16 Reasons Why You Know You’re a Dallas Cowboys Fan
Being a Cowboys Fan Ain't What it Used to Be
Let’s get one thing straight right off the bat: This is about real Dallas Cowboys fans; it does not apply to the 80 percent of the fanbase that has given America’s Team a bad rep. These are the folks who live in random places like Utah, have never been to Dallas, own a brand new Tony Romo jersey and couldn’t tell you more than about five players’ names on the entire team. No, this series is about the few folks who were fans before being a Cowboys fan was popular or cool and are still fans today even after all the misery of the last 17 years.
So now that we’re done with that, let’s get into it. Cowboys fans today are the laughing stock of the NFL because the team is the most dysfunctional franchise in professional sports. However, this is our team and we stand by it, no matter how embarrassed we are on a regular basis, and not just because of all the .500 seasons in recent years.
The modern Cowboys fan is one whose football life revolves more around tolerance than anything else. It’s like a combination of a Cleveland Browns fan who has to endure so much losing and the parent of an embarrassing child who has wasted their life and now the parent has to apologize and make excuses for them to all of their friends.
True Blue Cowboys fans are nodding their heads in agreement while sighing in relaxed frustration. The rest of you who have no idea what I’m talking about are in the problematic 80 percent described above. So for the few who will understand these reasons why you know you’re a Cowboys fan, let’s dive in.
You Think of Tom Landry as a Saint
The man roamed the sidelines of the Cotton Bowl and Texas Stadium for a combined 30 years and built the Cowboys up from an expansion franchise into a football titan. He went 2-for-5 in the Super Bowl and led Dallas to 20 straight winning seasons, which is a record that has been untouched ever since. May he rest in peace.
Watching Jimmy Johnson on TV Makes You Sick
Every time I see Jimmy on TV, my stomach gets tied up in knots because I think of what could have been had Jerry Jones not ran him out of town after back-to-back Super Bowl titles. Heck, Jimmy might have remained with the franchise in some shape after a successful 10- or 15-year run as head coach, regardless of what he says now. The Cowboys should be so much different now and they would be if only Jerry wasn’t such an idiot. We miss you, Jimmy.
You Know Someone Who Has Ignorantly Tweeted Jimmy About Becoming the Cowboys’ GM
If you know anything about the Cowboys, you know that playing GM is a hobby for Jerry and he’ll never give it up. So when Jimmy gets countless tweets about possibly becoming Dallas’ GM, you just want the tweeters to be banned from watching football altogether because of their stupidity.
You Know the Old Cowboys Don’t Get Enough Love
These guys were the cream of the crop in their days, yet no one ever mentions Bob Lilly, Randy White, Tony Dorsett or Drew Pearson when talking about all-time great players? What didn’t these guys do to be in that discussion?
You Also Think Roger Staubach is the Most Underrated QB of All Time
Why does Captain Comeback never get mentioned in the G.O.A.T. discussions? The man only played 10 years in the league, yet he’s 30th on the all-time wins list and took the Cowboys to four Super Bowls and won two of them. Heck, he was even the NFL MVP in 1971. Yet he doesn’t get the credit he deserves. Shame.
You’ve Told at Least 100 People How “Hail Mary” Became a Football Term
Speaking of Staubach, you probably love when a team attempts a Hail Mary these days because you can take the opportunity to tell everyone in the room about the Cowboys coining the term in the football world in 1975. You feel like a football guru afterward, huh?
You Speak of The Triplets as if They’re Your Kids
In the DFW, no one calls Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith and Michael Irvin by their full names — it’s just the first names. Even though they’re all common names, everyone knows who you’re talking about when they hear them. You reminisce on their success in the early 1990s as if they were your children who are now grown and gone.
Are your eyes getting misty? Don’t worry — it’s common.
You’ve Compared at Least One Prospective NFL RB to Emmitt Smith
While the most common comparison applied to running backs entering the NFL Draft is to Barry Sanders, you look for that “it” factor that doesn’t come with just being the biggest, strongest or fastest player. That’s because Emmitt wasn’t off the charts in any athletic category, yet he holds the NFL’s all-time rushing record. Case closed.
You Still Hate the 49ers
Even though Dallas owned San Francisco in the playoff battles of the early 1990s, you’re still bitter over the fact it was the other way around in the ‘80s. These two teams have met more than any others in the NFC Championship Game since its foundation in 1970 and many other times in between with the winner usually going on to win the Super Bowl. The 49ers are still tied with the Cowboys for the second-most rings among NFL teams with five, which is why you were a huge Ravens fan in last year’s Super Bowl.
You No Longer Use the 8 Super Bowl Appearances and 5 Rings in an Argument
Despite all the Cowboys’ glory of yesteryear, you realize that the team is now just a punchline in the NFL, so you don’t defend it anymore with the history. That’s understandable because nowadays folks (especially younger fans) say, “So what! That was like 20 years ago.”
And it just set in: It’s been literally almost 20 years since Dallas won a Super Bowl.
You Forgot What Winning a Super Bowl is Like
Despite having experienced it multiple times in your life, you don’t remember what it feels like to see a Cowboys player hoisting the Lombardi Trophy. It makes you emotional, doesn’t it? Seriously, I can’t say anything else about this — crying at work isn’t cool.
You Know That Tony Romo Isn’t the Problem
The Cowboys are always Super Bowl contenders, according to Jerry, who is correct (imagine that) in saying Tony Romo is capable of leading the Cowboys to the Big Game. However, he can’t do it with Jerry holding him and the rest of the team back with his moronic decision-making.
Romo has to overcome the dysfunctionality of the Cowboys just to keep them at .500. Without him, we’d have another string of 5-11 seasons on our hands. So when he has to win the game single-handedly, it’s only natural he’ll make a few mistakes along the way. But you know that on any other team with a .500 record or better, he’d be a top-five NFL quarterback, hands down.
You Know That Jerry Jones is the Problem
No other team in professional sports has the problem the Cowboys do: An owner who thinks he can run the organization from top to bottom when in reality, he knows absolutely nothing about building a winning football team. What other team has an owner who answers media questions after games? What other team has (had) an offensive coordinator who doesn’t call plays? What other team doesn’t allow its head coach to choose his coaching staff? See the pattern here? #JerryIsTheProblem
You Know What This Phrase Means: "Cowboys Fans are the New Raiders Fans"
And with that, you’ve now come to the realization that being a Cowboys fan is what Raiders fans went through in the 2000s. They were literally waiting on the post-Al Davis era to begin so the team could stop floundering as an embarrassment to the league. Even though he’s 10 years younger than Davis was when he died, Jerry has already entered that zone that Davis basically created: Cowboys fans are just waiting on his pathetic reign to end so the true rebuilding of the franchise can finally begin.
The Cowboys’ Mediocrity Doesn’t Make You Blood-Boiling Mad Anymore
Because we are now just waiting on Jerry to head to that big owner’s box in the sky, we don’t really expect anything to change in Dallas in the meantime. Thus, there’s no reason to get so angry about the absolutely stupid things that the does to set the franchise back again, and again, and again.
You’ll Always Call it Cowboys Stadium (and You Secretly Love It)
But on the bright side, Cowboys fans have the most awesome structure in the world in which to attend games. Why AT&T let Jerry talk them into paying him $20 million per year to put their name on it is beyond me because the name Cowboys Stadium was already set in stone. Seriously: Who is going to start calling it AT&T Stadium?
We may shrug it off and politely agree with our friends that Cowboys Stadium is over the top and unnecessary, but we secretly love it and are proud of it because everything really is bigger in Texas.
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