Back when Oscar Pistorius and his carbon-fiber prosthetics were competing in the Olympics against people with real feet, I was battling a wicked case of plantar fasciitis and achilles tendonitis. A tiny part of me wished I had artificial feet that felt no pain. He wasn’t on trial for killing anyone at this point in history.
Now I dream of another prosthetic. Someone, take my eyeball, please. I want to be Bill VandenBush. He lost an eye in the Vietnam War and recently had Erickson Laboratories build him a fake eyeball with a Seattle Seahawks logo where the iris should be. Too bad I have two good eyeballs and nowhere to put a prosthetic. No, I’m not putting one there.
So one of mine is up for sale. Depth perception is overrated. You can have my left or right. To the best of my knowledge, I’m right-handed but ambidextrous with my vision. All I want in return is one Erickson Seahawks eyeball and a pair of tickets to the Week 3 Denver Broncos game.
If I can’t get one of those, I’ll sell you my arms in exchange for a pair of Seahawks wings, but only if they come with feathers. I’ll also need tickets to the Week 9 Oakland Raiders game. Better throw in two vintage Raider Haters T-shirts. Fingers are not overrated. I’m using them right now.
VandenBush just replaced the Beer Man, may he rest in peace, as my favorite Seahawks’ Bill. Even in my No. 38 Mack Strong jersey and my baby in an original blue and green throwback onesie, I’ll feel naked when Seattle faces the Green Bay Packers on Sept. 4.
Plus, I’ll get to wear a cool eyepatch for Halloween.