Predicting the 2015 NFL Draft Winners And Losers (Already)

By Jerry Landry

The 2015 NFL Draft isn’t until the end of April, but I can already see the end of the line for a few NFL teams. Which teams will flounder and which will thrive? It may be too early to know for sure, but in this 32-team NFL Draft preview, it’s never too early to forecast from the crystal ball — or at least a fresh pack of NFL Tarot cards.

Predicting the 2015 NFL Draft Winners And Losers (Already)

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Dallas Cowboys — Winner — I’m starting to think Jerry Jones has finally let his red-headed stepson Jason Garrett put at least one finger on the wheel. I’ll be giving the Dallas Cowboys the benefit of enormous doubt by saying the ‘Boys will hit the NFL draft out of the park two years in a row. 2014 first-round pick Zack Martin made that Cowboys draft an instant success, and I’m forecasting another late-round sleeper to make an impact.

Oakland Raiders — Winner — Jack Del Rio is finally a head coach again. I’m not sure if his leather jacket wafted the wrong smells down the sidelines, but it’s appalling Del Rio wasn’t hired sooner. Do you realize the Jacksonville Jaguars won 12 games during a single regular season under this guy? Oakland will start barely making the playoffs again, and it starts with Del Rio and Co. muscling a win in this draft.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Loser — If you believe anything former NFL head coach Jimmy Johnson says (besides how to apply mega-hold hairspray), you should listen to his thoughts on draft value. According to Johnson, the No. 1 overall pick is worth 3000 points, and by just pick No. 5, the value slides to 1700. Missing on the first pick can nearly blow the draft, and I really think the Bucs will miss wildly with Jameis Winston.

Jacksonville Jaguars — Winner — With such uncertainty surrounding both Jameis Winston and Marcus Mariota, the Jacksonville Jaguars actually reside in the least worrisome draft slot. Selecting No. 3 overall, the Jags could take a flyer without fearing a major bust.

Tennessee Titans — Loser — The Tennessee Titans' 2015 uniforms are about as hip as plasma screens. Equally un-hip is the idea of Ken Whisenhunt being a “really good coach.” The Titans are in a good spot with the Buccaneers hopefully hopping on the Jameis Winston grenade, but I think Tennessee will screw it all up when drafting or trading down from the No. 2 spot.

Detroit Lions — Winner — Even though the Lions could really work on the team culture, the front office has stayed above water in the last few drafts. 2014 might still be too early to call, but 2009-13 were good enough to only induce occasional Matt Millen night terrors.

Washington Redskins — Loser — Daniel Snyder is the devil incarnate that not only drafted a fragile QB prima donna, but also didn’t splurge on resurfacing the atrocious FedEx turf in order to protect the investment. Don’t you see what’s going on, ‘Skins fans? Snyder scoffs at your foolhardy pleas for a contender.

New York Jets — Winner — Let’s see what head coach Todd Bowles can do and see if the new hire has any influence. As of now, I’m calling that the Jets won’t have a draft day “Bowles movement.”

San Francisco 49ers — Winner — The house is on fire, the neighbors are looting and all signs point to a terrible draft. And that is just why I’m predicting the 49ers a winner.

Atlanta Falcons — Loser — Too much is in flux with this franchise. This is the most talented team to put up such a disappointing result since 'Ocean’s Eleven' spewed the sequel: 'Ocean’s Twelve'.

Kansas City Chiefs — Winner — Regardless what you think of Andy Reid’s dietary decisions, the Kansas City Chiefs head coach averages 9.4 wins per year. Not too bad, huh? Considering Reid was driven out of Philadelphia and mocked openly on Internet memes since then, I’m pulling for him as a good coach and a tortured soul.

Chicago Bears — Winner — It’s time to see which of the John Fox - John Elway conjoined twinship survives. This newest draft with the two apart will tell us a lot. I’m going with Fox as a stand-alone and I’m picking the Bears to come out ahead.

New York Giants — Winner — This is a good organization that is sometimes at internal odds. Also, if I’ve already predicted the Jets to win in this draft, then how on earth could the G-Men lose?

San Diego Chargers — Loser — The Chargers are the most notorious team for drafting “who the heck is that?” guys. Outside of Manti Te’o and Keenan Allen, name a player San Diego has drafted between 2008-13. Points if you immediately became enraged in remembering Ryan Mathews.

St. Louis Rams — Winner — I’m still under the impression Jeff Fisher is some type of modern warlock or sorcerer, and this Rams team is gonna turn it around sooner rather than later. The sooner is now and the later is for when the Rams move to L.A.

