Chris ‘Bermanizing’ The 2015 NFL Draft Class

Everyone’s favorite windbag will once again be manning the counter of ESPN’s NFL Primetime for 2015 and will once again be “whooping,” “booping,” and making corny puns that will test your tolerance for ESPN programming. In anticipation for the worst of Chris Berman, here are the best possible scenarios for the future NFL stars as they’ll inevitably become so unfavorably “Bermanized.” I apologize for the cornucopia of dad jokes you’re about to devour.

Chris ‘Bermanizing’ The 2015 NFL Draft Class

Everyone’s favorite windbag will once again be manning the counter of ESPN’s NFL Primetime for 2015 and will once again be “whooping,” “booping,” and making corny puns that will test your tolerance for ESPN programming. In anticipation for the worst of Chris Berman, here are the best possible scenarios for the future NFL stars as they’ll inevitably become so unfavorably “Bermanized.” I apologize for the cornucopia of dad jokes you’re about to devour.

“Todd Gurley To Me”

Boomer would pull this Bermanism from the Jason Derulo song ‘Talk Dirty To Me,’ a tune which Berman will still think is popular. “The 30… the 20… the 10… ooh touchdown! Been around the world, don’t speak the language… Todd Gurley to me!”

“Todd Gurley To Me”

Boomer would pull this Bermanism from the Jason Derulo song ‘Talk Dirty To Me,’ a tune which Berman will still think is popular. “The 30… the 20… the 10… ooh touchdown! Been around the world, don’t speak the language… Todd Gurley to me!”

Marcus “Peter, Paul and Mariota”

Most of Berman’s youthful knowledge dates back to when a gallon of gas cost a nickel and your favorite Statler Brothers’ LP was only a dime.

Marcus “Peter, Paul and Mariota”

Most of Berman’s youthful knowledge dates back to when a gallon of gas cost a nickel and your favorite Statler Brothers’ LP was only a dime.

Trae “Wayne’s World, Party Time, Excellent!”

Boomer will rupture a forehead vein on this one, but he won’t blow the delivery.

Trae “Wayne’s World, Party Time, Excellent!”

Boomer will rupture a forehead vein on this one, but he won’t blow the delivery.

Danny “Gimme” Shelton

Although ‘Gimme Shelter’ is arguably the best Rolling Stones song of all time, Berman will alienate nearly his entire audience with this faded-yellow reference.

Danny “Gimme” Shelton

Although ‘Gimme Shelter’ is arguably the best Rolling Stones song of all time, Berman will alienate nearly his entire audience with this faded-yellow reference.

Amari “Hangin’ With Mr.” Cooper

Somebody will have to show Berman the door to the 21st century, “Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper” hasn’t been in the TV channel lineup since 1997.

Amari “Hangin’ With Mr.” Cooper

Somebody will have to show Berman the door to the 21st century, “Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper” hasn’t been in the TV channel lineup since 1997.

Alvin “You, Me And” Dupree

Yet another dated pop-culture reference likely to be beaten into the ground by Berman, a man who truly has no mercy for dead horses.

Alvin “You, Me And” Dupree

Yet another dated pop-culture reference likely to be beaten into the ground by Berman, a man who truly has no mercy for dead horses.

Jameis Winston “Churchill”

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life. Or… you’ve been a thunderous imbecile off the field. Yeah, it’s one of those things for sure.

Jameis Winston “Churchill”

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life. Or… you’ve been a thunderous imbecile off the field. Yeah, it’s one of those things for sure.

Dante “Chris” Fowler Jr.

Oh yeah, Boomer watches college football and it oozes into his loud, unfiltered thoughts.

Dante “Chris” Fowler Jr.

Oh yeah, Boomer watches college football and it oozes into his loud, unfiltered thoughts.

Brandon “Scherffs Up!”

This one will take a ton of english on the english, you know, some topspin on the diction. You get it? Yeah, you get it.

Brandon “Scherffs Up!”

This one will take a ton of english on the english, you know, some topspin on the diction. You get it? Yeah, you get it.

Andrus Peat “Moss”

Landscapers and boy scouts might sneak a chortle at this one.

Andrus Peat “Moss”

Landscapers and boy scouts might sneak a chortle at this one.

Eddie “Goldman And Sachs”

The subprime mortgage crisis still sits sore with many American families, leave it up to the Bermanator to possibly turn the knife.

Eddie “Goldman And Sachs”

The subprime mortgage crisis still sits sore with many American families, leave it up to the Bermanator to possibly turn the knife.

Cameron “Erving Magic Johnson”

C’mon Boomer, you’re not even trying now.

Cameron “Erving Magic Johnson”

C’mon Boomer, you’re not even trying now.

Jordan “Wilson” Phillips

The last person to listen to Wilson Phillips (besides me) is likely Carnie Wilson during a poorly executed listening party at the Phillips’ private tune cabin. This probably isn’t true, but just hold on… can you hold on for one more day?

Jordan “Wilson” Phillips

The last person to listen to Wilson Phillips (besides me) is likely Carnie Wilson during a poorly executed listening party at the Phillips’ private tune cabin. This probably isn’t true, but just hold on… can you hold on for one more day?