s turn.