Minnesota Vikings — Winner — Zygi Wilf is still pulling the strings and Rick Spielman is in control. The Vikings made a savvy move in drafting Teddy Bridgewater in 2014, and now it's only a question of will they or won’t they draft strong again? And in my visionary opinion, they “Wilf.”

Cleveland Browns — Loser — Burning a first-round pick on Johnny Manziel was such a Cleveland clown move that there’s no way I can predict the Browns a winner, let alone do so with a straight face.

Arizona Cardinals — Winner — While sporting a startling resemblance to Burt Cooper from “Mad Men,” Bruce Arians rightfully became the 2014 NFL coach of the year. In what would be another shrewd move, I think the Cardinals should take a chance on Todd Gurley. If anything, Carson Palmer could help the former Georgia Bulldogs running back sympathize with traumatic leg injury.

Indianapolis Colts — Winner — Just find bodies to put at wideout and the Colts will come out improved from the draft. Andrew Luck is about to storm the pinnacle, and Jim Irsay just needs to keep feeding the neckbeard.

Cincinnati Bengals — Winner — Over the last four seasons, the Bengals have averaged exactly 10 regular season wins. I don’t know how Cincinnati does this, so I’m going to assume the Bengals understand a few things about the NFL draft.

Buffalo Bills — Loser — Rex Ryan imploded the New York Jets and just about everyone wanted to blame John Idzik. When Ryan inevitably wrecks the Bills, will fans blame Doug Whaley?

Philadelphia Eagles — Winner — Chip Kelly might be crazy, but that’s probably because the Eagles coach is the NFL’s leading Mensa candidate. Kelly knows how to outfit a team, and now with total control the master from New Hampshire will put together the perfect draft.

New Orleans Saints — Winner — The Saints have to win this draft, so they will. Just like New Orleans had to have that onside kick in Super Bowl XLIV. Okay, I just used a five-year-old reference. Somebody put me down.

Baltimore Ravens — Winner — The Ravens now have the best Harbaugh in the NFL, and Baltimore’s draft track record is solid. Well, at least as solid as it can be when you haven’t selected higher than the No. 17 overall pick in the last nine years.

Miami Dolphins — Loser — The Dolphins made Ndamukong Suh roughly 15 percent of Miami’s locker room by capital. That should speak all too clearly to the foresight of this organization. In other words, the Dolphins are going to barely break even on the 2015 season and fall further into the red in acquired draft talent.

New England Patriots — Winner — The Patriots aren’t a pound-for-pound kind of winner, New England is a “brute force by innumerable compensatory picks” kind of winner.

Houston Texans — Winner — Regardless of how this draft turns out, the Texans found J.J. Watt in the 2011 NFL Draft and the dividends are still compounding.

Seattle Seahawks — Loser — Did Seattle really build a dynasty through the draft, or did the Seahawks win the lottery by selecting Russell Wilson on the cheap? Pete Carroll’s charisma will begin to run dry in 2015 in my “this should make a lot of Seattle people mad” call of the century.

Green Bay Packers — Winner — I’m not sure what happened in 2012, but outside of that outlying draft, the Packers have been on fire over the last decade’s worth of drafts. You could nearly form an All-Pro team from Packers' selections since 2005: Aaron Rodgers, A.J. Hawk, Greg Jennings, Mason Crosby, Jordy Nelson, Clay Matthews, B.J. Raji, Bryan Bulaga, Randall Cobb, Eddie Lacy and Ha Ha Clinton-Dix. Goodness gracious!

Carolina Panthers — Winner — Todd McShay thinks the Panthers could find a good offensive line fit with the 25th pick in the first round, and I think Todd McShay’s hair is spongy. But yeah, McShay is also right. The Panthers have made the playoffs (regardless of last year’s futility) in two straight seasons and a solid draft in 2015 will make it three.

Denver Broncos - Winner — Combine the cerebral capacity of Peyton Manning and John Elway and how could the Broncos not figure out how to meet some needs? Even though the Broncos have an aging roster and are saddled with the 28th pick in the first round, Denver will somehow make it all work. The Broncos are a top-five organization in terms of front office efficiency, and they will come out the 2015 NFL Draft a winner.

Pittsburgh Steelers - Winner — The Steelers have hit in the NFL draft as if Pittsburgh were accruing comps for a trip to Vegas. Le’Veon Bell in 2013, Emmanuel Sanders and Antonio Brown in 2010, Santonio Holmes in 2006 and of course Big Ben Roethlisberger in 2004. Look for the Steelers to stay hot and to reveal Pittsburgh’s next great find in 2015.

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