Tyrannosaurus Rant: Bold Predictions for NFL Week 5

Welcome, my fellow Ranters, to T-Rant! I’m your host, Hank, and here are my jurassic-sized predictions for Week 5 of the NFL season.

First up, in the game of the week – that no one will be watching – the Rams will be taking on the Jacksonville Jaguars. In the days leading up to the contest, Jacksonville will enlist former Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow to give incumbent quarterback Blaine Gabbert throwing lessons, and it seems like they’re working. “Looking good, Blaine!”

After seeing his jersey being set on fire by Houston Texans fans following his team’s late-game loss to the Seattle Seahawks this past Sunday, impassioned Houston quarterback Matt Schaub will respond to pundits this week against the 49ers by catching fire on the field…and burning to death.

After a big Week 4 loss to the Kansas City Chiefs that had many players questioning New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin’s play calling, veteran Justin Tuck came to the defense of his maligned coach this week by saying, “If anyone turns on our coach, I would be the first one to punch him in the mouth.” Afterwards, when asked how he would describe a coach with an 0-4 record, Tuck responded by… punching himself in the mouth.

Ben Roethlisberger and the Pittsburgh Steelers dropped their fourth straight game to start the season on Sunday. After the game, Roethlisberger was quoted as saying, “Right now, you could say we’re the worst team in the league.” When asked how he was going to right the ship during the team’s Week 5 bye, Big Ben responded by saying, “The only way to turn this season around is for me to get back to the what got me here in the first place.” …. And this just in…. Roethlisberger has just been arrested for crashing his motorcycle while simultaneously sexually assaulting a female passenger.

Finally, the Atlanta Falcons will host the New York Jets this week, as veteran running back Stephen Jackson will make an early return from injury to rally the Falcons to their second victory of the season. When asked after the game how he felt upon hearing of Jackson’s return to the starting lineup, quarterback Matt Ryan responded by saying, “When I heard the news that Stephen [Jackson] would be back, I was so excited, I felt like I just sniffed some ‘Snelling’ salts, I mean hell, I nearly Jacquizzed in my pants.”