No Place for Obama in West Ham Celebrity X1

By Gary Troia
Katy Perry in West Ham Basque, courtesy of


Owing to the continual rise of football’s popularity, we now have to put up with so-called celebrities nailing their new found allegiances to the proverbial mast. As soon as Barack Obama won the election, twitter was full of tweets linking him with West Ham as a fan.

Let’s clear this up now: Obama is not a West Ham fan and neither is Matt Damon, while I’m at it. Have they had to suffer “the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” throughout the years following West Ham? No, of course they haven’t.

Now let’s take a look at some true celebrity West Ham fans. Ask any West ham fan to give you the name of a celebrity that is a true fan, and it is almost a given that he or she will say either Ray Winstone or Russell Brand.

Ray is the type of celebrity fan you want, unpretentious, a fine actor (see Sexy Beast) and a “proper geezer,” to use East End parlance.

Russell Brand, West ham’s very own cheekie-chappie comedian is another celebrity fan that Hammers’ fans are happy to have on board. Anyone that could persuade Katie Perry to pose in a West Ham basque for prosperity deserves a life-long season ticket.

He may not be my favorite comedian, Bill Hicks is that, but I like the way his thought is helping to usher in a new stage of evolution for humanity-which reminds me of a Bill Hicks quote.

“In many parts of the world they are yelling revolution, revolution. In other parts they are yelling evolution, evolution, we want our thumbs.”Anyway, that’s enough about Tottenham Hotspur and their celebrity fans.

I’ve mentioned two well known West Ham Celebrity fans, but what about this one from left field: Alfred Hitchcock. Yes, you did read that correctly. Alfred Hitchcock was an avid West Ham fan. When he was working in Los Angeles, long before the technology that we all take for granted was available, he used to have the English newspapers sent over so he could follow his beloved Hammers.

As I delved deeper into famous followers of the Hammers, it struck me what an interesting lot they were. So I decided to put a team together that could win the Celebrity Premier League. And to be honest, after assembling the team and manager, I realized that if the team could be kept together, it would be likely to win the Celebrity European Cup, too.

So here is my team and manager to do just that:

Manager, Alfred Hitchcock-for turning dreams into reality

1, John Cleese-because of his height

2, Billy Bragg-good honest pro

3, Lennox Lewis-for knocking out right wingers

4, Keira Knightley-glamor signing

5, Ray Winstone-no-nonsense center half

6, Sebastian Faulkes-someone who can actually write the script

7, David Grohl (Foo Fighters)-for “team spirit”

8, Katy Perry-for wearing that basque

9, Dame Anna Neagle-for being a great Dame

10, Keith Flint (Prodigy)-for slapping the opposition bitches up

11, Terrance Stamp-for play-acting in the penalty area

Substitute, Russell Brand-he’ll get his chance

So there it is: The celebrity version of the 1970s Brazil team. And I defy anyone to name me a better all-round celebrity team than this one.


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